Sunday, December 28, 2008

My 1st Christmas After the Rape

I started this post with the line " I'm going to try and not be negative" then I realized this is my blog, Christmas was hard, and I'm going to share it.

If anyone cares not to read it that is their choice. However, I write this for one main reason. Survivors of rape, sexual assault, or any violent crime, may someday be searching for answers. If my one post about how the holidays after rape, helps someone, that's enough for me.

I didn't really touch on my first thanksgiving but it was not the best either. I went into Christmas mentally prepared I thought, knowing what my family is like in regards to what happened. Not prepared enough, I'm afraid.

In my families eyes I believe it is easier for them to pretend it did not happen. It is not talked about, I am not asked how I am doing in regards to it, etc.

Now, I am not saying they need to coddle me. In fact, I believe that would be the worst thing for me or any victim. Recognizing it did happen, and recognizing there are repercussions is different.

My Christmas:

I traveled to my hometown on Monday the 22, I was tired the whole ride down and really wanted to just come back to where I was staying.

My sister got engaged on the 21st and that was the main talk. As it should be, but it is so hard to be happy for someone who has ignored your needs in a horrendous time. I did my best and I faked it tilled I made it. Don't know if I did make it, but oh well.

My other sisters birthday was on the 21st as well, so on the 23rd the family had planned to go out to eat. Yeah out to eat, 2 days before Christmas, you could imagine my thrill of dealing with all the people.

Due to my therapists advice, she stated that I did not have to do anything I did not want to at this time. My job now was to take care of me. What did I do, I met the family at the house, decided to drive myself, which I received a death look for, and went to the restaurant. It was an hour wait with tons of people, uncomfortable, yes to say the least!

On Christmas eve, I went to my parents house and did the usual, ate, open one present, and drank. Comments were made in joking matter. My engaged sister had a scratch on her face, my other sister asked how she got it. The reply " Boyfriend got mad" and laughter. Not funny, I'm right here.

A joke was made about pedifore (cakes). Someone called them pedophiles and referred to another treat as molestees. I laughed thought it was funny and then realized how unfunny it really was.

There was more, the loudness, the slams, all made in jest but just not funny.

The Results:

-I was extremely fatigued the entire visit
-I was hurt numerous times throughout the entire visit ( I don't believe intentionally)
-My disassociation happened often. I would go away, aware of it, hearing everyone, but it was so comfortable not to be in the present with them, that I stayed until addressed by a attendee at the house
-I wanted to leave, could care less about the presents and being around family
-I wanted to be alone
-I felt no joy, no matter how hard I tryed to look at the positive

Bottom line:

Holidays are not the same thus far. They are just another day, nothing to look forward to and I would rather not participate.

What I learned:

-I have to take care of me now no matter whom I offend.
-I cannot be around people , family included, that expect me to be a certain way. I just don't care about their needs over mine, nor should I.
-Holidays are not about the presents, festivities, it is who you are with.
-I believe that everyday should be a holiday, at least treated as one. Don't look at the holiday as something to look forward to but everyday!

I hope you have a Happy Holiday Season!



Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Holidays after Rape

I never really went into how my thanksgiving went, but now that is gone so I will just focus on now.

Today is Christmas Eve. I traveled to my hometown Monday for this holiday. All month I was debating on going or not going. I love my family very much, but with the lack of communication with them, the idea of spending time with them brought many thoughts and feelings.

Feelings of anxiety, avoidance, etc. I am here now and I have been exhausted ever since my arrival. I have had a roller coaster of anger, sadness, stress, and extreme fatigue. Yesterday, I realized that I would rather be alone.

The holidays always add some element of stress each year to most, whether its family , driving, or whatever. I must say that this feeling is much, much different. I feel silent, nothing to say, soooo very tired. I think to myself it must be depression but I don't know. It could be the cold weather.

As I said I love my family, but being around them brings to many negative feelings to me. Although they do not acknowledge (or ever have) my incident or symptoms, I don't think it is all that.

Back when the rape and legal proceedings occurred, they weren't there to much and did not call much. As I have posted in the past at times words were exchanged from both ends that were not very nice.

Because of this I developed a mindset that I did not have a family anymore and surprisingly enough it worked. It brought me tremendous relief. Now that I am here I do not feel as if they are family, perhaps friends maybe. And at this point not the positive friends I want around.

That's all I really have to say now. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!



Victoria Placeo

Monday, December 22, 2008

Don't Cry Victoria-Don't Feel Bad

Once again music explains better then I could ever right. Although I doctored the lyrics below, it is pertinent always. Another 80's tune thank you White Lion!!




When The Children (victims)Cry :

little child (victim)
dry your crying eyes
(depression)
how can I explain
the fear you feel inside
(horror)

cause you were born
into this evil world
where mas is killing man
and no one knows just why
(hurting, killing, raping, no difference all bad)
what we (did he) have become
just look what we (he has) have done
all that we (he) destroyed
you must build again

when the children (victims) cry
let them know we tried
cause when the children (victims) sing
then the new world begins
(healing is singing, a new life will begin)

little child (victim)
you must show the way
to a better day
for all the young (victims)
cause you were born
for all the world to see
that we all can live
with love and peace
(I want to make a difference for all whom suffer from violent crime)
no more presidents (criminals)
and all the wars (crime) will end
one united world
under god
(Peace, recovery, new life)

when the children (victims) cry
let them know we tried
cause when the children (victims)sing
then the new world begins
what have we (has he) become
just look what we(he has) have done
all that we (he)destroyed
you must build again
no more presidents (criminals)
and all the wars (crime)will end
one united world under god
(GOD)

when the children (victims) cry
let them know we tried
when the children (victims)fight
let them know it (is) ain't right
when the children(victims) pray
let them know the way
cause when the children(victims) sing
then the new world begins
Victoria Placeo







Friday, December 19, 2008

Caylee Anthonys Latest News

I have been watching Nancy Graces coverage of the Casey Anthony/ Caylee Anthony case. It is sad to but not surprising to find out that the skeletal remains of Caylee are found and identified. The news was released by Associated Press:

DNA tests confirm remains are Caylee Anthony

1 hour ago

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — Orlando authorities say DNA tests confirm the skeletal remains recently found in the woods belong to missing toddler Caylee Anthony.
A county medical examiner said at a news conference Friday that the remains match Caylee's DNA profile, and that the death is considered a homicide.
A utility worker stumbled upon the remains last week, less than a half-mile from where the girl lived. Caylee had been missing since June.
Caylee's mother, 22-year-old Casey Anthony, was indicted in October on first-degree murder and other charges, even without a body. She has insisted that she left the girl with a baby sitter in June, but she didn't report her missing until July.
A search team said they did not check the wooded area sooner because it was
submerged in water.
What does this have to do with me and rape, really nothing. But, I have been watching the case and I've had many thoughts:
1. My comparison between who did this to Caylee and the organism. I will not say whom I think is responsible for Caylee Anthonys death, but I will say they are extremely sick much like the organism who raped me.
2. The grandparents George Anthony and Cindy Anthony. My heart goes out to them and at time I was/am extremely jealous that a Casey has such support from her parents. I was not to blame for the organisms actions but my parents act like it was/is nothing.
3. The news reports of what Casey Anthony is getting in jail. Is the organism getting good stuff in jail , while I go to food pantry's?
There are many more thoughts I have but the bottom line of this post is Caylee.
Although I did not know her, she deserves to be remember and my thoughts and prayers go out to the family.
Pray for the Anthony's regardless of your opinions, everybody hurts
Victoria Placeo

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Fighting For Your Civil Rights Is Hard

The organism went to prison due to the rape, any many say justice is done. I can see that point of view. However, what about after the rape?

What about the mental trauma, what about the loss of home and community, what about the loss of the job, what about the loss of unemployment........... I am going to stop at "what abouts" the unemployment and dwell on that for a second.

People leave there jobs and do not come back and get unemployment, people get fired for bad behavior and get unemployment. Soooooooo........ I get raped, work for a freakin "CARE" Facility, get fired, appeal unemployment twice and don't get it. SOMETHING HORRIBLY WRONG WITH THIS.

