Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Holidays after Rape

I never really went into how my thanksgiving went, but now that is gone so I will just focus on now.

Today is Christmas Eve. I traveled to my hometown Monday for this holiday. All month I was debating on going or not going. I love my family very much, but with the lack of communication with them, the idea of spending time with them brought many thoughts and feelings.

Feelings of anxiety, avoidance, etc. I am here now and I have been exhausted ever since my arrival. I have had a roller coaster of anger, sadness, stress, and extreme fatigue. Yesterday, I realized that I would rather be alone.

The holidays always add some element of stress each year to most, whether its family , driving, or whatever. I must say that this feeling is much, much different. I feel silent, nothing to say, soooo very tired. I think to myself it must be depression but I don't know. It could be the cold weather.

As I said I love my family, but being around them brings to many negative feelings to me. Although they do not acknowledge (or ever have) my incident or symptoms, I don't think it is all that.

Back when the rape and legal proceedings occurred, they weren't there to much and did not call much. As I have posted in the past at times words were exchanged from both ends that were not very nice.

Because of this I developed a mindset that I did not have a family anymore and surprisingly enough it worked. It brought me tremendous relief. Now that I am here I do not feel as if they are family, perhaps friends maybe. And at this point not the positive friends I want around.

That's all I really have to say now. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!



Victoria Placeo

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