Monday, January 26, 2009

After Effects of EMDR Session

I had another EMDR session and this time it was very different.

We started with a memory from childhood. Now it was not a pleasant memory, however when I think about it , it never really bothers me.

I will nutshell it for you......... I was for or five years of age and a male babysitter took me into the bathroom, exposed himself, and tried to get me to play a game. I did not want to and tried to get out of the bathroom and few times, I did, and I hid till my parents came home.

In this session we started with this memory, I don't have a clear understanding of why we start back so far, but we do.

I began to picture it and she would do repeating back and forth eye movements while I recalled the event. She would stop and ask if I noticed anything. I noticed a sense of panic, and a repeating cry that "I want my Daddy", also I felt like I was going to get in trouble.

She then directed me to focus on that feeling and did sets of eye movements again. I felt guilty, the anxiety lessened and I still heard "I want my Daddy".

Before I go on my therapist did advise me that many memories would pop up and she described them like at train going by. One would be there then another and another. She also said that some of the memories could evoke strong emotions, which they did.

As I began to focus on the sets again it went from the incident with the babysitter automatically to the rape. I began to feel fear, my eyes welled with tears and I could see the organism kicking in the door. Although I was in bed when that occurred, I still picture what it must have looked like.

I started to panic, and began tapping on my legs, not because I was advised to, just because it was something else to focus on.

When she asked what I felt or saw, I explained, she told me to take a deep breathe and she continued. It worsened, I was tearing up, I saw myself hiding in the bathroom (that is where I hid after the rape, because I had no front door to close) and I heard myself saying "I want my Daddy."

The odd thing is that after the rape I don't recall getting to the bathroom, being in it, or the 911 call. All I could remember was one of the police officers faces.

My therapists continued with the sets and I saw that big face of the officer trying to get me out of the bathroom. It was huge in my mind, just like the babysitters male organ was huge in my mind.

I then flashed to the ER and remember the callous things that were said and the police officer pressing charges. When she asked me what I saw or felt I told her, and profanity was involved. The basis was "What do you mean you pressed charges (the officer) I thought that was my choice.

Many more memories flashed and if any cares to know they can email me. But it did move like a train, very quickly, it was like one memory was attached to another.

I have not been the same since that session, I can't sleep, I see the organisms face when I close my eyes and even sometimes while they are open. I feel much more unmotivated, depressed, and jumpy.

The therapist did warn me that some memories would be brought to the forefront, I did not know it would get this bad.

I am not quitting though, I will do it again the next session and keep you updated.


Victoria Placeo

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