Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Depression and Rape Anniversary Dates

I have experienced some form of depression on and off throughout my life, but it was nothing I could not handle. I used skills to thwart the depression away. Those skills are not working now.

Some days I feel fair and others are like today, a great feeling of worthlessness. A fatigue, and indifference towards what goes on in the world around me. Just wanting to disassociate from the people and world around me.

I feel like I am walking in a fog, things are not clear to me, I am not focused. I asked my counselor, why I feel so bad knowing that the anniversary was coming up. She stated that because of the time of year whether I am conscious of it or not, by mind and body knows what happened.

I remember the rape, and thinking about it doesn't seem to cause much emotion. I can tell I am slightly or fully depressed, I am not taking care of myself the way I used to. I don't even care much about how I look.

I want to feel something, even if it is pain, this numbness is scaring me. When I asked my counselor if I would disassociate for good, she said that that would have happened by now.

I don't know what else to do. I am trying to stay busy, do physical things, take short naps, fill myself full of positive thoughts. I just feel numb, lifeless, and the worst thing about it is I feel okay feeling numb, and I know that is not good.

I don't think I even make sense anymore.


Victoria Placeo

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