Moving on....... so I got the notice on the 15th that once again I was denied unemployment. Do I appeal again or let it go?

Next, another commission picks up my case and I have fill out a lot of information, so they can investigate.

WAIT, it is more then that, the doctors I have seen , seem to be a having a WEEEE BIT O TROUBLE getting me my records. One doctor in particular, did they not do the recording at the time?

I am not talking about I call and don't get it right away. The last time I requested it for victims assistance it took 8 weeks! That's right 8 WEEKS..........THAT'S NUTS!

So I have to right a novel with the hopes that this commission will see that after someone breaks into someones apartment and rapes them they might have some problems and should not get fired for it.

If this commission does not find that this was unjust, I will go over the edge. I mean they practically ask for freaking DNA sample.

QUESTION: How far should I go to achieve personal justice? ( I really would like an answer)

And in regards to the organism going to prison and justice is served. Really, I don't know. The organism doesn't have to worry about where it is going to live, what it is going to eat, or how it is going to live.

Got answers, suggestions, smart remarks, anything? Let me know.



Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

EMDR with Rape Victims

I had my second session today with EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

I will back up to my first session and then continue in the next post. First session consisted of developing a safe place.

As a hypnotherapist, this was not hard to do. I did not necessarily call it a safe place but just an image to relax, my perfect place.

My safe place was a tropical area with a waterfall. It is the perfect temperature, no insects, and complete solitude.

In the first EMDR session, my therapist told me to think of my safe place. While I was doing this she moved her fingers back and forth while my eyes followed.

She would stop and ask me if I noticed or felt anything new, which I did. I felt calmer throughout the safe place process and began to notice different things. The colors became more vibrant. The flowers got brighter, waterfall became more blue, it was a very relaxing experience.

My therapist advised me to practice this safe place whenever I felt uncomfortable. She also showed me how to tap my legs in sets to get a similar effect of eye movement.

I did practice and at time when I had control to do it, it did calm me.

I was intrigued by EMDR and the safe place session. However, I had doubts about how this process could help me with trauma.

If you want to find out more about Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing you can go to: http://www.emdr.com/



Victoria Placeo

Monday, December 15, 2008

I DON'T GET IT

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND AN ORGANISM KICKED IN MY DOOR AND VIOLENTLY RAPED ME!

FRIENDS AND FAMILY I WAS RAPED, WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED YOU! I DIDN'T STUB MY TOE, I WAS RAPED!

I NEED YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I LOVE YOU ALL, WHERE ARE YOU?




Victoria Placeo

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Input From Secondary Victim- The Rock

The Rock, the main secondary victim of my rape, emailed me this. I call him The Rock because he was and is my only main support after the rape.

The Rock and I attended his Christmas party together on Friday night. I had a flashback during the end of the night, while at the party. I don't recall much about the flashback except I kept seeing big hands and felt tremedous fear.

The Rock, also a member of RASA Survivors had this input about the night and what followed it:

We were at a party that my boss was giving for Christmas. I know that Victoria sometimes has a difficult time with crowds of people that she doesn’t know, but some of my friends from work that she knows were going to be there too, so we figured it would be ok to go.

Toward the end of the night she had a flash back. It didn’t last long, maybe a minute. She had a very terrified freaked out look that two of our friends noticed. They didn’t know what was going on with her, and since it was a party didn’t think that it was anything serious. She apologized for spacing out and they apologized for acting the way they did. Later that night she apologized to me for embarrassing me in front of my friends. I assured her that it was no embarrassment and wanted her to know that she and her well-being were the most important things to me.

Fast forward to today. My friend asked me what was wrong with Victoria last night. He knew of the rape, but not really about the aftermath. I explained to him about the violence, the bruising and the pain. I told him that the Organism was caught and convicted and is serving time. I told him about the night mares and flash backs that plague Victoria on a daily basis.

I asked him what Victoria has asked me… “What do you think that It (the organism) was thinking that night?” He didn’t know. He, much like most men and like me, find the act of rape the most reprehensible thing that one can perpetrate on another person and beyond their comprehension. “They should hang him by his b***s. That piece of sh** doesn’t deserve to be in public.” I couldn’t agree more.

We as men, real men, not like the organism, need to be more aware of rape. The response of “That’s too bad” when rape happens doesn’t cut it. These are real people that have everything sacred taken from them. Rebuilding feelings of safety and security once they are shattered are two of the toughest things anyone can do. And we as men need to educate ourselves on the after effects of rape, because it is not always some nameless, faceless person that we can respond “That’s too bad” When it’s our mother, sister, wife, girlfriend or other loved one. We need to be prepared.

-The Rock


I had no idea that The Rock felt this way about men being aware of rape. I couldn't agree with The Rock more.

Before the rape, I a female, thought it was an awful thing. I never however put my whole mind into what the rape victims may be experiencing or what they may endure afterwards.

Although it may seem "too bad" that it happens to many, The Rock is correct in saying that men and I will add women, need to think "what ifs".

What if the rape victim was your wife, girlfriend, sister, etc. Think about it, then you may have more compassion. Compassion not only for rape victims, but for any violent crime survivors.




Victoria Placeo

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Dreams and Nightmaresafter the Rape

I have had many nightmares recalling the rape. At times it is a total reenactment other times it is just a violent dream with bits and pieces of the organism and the acts that took place.

The interesting part and disturbing are the dreams of the organism. I will use my last nights dream as an example.

The organism were talking with one another calmly, almost as if we were good friends. The organism was telling me why it did what it did. It stated that since we had been dating ( I dated the organism and broke up with it about a week before it broke in.) and we had had sex before that it was difficult for it to be sure if I was being serious about saying no. This was a lengthy part of the dream but over and over it went back to since we were dating before it could not differentiate if I was serious.

I was kind to the organism, empathizing from where it was coming from. I started to believe in my dream that it was a mistake and the organism didn't mean to do what it did.

Then my dream flashed to certain family and friends who were criticizing me for even speaking to the organism. I felt very hurt by this and was thinking in my dream that I was just trying to be a good person.

The dream then flashed back to the organism and I speaking about its misconception of me saying no. Suddenly I changed. I got loud and said to the organism" a person does not kick in someones door, bite them to the point of scarring and hold there head in place when they are screaming for help."

After I stated this the organism looked remorseful, guilty, and could not justify those actions. and then I woke up.

People look at dreams many ways. My interpretation is this:

In general I don't like to dislike anyone, I want to see the best in people. I feel an element of guilt because the organism is in prison. Rationally I know it belongs there, but emotionally I feel as if it is my fault it is there.

I did date the organism and I did love it. I was not in love with it, I am only in love with one person, but none the less I loved and cared for the organism. I cared enough that a month before the rape I actually three-way called the organism to the doctor because it was sick and it was not going to call on its own.

The change in mood and assertiveness, is me trying to take back the control, putting it on the organisms shoulders, and justifying the fact that what the organism did was wrong.

As far as friends and family go. I believe that comes from my support group, which are few. They mean no harm, but they dislike my family and friends who have not been around for me. They really don't even know them. Sadly to say I believe they have that right. Shocked by the lack of support through all of this, in their minds I believe they wonder why I would even go on loving and being there for those who are not there for me.

The nightmares and dreams haunt me the entire next day and sometimes for weeks. I guess the only positive spin I can put on it is that maybe my dreams are just trying to work things out in my brain.


Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I Feel Worthless

I feel horrible about myself. I feel like giving up on my dreams, hopes, and aspirations. I feel I am not capable of doing anything correctly. I feel like a burden to all I met.

To sum it up.........I don't know why I am here and why the organism didn't finish the job.



Victoria Placeo

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Cruel Summer After Being Raped

Since the year is almost over I could not let the song that describes my summer go unheard. Yes, a cheesy 80's song but so fitting to the summer I endured. Unfortunately, they do not have Cruel Winter............





