Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Well You Look Ok. I'M NOT!!

I am doing the best I can to keep it together. Not many know about the flashbacks I have nor the roller coaster of emotions. It was suggested to me by my main support that perhaps I should let my feelings out, I guess I'm just not that type of person.

However what really burns me is that people see me and think I'm okay and state she looks okay, she seems fine.

I'm not okay! I cry quite often. I have dreams and nightmares every night. I wake up in different places where I'm staying. I even had to remove my freaking acrylic nails because I wake up with scratches.

I'm sad, I'm lonely, I trust no one. But lucky for me I look okay!

So in my normal way of research I found this on Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS) posted on Medicine Australia:

Acute Phase - Disorganisation

Impact Reactions - within hours Victims may present in a variety of ways, from

expressed style - feelings shown in such behaviour as crying, sobbing, smiling, restlessness, tenseness, joking.

controlled style - feelings are masked or hidden behind a calm, composed, or subdued effect.

Perhaps, I am the controlled style, and perhaps it may go beyond the Acute Phase of Rape Trauma Syndrome.

But..........if anyone is wondering this is a summary on
Medicine Australia of how I really feel:

Reorganisation Phase

Short-term effects - up to 3-4 months

generalised anxiety & fear.
disturbance - of eating, sleeping, thoughts, relationship.
disruption - to create safety eg change of phone number.
impaired social functioning
difficulty in maintaining/ establishing relationships.
guilt for not preventing assault (often).
sudden, unpredictable changes of residences and disappearances.
negative impact of legal processes.


According to aardvark.org ( An Abuse, Rape and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection) I may be in the denial stage:

Denial The two biggest things under this category are: that the event even happened and that even if it did, it didn't "bother" the victim. The stages of shock and denial can take severe mental and emotional tolls on victims. The psychological destruction, types of traumatic reactions and the long-term effects and syndromes impacting victims are many. The severity or length of the incident or incidents doesn't seem to have any impact on how deeply a victim is harmed - the victim of a date rape with minor physical injuries doesn't suffer less than a victim who is raped repeatedly and receives more severe physical injuries.

Who the heck cares...........bottom line................I'M NOT OKAY! And there is a good chance that is other survivors look okay they may not be.



Victoria Placeo

1 comment:

  1. I just gotta say that this is what i feel and experience right now.. i feel that i have no one to talk to even though my family and my closest friends know about it.. I was raped around 6 months ago, but none of the people who know about it have even asked me about it or how im doing in like the last 2-3 months.. im also not a person who likes to talk about my feelings, even though i really really want to at the same time, but im so confused that i dont know how to express myself. I dont know how to bring the subject up myself, and i dont even know if i want to hear what the people have to say if i talked to them.. I think they feel that i am getting better and starting to forget about it, but it is still the last thing i think about everyday, i relive the moment several times a day, and i dont feel any differently than i did months ago.. thank you for this blog, it actually helps me in a way i cant describe

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