Thursday, April 23, 2009

Flashbacks and Letting Go After Rape

As I have written in previous posts, I have been having some health issues. I am sure in the documentation of rape trauma syndrome or post traumatic stress syndrome that this may be a side effect. However, I could just be sick:)

Onto the point.......yesterday I had to go to the doctor, they then sent me to the hospital......not again. I was panicked, not so much from the memories of being in the hospital before, but for the illness. They thought it might be an appendicitis.

The Rock was driving me to the hospital. Out of no where I was terrified. I did not want to go to another hospital. The poor Rock had to calm me the whole way there. I did calm down when I got there, but still had a great sense of unease.

Then they took me into the CT room .........they put me on the table and I broke.

My heart started to speed up, I got extremely hot, tears started pouring out of my eyes, and there I was looking up at the ceiling of a hospital again.

I was not going to tell anyone what happened to me, but in my anxiety and fear I told both the radiology techs and apologized.........WHAT? Yes, I did apologize. I felt bad that they had to put up with my fear....perhaps I need to work through more....ya think?

With this particular CT Scan I had to have things put where they should not be, and that is exactly what happened during the rape. Memories came flooding back, tears streamed, and all the pain resurfaced.

Logically, I knew that I was safe, but pictures and memories flooded my mind.

And then, the most wonderful thing happened........I let go.......I think maybe I went numb. However, it felt so good. I did not care what happened then or if I was going to have to have surgery, I just did not care. It was one of the best feelings I have had in a long time.

I believe some Psych. people might say that I numbed the pain and that it is not healthy, but I believe that I let go of what I was not in control of.

I am going to try an master letting go of the control and of course I will keep you posted.

Victoria Placeo

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