Friday, August 8, 2008

The 911 Call

The Organism took a plea bargain, therefore I asked my Victims Advocate if I could listen to the 911 call. Because there is not trial, I actually got a copy of it.

Why would I do this, why would I want to relive it?

After the rape, I don't remember much about the call or what I said and did. I kept imagining what happened. For me I had to know what was said, with the hopes that I could remember that time period correctly.

I listened to the CD with The Rock last night. It was very difficult. On the call, I kept saying "I want my Daddy." I also asked for my sister and my ex-husband (ex-husband by name but not naming him.

I was hoping to remember more, I was tired of imagining what it was like. All I did remember before listening to the CD was the nice 911 girl, sitting in the bathroom, and the emergency man, who tried to get me out of the bathroom.

I am sorry to say the call did not help much in remembering. I heard a few gaps in the call where I quieted down, and I did remember that I was checking on the bleeding I had (the full incident will be written about at a later time).

I am a bit upset that I don't remember more, however the CD through my whole night off. I felt bad, sad, confused, and on edge.

I felt very, very dirty. The way I explained it to The Rock, it felt like there was a film beneath my skin of bad. I explained to The Rock that I felt like I needed to cut my skin to remove the film. Now when I say that I dont mean in the action way. I don't want to harm myself, but I wanted to get rid of the bad. Another way I put it to The Rock was it was liked I was covered in primer ( the bad film) and on top was millions of layers of paint (my skin).

People probably think I am crazy for wanting to listen to it. It did upset me and remind me of the incident. However, what upset me the most was the people I asked for on the call.

They have no idea I asked for them and unfortunatley, those I asked for have not been the strong support I needed through this time. I asked for them because I trusted them and they were are not here for me. It makes me feel horrible.

In regards to listening to a 911 call, it's your choice on listening to yours, it could help or hurt. Whatever you decide, DON'T LISTEN TO IT ALONE!! Also, do not plan on having a very decent rest of the day.


Victoria Placeo

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