Friday, May 1, 2009

Life Before and After Rape

It is May 1st and when I saw the date, I could not help but think, what was I doing last year at this time, just 17 days before the rape? I can't believe I made this far without cracking.

I honestly can't remember what I was doing on May 1st, but the memory of my old life is painful.

I was happy, I had my own home, I was excited to be in a new community, I liked my job, and I was just enjoying my new beginning.

There are triggers that bring on memories of my old life, certain songs, traveling back to the area of the rape ( my old home), smells, etc. I really miss my life.

I know what the critics say, you must look forward, you must look at the positive, you must see what you have now, and I agree. However, it hurts so much.

I loved my life, I miss the town, the places I visited, even my job (who misses a job)?

The way I was before the rape, I was upbeat, I had a much higher self-esteem, I used to dance daily. I don't dance anymore, I really don't feel upbeat enough, or pretty enough to dance.

As much as I have lost, I have gained some great things, but I really wish I could be back where I was and keep the good things I have gained.

I am lonely in this town, but moving is out of the question, I miss my independence, I miss what I thought my family and friends were like. I am disappointed by all the people who just shrugged this off. Since I made a living caring for people, I just don't understand.

My friends are far away, and now that I am better, not fully of course, I would like to socialize a little bit more, even in a work setting, but there is nothing available.

The positive is that now I have to learn to be happy no matter where I am at, with nothing to call my own except myself, that is a good thing.


Victoria Placeo

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