Cruel Summer
Bananarama
Words & Music: Sarah Dallin - S. Jolley - T. Swain - Siobhan Fahey - W. Wood

Hot summer streets
And the pavements are burning
I sit around
Trying to smile but
(Trying to smile at the good)
The air is so heavy and dry
(The weight of the rape and criminal process was heavy)

Strange voices are saying
(Lawyers, victims advocate, therapists)
(What did they say)
(Can't focus and even if I could have the lingo is confusing and unknown to me)
Things I can't understand
(I didn't get it, all the terms)
It's too close for comfort
(No comfort)
This heat has got
Right out of hand
(The rape, the charges, my life, was out of my hands)
It's a cruel, (cruel,) cruel summer
(Worse summer of my life)
Leaving me here on my own
(Friends and family almost gone, I had limited support)
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel,) cruel summer
Now you're gone
(Everybody leaves when your not fun anymore)

The city is crowded
(Summer resort town)
My friends are away
(my friend are not here)
And I'm on my own
(alone)
It's too hot to handle
So I got to get up and go
(I go places do things, I have to do things, I can't handle it all)

It's a cruel, (cruel), cruel summer
Leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel,) cruel summer
Now you're gone
(Same as above)

Your not the only one
(For craps sakes stop thinking about yourself I NEED YOU!)

It's a cruel, (cruel), cruel summer
(Leaving me) leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel,) cruel summer
Now you're gone
(Same as above)

It's a cruel, cruel summer
Leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, cruel summer
Now you're gone
(Same as above)

Your not the only one
(I NEEDED AND NEED YOU!)

It's a cruel, (cruel), cruel summer
(Leaving me) leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel,) cruel summer
Now you're gone
(Same as above)
Your not the only one
(Selfish Pukes)

It's a cruel, (cruel), cruel summer
(Leaving me) leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel,) cruel summer
Now...
So there you go my summer and it's not over!
Victoria Placeo



Sunday, December 7, 2008

Rape and Hormonal Problems

My posting have gone down due to my recent physical problems. Hormones and lack of menstrual cycle seem to be the issue.

This is the summary of what my hormones and menstrual cycle have been like since the rape.

I was put on plan B the morning of the rape, I bleed for six weeks following. I had a period at the end of July and August, and have not had one since.

Since the 20 on November, I have been nauseous, had breast tenderness, feels like cramping but no period,I am extremely tired, and am so moody I am pissing myself off. NO, I'M NOT PREGNANT!

I have never had bad PMS symptoms, and these three weeks have been awful. I cannot focus, I tired, and I fall into a depression easily. I can't seem to find answers and the doctor I have seen just says its because of the plan B. It's three weeks now and its awful.

It feels like everything I have done to overcome my trauma thus far is gone and it is now magnetized by a million.

I wrote this post for two reasons. First, if there is a survivor out there who has the same problem they know they are not alone. Second, I want answers, so if there are any people who find sites on the issue, have heard of such a phenomenon, or have any input I would greatly appreciate it.

Victoria Placeo

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I can't plan anything

I posted days ago about future posts I was going to make. I realize that I can not make that kind of planning.

It does not just go for blog posts it goes for everything. As far as blogging goes, early in the day I know what I want to write about. I work on other things and then my emotions change and I find something else to write about. I don't do that either.

Finally, it is the end of the night and I am down and unmotivated and realize I have not written all the things I wanted to....then I feel bad about myself, and a slacker.

I feel I should be stronger and that I will get no where if I let memories, depression, and lack of motivation control me.

I can't stop it. I am doing the right things, it just seems to continue.

I also feel that I can not plan other events. When it comes time, I have anxiety and I never no what my mood will be.

I feel like I should have more control. I just don't seem to right now.

I put intense pressure on myself and by doing that my emotions get worse. The minute things look up I flop to a down patch.

If anyone of you are experiencing this, it is probably normal. I see my counselor tomorrow. She will probably assure me that it is normal. Well, I DON'T LIKE NORMAL!!!!



Victoria Placeo

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Lull Of Depression After Rape

Some days, like today, I try to get motivated. I get up, I do the usually getting ready routine, I treat it like a business day.

But.......there is a weight over me. A feeling of nothingness. I am not tired, not awake, not hungry, not happy, not sad, don't want to sit, don't want to stand....etc..etc...etc...

The only thing I can think to do is keep switching tasks but none of them are done highly effectively.

The weight of nothingness, is worse then feeling I believe.



Victoria Placeo

Monday, December 1, 2008

A Late Thanksgiving

This was the original post I was going to publish on Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving was awful and I will go into it in another post. Today, I am having a fairly good day so, I am going with the original post.

People have asked me how I can hold it together after a rape and numerous losses. Well since this is about Thanksgiving I will explain what I do.

When I have memories, flashbacks, I see a vehicle that looks the organisms, I instantly lose it. I stop and I think. I pick one tiny good thing out of what the organism did to me.

Now.......I know what your thinking, Victoria has lost it. When I say pick one good thing out of what the organism did, I mean one good thing that came from it's actions.

When I have explained this to people, they ask, what good has come from being raped, going through the legal system, and losing everything you had.

I just give them examples to help explain, here are some:

If the rape did not occur, I would never had really known who would be there for me and who would not.

If the rape did not occur, I would never fully understand the loss and fear my past patients felt or others in a similar situation.

If the rape did not occur, I would have not realized that I am not the one with the major issues in my family.

If the rape did not occur, I never would have valued my home, my job, my community, my income, my friends to the fullest extent that one should.

Those are just a few examples of how I try to pull myself out of the depression and loss. It is what keeps me going.

So although late, I encourage you right now, to pick one good thing from an area of your life that you think is not going well. It really lightens the load.

Over the next few days I am going to give thanks for the people who have been there for me and in a world of abandonment made time to respond to me. Hopefully, some of them and what they do will help you!

I hope you had a great Thanksgiving



Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Noah St. Johns, Afformations and Healing

One of the best things that happened to me out of my unfortunate circumstances was I believe not by chance.

While traveling to my hometown for safety after the perpetrator got out of jail, I stopped at a book store. I needed something to listen to, something to take my mind off everything else, something positive. I looked at all the options of books on CD and one caught my eye, Afformations, by Noah St. John.

Needless to say I bought the book and listened to all of it. Noah explains how he stumbled upon the idea of Afformations while in the shower. I liked listening to him right from the start, his voice seemed very real and down to earth.

Afformations as opposed to affirmations are different. Noah explains that when you affirm you are telling yourself something that you don't believe to be entirely true. Hearing this put me in awe, while I was counseling I took a different approach with my patients with affirmations.
Noah explains that Afformations are a way to get your mind to search for the answer.

Of course in the book Noah does not touch on crime victims, hopefully he will someday. However his teachings make it easy to relate to whatever situation you’re in. I took pieces of my experiences, traumatic memories, fear, etc. and used Afformations. By doing so I brought myself some relief and with some issues complete relief.

I would recommend Afformations to anyone, but I highly encourage it for survivors of any rape or sex crime. People struggle for year’s even lifetimes with the memories. I know that Afformations can bring at least some relief to survivors.

How do you Afform or make and Afformation? Well just go to the link below by doing so you get the first three chapter of his book FREE!! I couldn't believe it!! You can get the first chapter of the book HERE

Contact me with questions

Victoria Placeo

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Six Month Anniversary for Rape Victim

It is the six month anniversary today and my feeling is numb........yes, numb is the best way to describe it.

I thought all day about how to portray the feelings of an anniversary date, but it then occurred to me. I am tired of hiding and being vague.

The normal reaction I get from people who do know, is "that's to bad." To Bad? I don't think that anyone, even readers understand, the violence, the aftermath,or the other events that followed my rape. I don't think they even realize that the organism got convicted with a very harsh felony.

I wrote this for three reasons first, to get it out. Second, if anyone reads this they can relate and know they are not alone or that there situation is not that bad. Third, I want to be heard, I want the world to know the organisms name and what it did.

Sooooo........ I decided to let it all out from beginning to end.

