Monday, January 12, 2009

Personal Changes after Rape

Over the past couple days, I have been noticing how I react to people and their actions differently then I used to.

Of course, I realize that one might change after a trauma such as rape. However, it bothers me when I have these reactions automatically. Then the bother of it eats at me and I feel guilty, then I try to figure out why. All of this leads to a circle of guilt, confusion, and disappointment in myself.

I have two examples, the latter being more prominent in my life.

My first example occurred when I was talking to a friend on the phone. She asked what was up with me because she thought I was hyper.

Now that's an opinion of hers, a belief she had. Before the rape, that is exactly how I would have looked at it, but not now.

I asked why, she gave her reasons, and I had no idea I did see myself as hyper. I was searching for answers to give her. When we parted, I obsessed over and over in my mind why I was acting that way.

Before the rape I would have looked at this as "oh well so you think I'm hyper, I don't remember asking for your opinion." Now, I obsess and try to find answers to justify my each and every move.

The second example, I believe is much more important. I think it is a need that people take notice of , especially if they are involved with a victim. It is the need to be heard.

It is human nature to want to be listened to, taken seriously , and have people affirm what you are saying. Before the rape I recognized that in myself and as a human need.

Now when I am interrupted, blown off, or ignored it takes on a whole new meaning. What I say is not important, people don't listen because I am not important, I am not worth anything because what I have to say is worthless. These are the thoughts that go through my head.

I am no expert psych person, however I believe you don't have to be to realize where this is coming from.

During the rape, the organism, did not listen to my No's , my screams, to It my wants were not important.

My screams for help , if heard by people, were not listened to. No one called for help, no one cared. It is my belief, that people did hear me.

After not being heard, and violated because of it, having people listen and take me seriously is extremely important.

I realize that life if full of interruptions and people who do not care what you have to say and it is my responsibility to overcome this.

However, I believe it is extremely important that people understand that a victim of violent crime, rape, etc. needs to be heard and paid attention to while they are overcoming the trauma.


Victoria Placeo

No comments:

Post a Comment