Sunday, December 28, 2008

My 1st Christmas After the Rape

I started this post with the line " I'm going to try and not be negative" then I realized this is my blog, Christmas was hard, and I'm going to share it.

If anyone cares not to read it that is their choice. However, I write this for one main reason. Survivors of rape, sexual assault, or any violent crime, may someday be searching for answers. If my one post about how the holidays after rape, helps someone, that's enough for me.

I didn't really touch on my first thanksgiving but it was not the best either. I went into Christmas mentally prepared I thought, knowing what my family is like in regards to what happened. Not prepared enough, I'm afraid.

In my families eyes I believe it is easier for them to pretend it did not happen. It is not talked about, I am not asked how I am doing in regards to it, etc.

Now, I am not saying they need to coddle me. In fact, I believe that would be the worst thing for me or any victim. Recognizing it did happen, and recognizing there are repercussions is different.

My Christmas:

I traveled to my hometown on Monday the 22, I was tired the whole ride down and really wanted to just come back to where I was staying.

My sister got engaged on the 21st and that was the main talk. As it should be, but it is so hard to be happy for someone who has ignored your needs in a horrendous time. I did my best and I faked it tilled I made it. Don't know if I did make it, but oh well.

My other sisters birthday was on the 21st as well, so on the 23rd the family had planned to go out to eat. Yeah out to eat, 2 days before Christmas, you could imagine my thrill of dealing with all the people.

Due to my therapists advice, she stated that I did not have to do anything I did not want to at this time. My job now was to take care of me. What did I do, I met the family at the house, decided to drive myself, which I received a death look for, and went to the restaurant. It was an hour wait with tons of people, uncomfortable, yes to say the least!

On Christmas eve, I went to my parents house and did the usual, ate, open one present, and drank. Comments were made in joking matter. My engaged sister had a scratch on her face, my other sister asked how she got it. The reply " Boyfriend got mad" and laughter. Not funny, I'm right here.

A joke was made about pedifore (cakes). Someone called them pedophiles and referred to another treat as molestees. I laughed thought it was funny and then realized how unfunny it really was.

There was more, the loudness, the slams, all made in jest but just not funny.

The Results:

-I was extremely fatigued the entire visit
-I was hurt numerous times throughout the entire visit ( I don't believe intentionally)
-My disassociation happened often. I would go away, aware of it, hearing everyone, but it was so comfortable not to be in the present with them, that I stayed until addressed by a attendee at the house
-I wanted to leave, could care less about the presents and being around family
-I wanted to be alone
-I felt no joy, no matter how hard I tryed to look at the positive

Bottom line:

Holidays are not the same thus far. They are just another day, nothing to look forward to and I would rather not participate.

What I learned:

-I have to take care of me now no matter whom I offend.
-I cannot be around people , family included, that expect me to be a certain way. I just don't care about their needs over mine, nor should I.
-Holidays are not about the presents, festivities, it is who you are with.
-I believe that everyday should be a holiday, at least treated as one. Don't look at the holiday as something to look forward to but everyday!

I hope you have a Happy Holiday Season!



Victoria Placeo

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