Thursday, December 11, 2008

Dreams and Nightmaresafter the Rape

I have had many nightmares recalling the rape. At times it is a total reenactment other times it is just a violent dream with bits and pieces of the organism and the acts that took place.

The interesting part and disturbing are the dreams of the organism. I will use my last nights dream as an example.

The organism were talking with one another calmly, almost as if we were good friends. The organism was telling me why it did what it did. It stated that since we had been dating ( I dated the organism and broke up with it about a week before it broke in.) and we had had sex before that it was difficult for it to be sure if I was being serious about saying no. This was a lengthy part of the dream but over and over it went back to since we were dating before it could not differentiate if I was serious.

I was kind to the organism, empathizing from where it was coming from. I started to believe in my dream that it was a mistake and the organism didn't mean to do what it did.

Then my dream flashed to certain family and friends who were criticizing me for even speaking to the organism. I felt very hurt by this and was thinking in my dream that I was just trying to be a good person.

The dream then flashed back to the organism and I speaking about its misconception of me saying no. Suddenly I changed. I got loud and said to the organism" a person does not kick in someones door, bite them to the point of scarring and hold there head in place when they are screaming for help."

After I stated this the organism looked remorseful, guilty, and could not justify those actions. and then I woke up.

People look at dreams many ways. My interpretation is this:

In general I don't like to dislike anyone, I want to see the best in people. I feel an element of guilt because the organism is in prison. Rationally I know it belongs there, but emotionally I feel as if it is my fault it is there.

I did date the organism and I did love it. I was not in love with it, I am only in love with one person, but none the less I loved and cared for the organism. I cared enough that a month before the rape I actually three-way called the organism to the doctor because it was sick and it was not going to call on its own.

The change in mood and assertiveness, is me trying to take back the control, putting it on the organisms shoulders, and justifying the fact that what the organism did was wrong.

As far as friends and family go. I believe that comes from my support group, which are few. They mean no harm, but they dislike my family and friends who have not been around for me. They really don't even know them. Sadly to say I believe they have that right. Shocked by the lack of support through all of this, in their minds I believe they wonder why I would even go on loving and being there for those who are not there for me.

The nightmares and dreams haunt me the entire next day and sometimes for weeks. I guess the only positive spin I can put on it is that maybe my dreams are just trying to work things out in my brain.


Victoria Placeo

No comments:

Post a Comment