Saturday, February 28, 2009

Suicide and Suicidal Thoughts After Rape

My last post stated that " I hate people", I do not hate people. Last night was the second severe suicidal nights I have had since the rape.

Of course, after losing everything, I have had many suicidal thoughts, but not were like the two nights I speak of now.

I actually reached rock bottom, and went to the extent of looking for pills and getting out knives. Now needless to say I am not dead:) But I must mention that I had never gotten that low.

In the past working with people who were suicidal what I understood was that they were in pain. I understood that it was not a matter of selfishness, due to the depth of pain. I never knew the real depth until now.

It is difficult to explain, but I will give it my best shot.............

The pain is agonizing, there is a broken heart and spirit. There are daggers shooting from the inside poking individually and then all at once. The daggers are pain, despair, hopelessness, no positives to existing, burden, gut wrenching loss of the love of life.

At the point I reached there was no consideration of others for two reasons as I can see it now.

One the agony is so intense that everything else falls to the wayside. Much like a migraine or a severe pain. When you have that physical pain not much that goes on around you matters. It is exactly the same.

The second reason is I feel and felt like I am a burden. If I was not a burden then my family would have been there more. If I was not a burden my friends would not have left and those that have stayed would ask how I was doing. In my mind, I believed that I would be doing them a favor. I thought that they would get over it quickly and may even look at my death as a relief.

When not in the depths, I can see these things. I know that loving is the answer to many problems. But in the depths, I am not in my right mind. I have recognized the feelings and will try to ward off such depths in the future but of course there is no guarantee.

I attribute my survival to my upbringing of being Catholic ( I am not Catholic anymore). Being brought up Catholic put the fear of hell in my deepest beliefs. It is my hope that in that depth, I will still remember hell.

Out of all of this, I wanted to get one point across...............

If someone tells you they are suicidal believe them regardless of what is comfortable to you. It is not about you. If they came to you they are in some way asking for help.

If they are an habitual in their suicide threats, they are still coming to you for help, or attention. I am not a psychologist but whether for attention or the real deal they need some sort of help.

The last thing you want is to know is that someone was suicidal, they succeeded, you knew about it........talk about guilt.

Please know in some way that they need you!


Victoria Placeo


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