Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Stuggles Of A Secondary Victim Of Rape

The Rock, secondary victim of rape, occasionally sends me posts, about what is going on in his head. It is hard and yet healthy for me to read these.

Friends and family of rape victims I assume have very similar problems with survivors of rape. So I publish what The Rock sends me with the hope it helps others. Here is the most recent post from The Rock:


Feeling unattractive and Expressing Love from the Secondary Survivor

I’ll start by saying that I have no psychological experience/training. Victoria has often said that she feels unattractive. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Victoria is a wonderful beautiful strong woman. These feelings of being unattractive do creep into her mind though. What can we, as secondary survivors, do to help with these feelings? It’s easy for us to tell our loved ones that they are beautiful; I do every day with Victoria. My concern is that constantly doing this makes it into less of what I think, which I certainly do, and more into just an automatic phrase when I come home. I’ve struggled a lot with how to approach this in such a manner to let her know how attractive that I think she is, but also not to express it in a way that makes her think that all she is to me is beautiful with nothing more going on for her. As secondary survivors, there is a fine line we walk with our loved ones. I love Victoria for who she is, but sometimes it seems to me that I can only express it is with a hug or kiss beyond the words themselves. It is a tough thing when our loved one does not want contact when we feel that the contact would help. I ask you all to be aware of this and handle it in a way that is best for your loved one.

-The Rock

From a survivor standpoint, I can see how The Rock is trying to reach out with physical hugs etc. to show his support and care. At times I welcome them at others, I get angry and state things like "is that all I am" or " what don't you get about me not wanting to be touched."

Although it hurts me to hear The Rock struggle with me but I understand. One main thing I want to mention about this message from The Rock.

I CAN SEE IT AS AN ISSUE FOR ANY FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER OF A RAPE VICTIM. BUT AS A VICTIM THE EMOTIONAL SIDE AUTOMATICALLY REACTED AND THOUGHT "I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE ROCK, I CANT EVEN FUNCTION AND FEEL LIKE A NORMAL WOMEN."

Now I realize that is a complete emotional reaction, but just as The Rock advised secondary victims of " being aware." I also advise to be aware that I believe survivors in there early healing times or longer react emotionally instantly.


Victoria Placeo

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