Here we go:

In the early morning of May 18th 2008, 2 days before my birthday, the organism kicked in my apartment door while I was in bed. The struggle started from there, words were exchanged while the rape was happening. During the rape, the organism, bit my nipple, at first I thought it was gone, blood squirted, and at that moment I became aware that I may not live through this. That bite left me permanently scarred.

I rape continued, anally then vaginally. I screamed for help over and over. The location of my apartment was between 3 establishments, I know someone heard me, but no one came. The last words from the organism before he finished was "I am going to cum inside you and get you pregnant." Apparently he had a motive.

When it finished the organism just rolled off me and I was able to get up. I yelled at it to leave. The organism seemed very calm and stated it would leave but had to put on its shoes. Odd now looking back. I yelled to forget the shoes and screamed to get out.

After I heard it walk onto the balcony, I went to the door to lock it and there was no door frame, the organism kicked straight through the deadbolt. I grabbed my cell, locked myself in the bathroom, and called 911.

I don't remember much about the 911 call or the bathroom. What I do remember was a bunch of men entering my apartment and of course I did not want to go with them. Then a woman entered and from there I next remember the hospital.

The hospital was vague as well. I remember bits and pieces, parts of the rape kit, words that were said. I remember the doctor making a very bad bedside manner comment. I don't think he did it on purpose but at the time it shook me. He stated "boy are these rape kits tedious." Yeah pretty bad. I remember the officer coming in saying they pressed charges, I was confused, I thought if anyone I would have to press the charges, but no. What I remember the most was that the woman stayed with me through the entire hospital exam. That was not part of her job, but she did and I will never forget that.

The rape itself was bad enough, but the following incidents that occurred, are alot to imagine. Even if I step out of myself, I can't believe it.

After the hospital, I was dropped back off at my apartment, with no door, alone. Yea, even I know that's asking for trouble.

The day of the 18th, someone fixed my door, I was bound and determined to stay in that apartment and not to let the organism scare me anymore. I also had to have someone drive me 20 miles to a pharmacy to get medication that they did not have at the hospital. Alot to ask of someone who just got raped.

Although the organism was on probation, he got out less then 24 hours after the rape.

The next day I was called into the county attorneys office. During my time there I had to go over it and found out that the officer never got picture of certain things he needed to, the county attorney was not happy. The officer didn't even take the sheets until 5 days later. Now it doesn't take one episode of CSI to know you take evidence right away.

I was warned by the officer, that the organism was dangerous, so my running began. I ran 25 miles away to stay at a friends and then back to my hometown. I stayed there until they revoked its probation and the organism turned itself in.

After that in no particular order the following event occurred.

My family had a scare and did not know where to find me and therefore told me not to speak to them, I did not hear from them for 3 weeks.

I had to return to the apartment to let the officer take pictures and get evidence, this while the organism was still free. I was terrified.

The County attorney did not know how to get my numerous text messages the organism sent me, so I did. They did not know how to get the voicemail off the phone, so I did. They could not find one witness, so I did. Now I don't know how I did it all, I was in overdrive.

I had to move out my apartment with just one person (not family), we did it ourselves. I texted one of my family members if they would help me and the text back was "Naw drinking tonight." It crushed me.

I was put on a disciplinary action plan by my work on May 30th, I worked for a "CARE" facility. I was off work and then fired. I lost the unemployment, they said I resigned. People get unemployment for anything these days but I guess not when your a victim of violent crime. I appealed and lost, I appealed again and we shall see.

When traveling to the town where the rape occurred to get my mail, I got comments by unknown individuals one was " I would rape you to bitch, your hot." That happened while walking into my apartment to get items. As I said in no particular order.

One little blurb was mentioned in the papers about how the organism got arrested and was bonded out. That's it. I am still upset about that. The papers that I have spoken to won't cover it because it has been to long. TODAY IS SIX MONTHS WHAT DO YOU MEAN TO LONG?! Not that I want my name splattered everywhere but come on, why should his name stay clean, why should the community not know.

So I was raped, had to gather information to put the organism away, was fired, denied unemployment, and the organism keeps a clean name. There is more I have forgotten but it is written down, I have a journal.

Oh and I was denied the right to vote because I had no home.

So there is the severity of it! I have asked my friends for donations, a chipin page was made, no one has donated or offered any help except The Rock.


If there is any lawyer, media, or anyone who thinks that just the gist of want I covered is enough contact me, I am tired of hiding.



Victoria Placeo

Sunday, November 16, 2008

EMDR and Rape Victims

My therapist and I start EMDR tommorow. EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a practice for treatment of patients with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Acute Stress Disorder, initially used for veterans. I watched the DVD with her at our last session. As a hypnotherapist, I found the information very interesting.

EMDR was developed by Francine Shapiro in 1987. According to the EMDR website:

"In 1987, Francine Shapiro was walking in the park when she realized that eye movements appeared to decrease the negative emotion associated with her own distressing memories."

The theory behind it can be found here in short the site states:

"Shapiro proposes that EMDR can assist to successfully alleviate clinical complaints by processing the components of the contributing distressing memories. These can be memories of either small-t or large-T traumas. Information processing is thought to occur when the targeted memory is linked with other more adaptive information. Learning then takes place, and the experience is stored with appropriate emotions, able to appropriately guide the person in the future. A variety of neurobiological contributors have been proposed4,5,6,7,8"

This is just a general overview of EMDR for more information you can go to: http://www.emdr.com/index.htm

I really believe it is worth looking into.

I am suppose to write the 10 most traumatic events I can remember for tomorrows session. I will keep you posted on how it works for me.


Victoria Placeo

OMG

Press Association article:

Women 'less sympathetic' over rape
3 hours ago

Sexual jealousy means female jurors are less likely to sympathise with rape victims, Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren claimed.

She said that lawyers defending a man on trial for rape would prefer more women on the jury as they would believe the victim "was asking for it".

Her comments came in a discussion about competition between women in an interview to promote her latest film, Inkheart.

Dame Helen, 63, said: "In a rape case the courts - in defence of a man - would select as many women as they could for the jury, because women go against women.

"Whether in a deep-seated animalistic way, going back billions of years, or from a sense of tribal jealousy or just antagonism, I don't know.

"But other women on a rape case would say she was asking for it. The only reason I can think of is that they're sexually jealous."

Her comments in the Sunday Times Magazine came just a few months after she waded into controversy by speaking about being a victim of date-rape.

Asked if she reported the incidents, which took place when she was younger, to the police, she told GQ: "No, you couldn't do that in those days.

"It's such a tricky area, isn't it? Especially if there is no violence. I mean, look at Mike Tyson. I don't think he was a rapist."

Former heavyweight champion Tyson was sentenced to six years in prison in 1992 for raping a Miss Black America beauty contestant in an Indiana hotel room.


OMG That's All I Got


Victoria Placeo



Saturday, November 15, 2008

All I Have Left The 3 C's

It dawned on me today that I only have a few things left that were not robbed from me. They are my only things, my 2 C's

I have my CAR that gets me to COUNSELING.....

I have my CREDIT CARDS that give me CASH to survive.....

And finally I have my CLOTHES to keep the COLD out......


My 3 C's are the only things I have left. All I have left due to a COCK SUCKING, CRIMINAL, COCKROACH that COMMITTED a CRIME against me.

Also,

I don't have a CIVIL suit because the COCK SUCKING, CRIMINAL, COCKROACH was a CRAP.

I got CANNED by a "CARE" facility leaving me without CASH.

And nobody CARES!!

Yup, it's official, I don't like the letter C anymore.


Have a COLOSSAL rest of the weekend!!



Victoria Placeo

Friday, November 14, 2008

Thank You Nancy Grace!!

I don't care what anyone says about Nancy Grace, I liked her before I was raped and still like her today.

She is straight, to the point, and doesn't mince words. Why am I writing about Nancy Grace?

It was an episode that was aired on November 3rd or 4th, I don't recall which date. Nancy was covering the Jennifer Hudson family murders. By the way, my thoughts and prayers go to that family.

Nancy was speaking to a psychiatrist and got on his case a little (I love it when she stands ground). The issue was about Jennifer Hudson being able to mourn and "get over it."

