Saturday, January 17, 2009

EMDR Second Session

My second session of doing EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, was in December and I am just getting around to it now.

I was not able to meet with my counselor since the first session until this week, so during this session, we just caught up on everything that had been going on.

Before my second session of EMDR I was suppose to list the 10 most traumatic memories from youngest to old. Going as far back as I remember and needless to say I came up with more then 10.

I really had no idea what the memories from childhood up to the rape had to do with my recovery, but did what I was told.

During the session we first went through my safe place , which was sitting by a waterfall. I blogged about this session in the past, but as a refresher I will cover what my counselor did. She repeated short sets of her moving her finger back and forth while I focused on them. I was suppose to visualize my safe place.

During the second session we chose one of my youngest memories of being in trouble with one of my parents. She asked me to describe what I felt. I remembered that I felt ashamed, guilty, very nervous, and that I was a bad girl. I believe I was 4 or 5 at the time.

My counselor then did the short movements with her fingers back and forth and I was to remember that event from my childhood.

As she did I began to feel panicky and nervous, I felt like crying. She stopped and asked what I felt and then told me to focus on that. The emotions got more intense, I felt extremely scared and had severe anxious feeling throughout my body. She stopped again, asked, and told me to focus again. The feelings this time were lessened, I could see myself in my mind hiding under the bed sleeping. It was like I had given up the fear.

Again the stop, explain, eye movements and focus. This next set I started to feel very anxious and scared, I knew I was about to get in trouble. She stopped and again we restarted, every set after that I felt calm, at ease.

She pointed to a chart between set and at the end. On this chart were numbers and faces of how I was feeling. 1to 10 , good to bad. These were not the exact words on the chart but I cannot recall them now.

When finished I was in shock for a few reasons.

First, I did not realize that I could feel panic and anxiety at such a young age.

Second, I was surprised that I felt calm and all emotions changed after the numerous sets.

Third, I did not realize how afraid of my family I really was at that age.

My counselor explained that at an age of 4 or 5 I could not just say " I feel anxious, or I am afraid of what you might do." Instead it comes out in anxiety.

Now as I write this I want to say I was never hurt by my parents nor did they treat me badly, they were okay parents. The way I felt was what I think to be the anticipation of what might happen.

I would also like to say that after just that one session my relationship with that parent has been different. I am not sure how to explain different, except that it is good.

If you want to find out more about EMDR you can go here: http://www.emdr.com/


Victoria Placeo

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