Sunday, August 17, 2008

My Secondary Victim - The Rock

As I have stated in past posts, I had one main support whom I call "The Rock." The Rock has been there every step of the way and still is. The Rock wrote this about being a secondary victim:

I am a secondary rape victim.

What does that mean? A friend of mine was raped by someone she knew.
How does that make me a victim? She had no where else to go and turned to me for support and shelter.

If you’re reading this, then you’re probably familiar with Victoria. She is a great person that has had nothing but disappointments in people, law enforcement and work since the incident. She and I haven’t known each other for very long, but I along with another friend of hers have been pretty much her sole support since the incident happened.

I had met the scumbag who raped her several months before, from the way he looked at me when we met; I always referred to him as “Evil Eye.” In her words though, he was her friend. He had helped her move into her apartment, she had called a doctor for him when he was sick, and they had even dated. It’s beyond my comprehension as to how he could do this to her. In the weeks after the incident, every time she had mentioned knowing him, doctors, lawyers, etc. had said that he wasn’t a good person and that she should stay out of town. Where the hell were these people before? Just about every week, she’s finding out from others what a slime ball this man really is. He’s going to be sentenced soon, I will be there. I want to look him in the eyes and let him know that there are better people out there than he will ever be.

As I had mentioned before I am her support through this. Where was her family? That’s what I’ve been wondering the entire time that she has stayed with me. She’s shared some of the phone calls and text messages that they have sent. There have been times when I have almost been more appalled by their actions then by the incident. She asked her on family member for some help to move out one day and the response was… can’t I’m drinking tonight. It floored me. They will make more beer, but you only have one sister. On the hottest day of the year so far, we borrowed her fmily members truck to move her out of the apartment. When we brought it back, since they didn’t help, they actually thanked me for my help. Again, floored, not a violent person, but I wanted to punch them in the face. I am nothing to these people. They do not know who I am. They do not know where I live and here is their daughter staying with me. They haven’t even shown any interest in meeting me. How is that possible? Would none of you be at your daughter’s side through out this? Or would you let a person who you do not even know take on your responsibility? There is emotional retardation as she has described it, but this is just plain wrong. Here is a woman that would give all that she had for her family and this is how they treat her.

It has fallen to me to be the support. She does have friends, but they are scattered. I have no psychological training.

What did I do? Nothing really that anyone wouldn’t do for another friend. First, she needed a safe and secure place to stay. I’ve never lived with a woman before and here was a rape victim who I had dated in the months prior to the incident. She didn’t need a boyfriend, but she needed reassurance that she would be safe. We got her to my place and got her settled in as much as possible, then I listened, I hugged and I did my best to reassure her that she had not changed as a person because of the incident. There are many things that are very tough to handle when you as a secondary victim, are living with this. Moods can change very quickly and flashbacks can happen. I have found her lying on the floor of the bathroom many times at night. When I’ve tried to wake her to go back to her bed, she has recoiled in horror at me because of the dream she was having. I know that logically, she is not afraid of me, but it hurts to see the look directed at me in her eyes. Other times she has broken down because the rapist has taken everything away from her and she has nothing left. She has feelings of insecurity and that she is unattractive because of the incident. The only thing that one can do with these situations is be there for her, not get down yourself because she doesn’t mean you when she says she has nothing. She’s not afraid of you. Let her know that you are there for her and give her the complements that she needs. Try to stay positive. Time and your care will heal.

She’s been living here about 10 weeks now and our relationship has changed. I really liked her prior to the incident. We had gone on dates and hung out together and had made future plans on seeing each other prior to the incident. I believe that she and I would’ve been dating regularly had the incident not happened. She is a wonderful, kind and loving person and our personalities really went well together. Since she’s been here, my feelings have turned to just dating and having fun together to love. I love this woman.

The biggest thing to remember is that rape does not change who the woman in your life is. She is in no way “damaged goods” she is a victim of a crime. It’s up to you to be her support. It’s up to you to do the best you can for her. You may not always do the right thing, but the things you do right will always help.


In a slight defense of my family , one family membber offered once to help me move and I denied it, I was and am very bitter. As far as the other comment, yes they did say they was "drinking" after I texted them to help move.

As much pain and confusion I am in, it kills me to know that The Rock, although not directly involved, feels the stress and frustration.




Victoria Placeo

No comments:

Post a Comment