Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Fantasy and The Reality

I have been around others often. In fact I try my best not to isolate because I know that could lead to worse things.

I know that I look okay to others. I act okay, I don't bring the rape up much, I strive to make ends meet. That is the fantasy I portray to others.

Oddly enough, that is the fantasy they want, believe, and will keep on pursuing with their interactions with me. No one wants to ask if your okay or if you need anything. I believe they are scared, uncomfortable, or just in denial of rape.

The reality.......the reality is I don't feel okay.........

When I close my eyes at night I see the organisms face.

At least three to five times a week I dream of the organism.

When doors slam where I am staying or loud noises arise, I remember. Although I didn't see it when it happened, I picture my apartment door being kicked in.

I feel very anxious and the panic attacks that I conquered at 23 years of age seem to have crept back into my life.

I don't want to be around people, I don't want to meet new people, and I barely want to see my own friends. People annoy me and make me nervous.

I feel scared and alone.

I feel ugly and extremely insignificant to most people.

I am tired quite often and the littlest things wear me out.

I have developed a stutter once and awhile that is extremely annoying

I am constantly worried about paying bills, reclaiming a normal life, and my trust in humanity is gone.

And finally, although it is years away I fear the organisms release.


There, that is the reality! I carry on normal life, faking it till I make it, wondering if I can keep the fantasy going. Wondering if someone will say you deserve to be heard, I care about your feelings, or just tell me things are going to be alright.

What I believe is the worst thing, is that if I was curled up in the fetal position, people would take note. If I would have died or been beaten to a pulp people would haved care. Very Sad. I am very sad!


Victoria Placeo

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