Friday, July 18, 2008

Anniversary Date Of The Incident (Im Sorry, RAPE)

Why am I blogging on a Friday night. Today July 18 is the two month anniversary of the incident (of yet I have not blogged about). I hate using the word anniversary because it should be something special to remember. This is one of those moments that I switch words. The anniversary of the incident, shall now be referred to the violation date. I know it is not a nice word, but fitting.

If I have not mentioned it before, my employment was in the mental health field. I used to work with numerous people whom had trouble whenever their violation date was approaching. I didn't understand and as awful as it is for me to admit, I almost looked at it as an attempt for attention. How very, very wrong I was.

Although, the people I worked with did not know I thought this way, I want to publicly apologize for minimizing their pain.

Today is hard, very hard. I keep thinking what I was doing two months ago at this time. And worse yet, I keep thinking what was I doing the week before May 18th. What could I have noticed to prevent the violent crime? Where did I go wrong?

Just like I used to be, no one else seems to understand the impact of a violation date. The people whom are close to me and have helped (and their are few) don't have a clue to the ups and downs of this day for me. I need someone, and no one is around. I guess that is what the 800 numbers are for, huh? I am not trying to devalue the 800 numbers, but it would be nice to have a friend, or someone who thinks, hmmm Victoria might need me today.

In their defense, they have their own lives. It is not their job to make me feel better or to be their for me. It is not their responsibility to remember the date, although many know. They have their own lives and they don't stop because of my agony and needs, nor do I expect them to.

My feelings are very mixed. I guess my two predominant are self-blame and loneliness. I have memories flash in my mind numerous times an hour. I am confused, why are self-blame and loneliness all I feel now. I guess another which is ongoing is distrustful. I trust no one at this point, probably explaining my loneliness. Below is a song by Johnny Cash entitled "Hurt", I have listened to this often it is so accurate to my feelings. I have bolded the lyrics that have the most impact.

"Hurt"
By
Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything


[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all

My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here


[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Victoria Placeo

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