Nancy told the doctor first off that people may never get over it, but what struck me the most was what she said next.

She explained to the doctor that without Jennifer Hudson having closure on who shot her family, along with the general duties required when someone you love passes, there is no time to cope, there is no time to deal with the emotions.

I figured that out on my own when my symptoms from the rape seemed to get worse after the organism was sentenced. I figured that since I was running around to find a safe place, to meet with the state, to gather my own evidence, to move my things out of my apartment, that I never had time to slow down.

I concurred that not being able to slow down and process what actually happened until after the sentencing was why I was getting worse.

To hear Nancy Grace say that on public T.V. was a relief, a comfort, a feeling that someone understood. I was nearly brought to tears and did cry later. She understood.

So I thank Nancy Grace and the work she is doing. She may never realize how many viewers she effects by her understanding of the pain crime victims go through. I hope one day I will be able to tell my story or someone may read this and I will touch someones life like Nancy Grace touched mine.

Thanks Again Nancy!!


Victoria Placeo

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Fantasy and The Reality

I have been around others often. In fact I try my best not to isolate because I know that could lead to worse things.

I know that I look okay to others. I act okay, I don't bring the rape up much, I strive to make ends meet. That is the fantasy I portray to others.

Oddly enough, that is the fantasy they want, believe, and will keep on pursuing with their interactions with me. No one wants to ask if your okay or if you need anything. I believe they are scared, uncomfortable, or just in denial of rape.

The reality.......the reality is I don't feel okay.........

When I close my eyes at night I see the organisms face.

At least three to five times a week I dream of the organism.

When doors slam where I am staying or loud noises arise, I remember. Although I didn't see it when it happened, I picture my apartment door being kicked in.

I feel very anxious and the panic attacks that I conquered at 23 years of age seem to have crept back into my life.

I don't want to be around people, I don't want to meet new people, and I barely want to see my own friends. People annoy me and make me nervous.

I feel scared and alone.

I feel ugly and extremely insignificant to most people.

I am tired quite often and the littlest things wear me out.

I have developed a stutter once and awhile that is extremely annoying

I am constantly worried about paying bills, reclaiming a normal life, and my trust in humanity is gone.

And finally, although it is years away I fear the organisms release.


There, that is the reality! I carry on normal life, faking it till I make it, wondering if I can keep the fantasy going. Wondering if someone will say you deserve to be heard, I care about your feelings, or just tell me things are going to be alright.

What I believe is the worst thing, is that if I was curled up in the fetal position, people would take note. If I would have died or been beaten to a pulp people would haved care. Very Sad. I am very sad!


Victoria Placeo

Monday, November 10, 2008

I feel no security

Although, I am safe now, and the organism is behind bars, I feel very insecure and on edge.

After losing everything I feel I have nothing solid. I have spoke with the individual who lets me stay with them and they say there is no need to worry, because I can stay as long as I like.

I appreciate that but I feel if I get to be to much of a burden that, that invitation may change. I know they say it won't but my security issues are so high.

I am feeling more anxiety and depression as the days go by. I have been worried about myself on and off (although I try not to) wondering if I will be okay.

I am doing the best I can but my trust, abandonment, and security feel threatened by the thoughts of loss and recurrence. I try to direct my thoughts to the positives of what I have left, but like now, I have huge moments of weakness.


Victoria Placeo

Thursday, November 6, 2008

A Great Song To Describe Life After Being Raped

I am having a really rough one here. I think losing the right to vote cracked me. I am obviously still functionally ( for crap sakes I am righting this).

They say your never alone and although there are many people out there in similar situations. You are alone! Below is how it feels, think about it, put yourself in the situation, please.




Now the lyrics from a rape survivors perspective:

I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

( Although I try not to focus on the pain, there are times when all you have is suffering)
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

(You do try to kill it away, by being productive, redirecting your focus, acting for others to show you are alright. The reality is that everyday, you struggle because your remember the horrific details vividly.)

Everyone I know
goes away In the end

(Friends, Family, Community leave you. Even with a conviction, there is no support, emotionally, mentally, or financially. In fact there is hardly communication. My phone does not ring anymore.)

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt

(Although I am alive which I am grateful for, I have not much left. No home, No Family, No Job, No Security........My empire of dirt.)

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

(Bad memories, abandonment, hopelessness, alone thoughts. I do my best to find the positive, it is way more difficult then I ever imagined.)

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear

(As the time goes on, I do have more and more times of feeling numb. Good, Bad? I don't know.)

You are someone else
I am still right here

(A very powerful lyric. If any of you are suffering or have suffered you know that someone else cannot relate. Although I have asked for help, they are someone else in a happier time. A time I had before the rape. I am still right here unnoticed and ignored.)

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

(I know you can't take back time, but I would. I would have never moved to the little town in 2007. I would have never have payed attention to my surroundings. I would have been my own person away from that community.)


Although your gone Johnny Cash, I am sorry you had to Hurt, and thank you for the song!

Victoria Placeo


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Rape Victim Disenfranchised

AWWWWWWWWWWW RIGHT I'VE HAD IT!!

I went to vote yesterday, to the community where the rape occurred. A community I don't care to go back to right now. Despite my circumstances, I realized the patriotic duty to vote.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..........I went to the place and showed ID.........and here came the question..........current address? NO!

So to clear things up, in May the rape occurred, I left the area I lived in and the apartment, and moved to an area 20 miles away.

I had to stay close due to the criminal proceedings. The area was across state lines into another state. I have the kindest person who stated I can stay here as long as I like.

I did not have physical address in the state I was registered nor in the state I stay in now. Yes, I have no home.

I call the courthouse in the state the rape occurred and explained my situation. The clerks response "sure hope your friends are voting for right person." HaHaHa FUNNY!!!!

So I was disenfranchised, or deprived the right to vote, according to http://wordnet.princeton.edu

Now, I realize that by the law I could not vote due to my displacement. Oh yeah, that's another thing by definition again I am an internally displaced person according to iDMC.

But wait, according to that site, the US is not listed. According to Amnesty International USA, Katrina victims are displaced, which I totally agree. Sooo........AM I AN INTERNALLY DISPLACED PERSON? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW! According to definition I am. If anyone wants to answer that feel free!

Back to it, yes I know I was not denied voting because I was raped, I know there are laws governing voting. Buuuuuuttttttt............

Excuse me if an organism broke in,sexually assaulted me.........AND I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO ESTABLISHING RESIDENCY!!

I thought after the fact (yesterday) I could have voted absentee or mail-in, but nope, don't have a home and do not want to pay any fines for fraud.

SO LET'S TALLY THIS UP:

Lost my right to say no
Lost my sense of security
Lost some self-respect
Lost some self-esteem
Lost my right to press charges (not that I would not of)
Lost my right to want lawyer I wanted (not that they weren't good ones)
Lost my town I just moved to months earlier
Lost my apartment (I have a place to stay, just no home)
Lost my job
Lost unemployment (get to that one in a later post)
Lost my income
Lost some friends
Lost family communication
Lost my trust
Still losing my hair

AND LOST THE RIGHT TO VOTE?!??!!!!! UNFREAKINCREDIBLE!!

Yet, I am still standing........NOT AS A PROUD AMERICAN, BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET TO VOTE!

If there is an official of some sort or a political junkie who reads this, let me know exactly what I am IDP, DP? Could I have voted in some top secret way that everyone else was unaware of?


Victoria Placeo



Monday, November 3, 2008

Rape and Sexual Assault Group

As time goes by it becomes more painful to realize that there are very few who are there for me during this time of recovery.

There were not many in the first place after the rape that were there in my situation.

If my family ever reads this, I will feel awful, but the reality is they were there a little in the beginning, but then it came to a point where I didn't hear from them. I don't hear from them often now.

There were some friends in the beginning, but they have dwindled as well. It makes one lose hope for humanity.

Those who know what happened, know I was violently raped. They know I lost the town I lived in, my apartment, my job, and have no source of income. But yet hardly even a phone call and if there is one, the question "How are you doing" does not even come out.

