Wednesday, October 1, 2008

True Courtroom Humor ... Sadly So Very True

I received this email this morning and got a kick out of it. Then I got to thinking, although I did not have to go to court the deposition was veeeerrrrrryyyy, similar........

True Courtroom Humor ...
----- These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken
down and now published court reporters who had the
torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking
place.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?!
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY:&n bsp; Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in=2 0a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.



Oh boy, HaHa, LOL;) I needed a break from the remembering and addressing the negativity of rape.

As I remember the deposition, I tried to remember some of the funny (not funny at the time) questions the organisms attorney asked me.

I could only really recall one questions that I thought was ludicrous

Now remember, I lived in an upstairs apartment with an outside door. You had to walk up steps onto a wooden balcony and there were only 2 apartments upstairs.

So it went like this and remember THIS IS NOT VERBATIM:

Attorney: So you heard The Organism(my word)yelling out side your apartment
Me: Yes
Attorney: Are you sure it was The Organism (my word) who yelled outside the door
Me: Yes
Attorney: Could it have been someone else
Me: No
Attorney: How are you sure it was The Organism (my word)
Me: Because I know it's (the organism, my word)voice and less then 10 seconds later it kicked in my door and entered my bedroom.

Not funny, but yet kinda. Where do they get these people. You could barely fit 2 people on the landing outside my apartment.

Don't get me wrong I like attorneys, without them I would not have gotten a little justice but come on.

If I remember more I'll post them, but it probably won't happen, I try not to recall it.




Victoria Placeo
















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