Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Day Before The Rape

May 17,2009

7:30 A.M.

Today I woke up very early, filled with anxiety. I don’t know if my body automatically knows what happened last year at this time or if I built myself up with each day that went by.

I feel panicky, nauseous, and on the verge of a panic attack. I am still out of town around people I do not know well, and I don’t want to have a breakdown.

I can’t believe last year at this time I still had everything. I had my job, my home, and my life. I had no clue what lied ahead less then 24 hours from now.

What shocks me is that I think of this and think I should have been more grateful of what I had. No that I have a different life and lived through the rape, I find I am not grateful now.

Although so far this day is not going so hot, I believe I have a lesson to be learned. Be grateful of what I have now, because it could all be taken away.

Maybe God had to bring me down to nothing to make me more aware of what I have now.

7:15 pm

I am trying to refocus my thoughts on different things but all day, every hour I am being reminded of what I was doing at each given time last year.

Last year it was Saturday and I was getting ready or already out to enjoy the weekend. I was just like many others going out to have a nice time after a week of work.

I remember things and fall into disgust. For example, I remember what I was wearing that night, jean capris and a black tank top, I still have them and wear them. That thought that I just realized today taints my mind. I cannot believe I didn’t recognize them. Of course I was not in those clothes when the rape occurred. Just for the night out.

Why do I bother with writing all of this, a few reasons really, I want to get it out, I realize that looking back at the past is never beneficial but the thoughts keep creeping back into my mind.

I also want others to know that they are not alone with haunted thoughts. No matter how many times I see the T.V. ads or see the websites that say you are not alone, you still feel very alone, at least I do.

Today is hard and I knew that it was coming. How could it be so hard if I knew it was coming? It isn’t even the anniversary date, just the day before.

My feelings are of fear, disgust, a wrenching cramp in my chest, dirty, and guilty. I will continue to try and refocus but the filth seems to surrounds me.

I always looked forward to nights out, now I barely want to leave the house.

Victoria Placeo




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