It is usually to ask me for help or to do something, like go out to a bar. Although, I have been out, I don't consider it a high priority. I want people to care and to help, but I can't make people realize the extent of my situation.

I stood back, last night, and actually took a look at my situation as an outsider might see it. I was floored! I looked at myself and said this girl has lost everything she knew to be her life.

I understand that many rape and sexual assault victims may still have a home, a family to help, friends who care. However, I can't help but think of the many who do not and how they feel.

It is extremely difficult to deal with just the aftermath of being raped, but to lose most everything else is a burden no one should have to bear.

You realize that if those people don't care now, in a desperate time of need, they never will. You reevaluate your friends and family and realize that if they only want you around for good times, then why keep them.

It is painful, however out of the pain I did create something for others. I created RASA Survivors a rape support group or social network, where survivors can befriend one another.

RASA Survivors is a network where sexual assault and violent crime victims can unite and develop friendships and share survival ideas.

The sexual assault support group is also for secondary survivors. Not only do they know how to work with a violent crime survivor, but they can get support as well.

RASA Survivors is a social network and it is my hope that it will help many including myself. The site can be found here http://www.rasasurvivors.com



Victoria Placeo

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I Feel So Bad

Sometimes, I just feel so bad, depressed I guess you would say. Sleeping sounds like the only answer.

Little things that upset me before are magnified times a hundred. I can't blame others for that, but sometimes I think people just don't think.

I know that people are selfish, not necessarily on purpose, and I don't think they should not be. You are the only one looking out for you, so you have to have an element of selfishness.

In the case of a rape survivor people really just don't think about how it might hurt or help the survivor. I don't believe they do things on purpose to hurt the survivor, however there is no thought.

You would not ask a person dying of cancer to accept certain things, be a certain way, or not feel how they feel.

THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE THE RAPE SURVIVOR IS SUFFERING AT TIMES AS WELL!!!


Victoria Placeo

Monday, October 27, 2008

Out of the Mouths of Babes - What I Learned from a Seven Year Old

I was visiting a friend last week in my hometown. She has been one of those friends that has been around to listen and be supportive. She has three darling little children 2 boys and a girl.

The night I was there her 7 year old girl had a swollen, infected finger. Apparently, she had had it the day before and it was getting worse. My friend and her husband decided that it would be best to take her to a clinic open at night to have someone look at it.

I accompanied my friend and her that precious 7 year old to the clinic. Her daughter seemed calm and also has the gift of gab. We arrived at the clinic and everything seemed to go smoothly. They got us in quickly and sat the little girl up on the table.

After the nurse took her temperature and noted the problem, she exited, and my friends daughter began to talk. She spoke randomly about the different items in the room and seemed to not even take a breath between speaking.

Then she began to speak about her finger, it's condition, and what the doctor might do, this is not verbatim but kind of how it went:

"The doctor will look at it probably and see it and give me a pill, maybe one i can chew. Maybe the doctor will give me a pill to drink and it will go in my stomach and down to my finger."

She spoke these words while looking back and forth at myself and her mother. She looked at me for what seemed like a need for confirmation and I stated that, that was probably what the doctor would do. While her eyes rolling around as if she were thinking she went on to say:

Yes the doctor will give me medicine and we will pick it up and that won't be hard. No, this won't be hard, I'll just get the medicine and that's all and my finger will be good. This won't be a hard one.

As I sat there I realized here was this precious 7 year old girl, scared on the inside of what was going to happen. She was verbally talking herself through the steps and confirming to herself, that the visit would go find and she would be alright.

As cute as it was it awakened something in me. Much like my friends amazing daughter, who had the ability at 7 to make everything alright, I must two speak the way I want things to be.

Here is what I should say, much like my friends daughter, to make thinks okay:

So I was raped, and they took me to the hospital. The man got put in prison, so I am safe now. I did get fired for being on medical leave, but I think there are many jobs out there. I don't have much support and financially no one wants to help, but I do have a few people to be there. With time I will find a way to get back on my feet and feel better. Yes, this won't be a hard one.

I learned this from a 7 year old and I believe that it is true. I believe that like my friends daughter, I need to rationalize the future of what I want to happen. This won't be a hard one.

One of the most touching and valuable tools I have witnessed and used so far came.......Out Of The Mouths Of Babes.


Victoria Placeo

Monday, October 20, 2008

Suicide is Never an Option...But What Does A Rape Survivor Do?

It is my belief that suicide should never be an option and in my life it is not. I was never one of the people who looked at anyone who did commit suicide and say "oh how selfish." I didn't believe it then and don't now.

However, I have a much better understanding now, at leave in a rape scenario.

What do you do when someone took away your safety and self-respect?

What do you do when:

You lost your security, self-esteem, your town, your job, your home,your income, your health insurance, your friend and family supports......what is left?

I understand that all this shall pass and that the town, job, etc. there will be more of those. What about your support, when you actually realize that the people you thought would be there are not, it is a eye-opener.

The really sad part is that if the organism would have hurt me physcially bad enough to be hospitalized, people would be there. Whats even worse is that when you realize if the organism would have killed you then and only then, would people take notice.

I have had thoughts such as it would be easier if I were gone, but I dont beleive in it. I have also had thoughts that the organism should of done it right and knocked me off, no suffering then.

Anyway, I have given up for now, I have lost all hope.

Victoria Placeo



Saturday, October 18, 2008

5 Month Rape Anniversary Tribute - To The Organism

In Honor Of The Five Month Anniversary Date Of Rape, I Thought I Would Dedicate a Little Song To The Organism





Thanks For Everything You Prick!!
Victoria Placeo


2008 Candidates WHO TO VOTE FOR.....AHHHH

Don't what to say, guess don't mess with a pissed off rape victim?

This is the 5 month anniversary of the rape, and I am livid. I have not blogged in a while , been having the dreaded depression.

The things I have to write about today are many, but since the election is coming up I will stick to that.

Registered independent here, and in awe and disgust on what I read on the subject of rape and the candidates.

Mccain with the raped ape joke
Mccain voting against Biden on the rape tests
Palin ignoring the rape tests
Obama seeking out a rape victim for an add
ETC ETC ETC......................

I am not going to cite all these, if you want to find them and are reading this you know how to work a search engine.

Also, I realize that they are tactics to bring the other side down, the big lefties and righties battle.

I can not speak for other rape victims , survivors, whatever. I can say that RAPE IS NOT A SIDE SHOW!!

Because rape and sexual assault survivors did not get raped in one big disaster.........DOES NOT MEAN THAT THERE IS NOT A BIG GROUP OF SURVIVORS THAT NEED HELP!

I know you have your the arrogant bloggers who say .........oooohhhh listen to the little angry rape girl , hope shes in counseling (no worries I am)!! If your one of those quit reading an ignore the post people are either tired of hearing from you or they come out of the shear need for amusement.

YES, I am angry, but you know it is not necessarily about the rape, its about people not helping people in need because it was not a mass disaster. Its about me ignoring for many years people crys for a little help in a time of need. Its about me being in the mental health arena for years helping victims and never really understanding what it was like. AND YES IT'S ABOUT THE CANDIDATES WHO ONLY ADDRESS RAPE WHEN THERE ATTACKING NOT WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT!!

So the angry little rape girl says BRING IT ON CANDIDATES!! TELL ME WHAT YOUR GOING TO DO ABOUT IT!!

No offense to the McCain/Palin but I believe this is an area you should pay attention to.

LET ME HELP....IT'S LIKE A HURRICANE, ALL THE UNFORTUNATE PEOPLE HIT........EXCEPT NOT ALL AT ONCE, STILL WANDERING AROUND NEEDING HELP!!

So, if you feel the need to critique this, don't bother, I am not here to to win a proper english award, speak for all victims, OR IMPRESS YOU!!

If you agree or have CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM feel free!!

Bring it on candidates tell me what YOUR GONNA DO ABOUT IT!!

