Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Missing Life Before Rape

There are many topics I want to address daily, however this is one I have been thinking about for quite some time. My life before the rape.

I try to look at the way my life is now. The things I have learned about the justice system, family, friends, victims, etc. I do this in times of depression often and also daily. Trying to look at the things I have learned as positives. Things I would not have realized before the rape.

However, I still miss my life before the rape, daily. I was independent then, I had good credit, a job I liked, an apartment of my own, a new community to live in. I had a family with flaws as most, but they were there. I had friends, that I thought at that time would be there for me as I for them.

I had an income, interests, and at that time a small group of people I knew that I had fun with. A group that I thought was okay, nice, people in general.

I had the organism, if you do not recall I dated the organism. After we broke up we were friends and went out a couple times as friends. During those times I never saw anything that would lead me to believe the organism would ever hurt me.

I miss the family I knew before the rape. I miss the sister that used to call almost weekly. I miss the invitations I used to get if they were getting together. Don't get me wrong, I have been invited to some, but others I never was aware of. I miss the idea that I had a family through thick and thin. As I type this my disclaimer is I LOVE MY FAMILY, they are just not the family I remember.

I miss the friends I used to have. I have two left besides The Rock, who talk with me and contact me.

I do miss the town. The town was not just some place I decided to move to. It was a place where I had very fond memories of childhood. It is a summer town and I went there at least 2 to 3 times each summer since I was born.

I miss my job. I liked it, I liked most of my coworkers, and I loved helping people.

HERE IS THE KICKER..........I miss the organism. HOW CAN SHE SAY THAT........AWWWW!

I missed the person I thought I knew. I miss the times we went out and had a good time. I miss the times we spent together. What I saw before the breakup in the organism, was a fun person, with some issues. As far as I was concerned, who didn't have issues.

Now many Psych people (like myself,lol) would say that missing the organism would be a danger sign. I don't agree fully. I miss an organism I thought I knew and the fun times.

The organism was in the beginning of the abuse cycle I believe, so of course I would see the good sides of it.

Straight out I don't want communication with the organism nor do I like it, it does not mean I cannot miss the memories of what I thought was accurate.

There is much more I miss, but I believe this is a bit long-winded so I will stop for now.


At times I REALLY want my life back.


Victoria Placeo

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