Feel free to email me at victoriaplaceo@gmail.com


Victoria Placeo

By the way I really am a nice person

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Social Network for Rape and Sexual Assault Survivors Launched

Yesterday I launched RASA Survivors a social network for Survivors and Secondary Survivors of rape and sexual assault.

Notice how I state SURVIVORS! There are many forums and groups out there for people which are wonderful, but this site is different. RASA Survivors is a network where individuals who were victimized come and focus and share tool, techniques, etc that leads to a survivor not a victim. Survivor means moving forward, looking towards the future and living life again.

If individuals need to talk about what happened to them there are plenty of wonderful counselors, groups, and forums to go too.

This site is also different in the fact that everyone has a different way of healing. The mental health field is crucial in recovery, but there are many alternative routes that have helped people. I encourage no matter what it is, as long as it is beneficial to others and of course not offensive, for each person to share what information they have.

The site is monitored throughout the day, just to assure that things are positive in nature and will benefit its members.

If you are a Survivor or Secondary Survivor of Rape or Sexual Assault, I encourage you to come see what we are about and make new positive friends. If you are not either, but know someone who is a survivor, do them the favor of directing them to http://www.rasasurvivors.com



I look forward to meeting some of you at New social network for rape and sexual assault survivors!!


Victoria Placeo

Monday, October 13, 2008

Secondary Victim Of Rape - The Rock Comes Through Again

In past posts I have asked for assistance stating my situation and also asking people to buy my items so I could survive for a while. No one heard my plea but once again The Rock , my main secondary victim did.

The Rock created this website entitled Victoria Placeo

The Rock as I have mentioned in past posts is my main secondary victim of my rape. Without the Rock I don't know what I would do. Once again throughout everything he is the only one that came through. I make it my mission to make sure he knows how wonderful he is.

The website he created can be found here:

http://victoriaplaceo.chipin.com/victoriaplaceo

This money I will use to pay for medical bills not covered by Victims Assistance,my personal bills (yes I am applying for jobs, against therapists advice), food, and shelter.

Thank you for your help and Thank you Lord for The Rock!




Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Palin,Rape Kits,2008 Election Again From A Rape Survivor

I don't know Larry At Large and at first he seemed to be a little severe. However, after reading his posts on his site larry@large, I like him. He's blunt and amusing, in fact even his subheading is great:

AN INDEPENDENT CONSERVATIVE LOOK AT THE STORIES

THAT ARE USUALLY NOT IN THE LAME STREAM MEDIA

Now who would not want to read that?

Now what does this have to due with Palin and the big rape kit controversy. Well on Larry's page he addresses it, that is how I found the site.

According to Larry:

"Never have I seen so much made about so little. Thousands of left wing blogs are reporting about Gov. Palin and the "FACT" that she authorized the policy that made rape victims pay for their rape kits. The truth is NO victims of rape were ever charged for a rape kits. It's a non-issue... another smear tactic created by some 35year old left wing blogger spewing out all his hatred while living free of charge in his mother's basement!"



Now many could say such a thing, buuuutttt, Larry backs it up with an official report which can be found here:

http://larryatlarge.tripod.com/wassilarapekitreport.pdf

Now, I can hear it now, how can someone who has been violently raped, think it is a non-issue. Precisely, that is all someone will read that Larry@large called it a non-issue. Typical emotional response especially if you are a victim. READ THE ENTIRE PARAGRAPH!!

If the report from Larry is correct, then it never should have been brought up in the first place.

DO YOU EVEN THINK WHEN I WAS LYING IN THAT HOSPITAL I WAS THINKING WHO WAS GOING TO PAY FOR THE DAMN KIT!!!

Now, on a calmer note, No I believe rape victims should not have to pay for their kits. However, I don't think you go bringing up a subject that looked good for bashing people,especially when YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN RAPED!! Oops, that wasn't calm, so very sorry.

Now for those of you who have been raped, yes it is good to pay attention to things that are important to you. And yes after what you and I have been through we should. We have good and bad days and it is easy for us to emotionally react to things. We see and injustice regarding rape and we react.

The key is to react, relax, and research (hmmm,I should copyright that).....

Will we ever know what is true with Palin and Rape Kits, dunno, the report looks good to me. Regardless, of if we know or not, I believe as a victim I should be a little more proactive.

In fact, I think all survivors of violent crime should be a little more proactive with our efforts. It takes nothing but a second for us to complain about what an official does,I am no stranger to that and probably will complain again.

However, if we research and see what can be done in the future instead of backtracking on what has been done (which again I sure I will do more of, for venting purposes), we may get somewhere.

Either way whether you agree or not, I know for sure that if we keep focusing as a mass group on what we do not want, that's exactly what we will get.

History will not repeat itself in the exact same way if we focus on the wants verses the not wants of our candidates and officials.

Agree or disagree, no need to let me know. I just want to thank Larryatlarge for the info and he blunt nature.


Victoria Placeo


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

To Secondary Victims of Rape - From The Rock

Apparently, during my breakdown Sunday while pleading for help, the Rock wrote his thoughts and I received them in email.

This is what The Rock wrote to other secondary victims of Rape, however I believe it would for any secondary victim of violent crime.

What do you do when there is nothing that you can do?

As secondary victims we are there for our loved one, but there are things that we will just never know. Whether it is the nightmares or flashbacks, these things happen all the time and we are not always present with our loved one. There are going to be times that even though we are always there and supportive, we are still outsiders.

I’m not the type to sit back and let things come to me. I tend to take charge of my situations and work toward a solution. I’m finding now that doing this doesn’t work in this situation. It’s a healing process, but that process takes time and when you have no control over the actions of others i.e. family, victim’s assistance, and unemployment benefits you and I as secondary victims are left with no good explanation, when that explanation is needed.

When it comes down to it, it’s not us that they are upset with; it’s not us that have treated them poorly. We love and support them and have to remember that simple fact. That really is the only that we can do when there is nothing to do.


The Rock has been through it all with me and it is my hope and I am sure his that these words will someday reach other secondary victims of rape or any other crime.


Victoria Placeo



Sunday, October 5, 2008

RAPE VICTIMS ARE NOTHING - YEP I'M PISSED

This is a full blown emotional post, so if I say anything to offend anyone, I AM NOT SORRY!

Apparently, because I am not a cute baby, or an ill person, or a victim of a huge disaster, I am not worthy enough to have anyone one help me.

I am not looking to cash in on my rape, I just need a little freaking help.

The organism should have killed me at least that a way benefit would be arranged for the poor family of the girl that got killed.

When you are left alive, no one cares, no one wants to help, and could really give a rats ass about you.

If I would have been beaten to a pulp or severely burned, people would want to help. I just want someone to say hey, this must be hard for you, is there anything I can do to help.

But I am not a cute baby or and extremely ill person and the organism didn't kill me. Therefore, I am not worth the respect of the organism getting media coverage, getting any help , or any assistance. I survived so I am screwed.


Have great day!!



Victoria Placeo

PS I welcome your emails, ITS GO TIME!













Friday, October 3, 2008

Rape Victims Plea for Help - I'm Sorry I didnt want it to come to this

I have blogged a while now and I never wanted it to come to me asking for help, but I need it.........let me explain.......

At the end of May 2008, an organism (man, but I don't like to call it that) kicked in my door and violently raped me. I am emotionally and physically scared. That should be enough to deal with....yes?

The state pressed charges, which automatically put me in the passengers seat of another battle. They had much evidence but had difficulty finding other things they needed. I had to go into overdrive mode and get other evidence myself. A little bit after I retrieved some evidence for the state, the organism took a plea bargain.

Why am I complaining about that. I'm not, I am grateful for the organism taking the plea bargain and off to prison, but if the state could not convict him or get the evidence they needed they should not have pressed the charges.

From the rape to sentencing was complete stress, not just with the rape trauma, but with having to find evidence etc.

I was put on medical leave for the incident, and in July they fired me for it. I had an interview with unemployment and they denied me. I appealed this week. I was on medical leave, I was raped, I WORKED DOING THERAPY FOR THOSE IN NEED, and they fired me.

I lost my apartment, but I could not go back there anyway, the landlord did not give me the deposit back due to the kicked in door, which would have helped.

I just moved to the small town in 2007 so I really had no solid ground or friends yet. The town was small enough that I had to go. I knew one person in the area (I had to stay in the area due to legal things) and they let me have a room, so I do have a room.

When I went back to that small town I had a couple of profane things yelled at me which added to the stress.

I applied for victims assistance in may, I finally received a small check (well under 1000)in September to cover some bills.

A lawyer said they would take my case, but my only option was to sue the establishment that got the organism drunk prior to the rape. Ethically, I can't do that, I can't blame a place for the organisms behavior. The lawyer was going to help me with all matters until I stated that I did not want to sue the establishment. Her clerk told me I could not afford her time.

Due to the stress, I am on pills to try and get my hair to quit falling out. They are not working.

Do I have family yes. I had not heard from them in 7 weeks until last weekend. They don't ask how I am doing or if I am okay, they don't talk about it.

I travel when I can to get counseling, but the only therapists around here are all connected with the establishment that fired me, guess you know why I cant go to them.

At one point I asked my friends to donate a buck, didn't see a thing.

I am selling my personal items to pay my bills. I want to recover well and keep my credit good , I am doing the best I can.

Do I deserve any more help then anyone else, probably not.

But I look up how to fund raise and I see help blah blah pay for there wedding and help blah blah pay off this or that. Why can't people donate to a rape victim is it so much of taboo subject.

If just a small amount of people would help with a buck to five I could live another month.

I don't want to go shopping, I just want to buy groceries, pay my bills, have an apartment or be able to pay for my room.

My hope is that someone will read this and donate with my paypal button on the side.

My hope is that a civil organization may see this and see my rights have been a little screwed over.

My hope is maybe an attorney would read this and want to help.

My hope is that maybe someone has a fundraising idea.

My hope is for someone to care enough, to help a little.

I know I am not a 911 or hurricane victim, but I have lost everything to.

Please help me, I will do all I can, to make sure I could get you back when you need me. If you don't want to donate maybe you could buy my stuff?


If you have questions email me

Thanks


Victoria Placeo




Wednesday, October 1, 2008

True Courtroom Humor ... Sadly So Very True

I received this email this morning and got a kick out of it. Then I got to thinking, although I did not have to go to court the deposition was veeeerrrrrryyyy, similar........

True Courtroom Humor ...
----- These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken
down and now published court reporters who had the
torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking
place.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?!
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY:&n bsp; Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in=2 0a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.



Oh boy, HaHa, LOL;) I needed a break from the remembering and addressing the negativity of rape.

As I remember the deposition, I tried to remember some of the funny (not funny at the time) questions the organisms attorney asked me.

I could only really recall one questions that I thought was ludicrous

Now remember, I lived in an upstairs apartment with an outside door. You had to walk up steps onto a wooden balcony and there were only 2 apartments upstairs.

So it went like this and remember THIS IS NOT VERBATIM:

Attorney: So you heard The Organism(my word)yelling out side your apartment
Me: Yes
Attorney: Are you sure it was The Organism (my word) who yelled outside the door
Me: Yes
Attorney: Could it have been someone else
Me: No
Attorney: How are you sure it was The Organism (my word)
Me: Because I know it's (the organism, my word)voice and less then 10 seconds later it kicked in my door and entered my bedroom.

Not funny, but yet kinda. Where do they get these people. You could barely fit 2 people on the landing outside my apartment.

Don't get me wrong I like attorneys, without them I would not have gotten a little justice but come on.

If I remember more I'll post them, but it probably won't happen, I try not to recall it.




Victoria Placeo
















Monday, September 29, 2008

Rape and the 2008 Election

In past posts, I have commented on the political rape news. The two main posts were targeted at McCain and Palin. McCain with his Raped Ape Joke and Palin with her rape kits.

I addressed this because of there subject matter relating to me being raped. As I have stated in those posts, it was not necessarily about whom I favored for the 2008 election more about the news and how I felt about the issue.

I will not divulge if I am a right winger but so far from my posts I sound like a Pinko Commie Lib. So I had to even out the score.

There has not been alot of popular headlines about Obama and Biden on Rape except there attacks on The Righties. However, I found this article "Rape jokes to the Right and the Left" Thank you Ed Morrissey for summing it all up.

In the article it shows the Democrats on McCain by stating this:

“Offensive, disgusting comments like these cannot be tolerated,” said DNC communications director Karen Finnery. “Sen. McCain’s refusal to return the money Williams raised for him raises serious questions and shows the reality behind his rhetoric about running a new kind of campaign.”
Cecile Richards, daughter of the late governor and president of the Planned Parenthood Action Fund, blasted McCain for being ignorant of Williams’ history.
“Clayton Williams’ totally inappropriate remarks about women are well-known,” Richards told the Chronicle. “Planning to host a fundraiser at his house is just another example of how out of touch John McCain is when it comes to women’s issues. This is a major misstep for the McCain campaign, who is having a hard time getting support from women.”

The article then show the Republicans in regards to Al Franken stating this:

"Nonetheless, Republican state Rep. Laura Brod said the quotes combined with the Playboy piece shows “a pattern of behavior which is not suitable for a U.S. senator.”
“Rape, a joke. Just think about it. Rape is not a punchline and it certainly is not funny,” Brod said, adding, “To thousands of women in this nation who are raped and sexually assaulted, the prospect that a man making a living joking about these things would be a U.S. senator is absolutely horrifying.”


Now since I have commented on McCain and Palin, I find it only fair to address Al Franken. An article entitled "Franken's Senate Race Haunted by 1995 Rape Joke on 'SNL' Set" according to the article Franken stated this:

"And 'I give the pills to Lesley Stahl. Then when Lesley's passed out, I take her to the closet and rape her.' Or `That's why you never see Lesley until February.' Or, `When she passes out I put her in various positions and take pictures of her."


Funny..........UMMMM, NO!

And and according to ABC News:

"Eight years ago, Franken penned a column for Playboy called "Porn-O-Rama!" in which the former Saturday Night Live comedian wrote about visiting a made-up sex institute where he takes part in sexual acts with humans and machines."

Soooo........

I agree with Ed Morrissey when he states:

"People use humor in many different ways, and sometimes it comes out badly. A joke in poor taste from eight, thirteen, or eighteen years ago does not condemn a person to a Dante-like Circle of Political Hell. The shrieking hysterics on both sides need to dial down the outrage."


People do use humor in different ways, I however, do not think about a rape joke as being funny. However, when thinking about Halloween I always thought going as a salt shaker and a battery "A Salt and Battery" was funny and a cute idea.

Now, Victoria whats the difference between you never thinking jokes about rape are funny but thinking an A Salt and Battery costume is. I'll tell you.....THERE IS NONE.

Hold on I'm going somewhere with this one. Because I thought the "A Salt and Battery" costume was funny then, did that mean I thought being assaulted or battered was a funny thing...........NOPE, SURE DIDN'T.

So what the hell makes my humor in the past that was just as inappropriate as these politicians past comments any different. NOTHING! Well, except that I'm not running for office, but... I bet if I was I would be scrutinized for my " A Salt and Battery" costume humor.

Let the Rape jokes go people, even if you were raped like myself, I highly doubt that at some point in your life you did not find something inappropriate funny.

This election has nothing to do with rape, the jokes are just a weeny way to attack both sides. Neither side I believe is now or will be while in office to concerned with rape laws and the like. I could be wrong..........yes it could happen.

With all the Rape talk and sexually inappropriate things in the media, the only real one that concerns me is Palin ignoring the rape kits. For two reasons, one is a little about rape but the other is just straight forward, what else will she ignore.

Also, I believe that out of all the rape talk BS , McCain would be the closest candidate to realize the suffering of rape. I AM NOT STATING HE IS MY CHOICE! I am stating that he went through horrible pain and suffering, and a violent rape is pain and suffering!

Soooooo.........bring it on candidates, you want a recently raped girl on your side, come and get me, let's see what we can do!!



Victoria Placeo