Monday, May 4, 2009

Low Self-Esteem After Rape

My self-esteem has never been this low. I have looked back over my life and remembered when I did not feel the best about myself. No time has compared to now.

I am currently in a different town, I have never been to. It is bigger then the town I am now residing in.

The whole trip here I felt awful, tired, bad thoughts such as I am ugly, fat,etc. I had a generalized fear and could not figure out why. I really do have to stop trying to figure things out.

Upon arriving here, I felt great discomfort. I did not want to go anywhere, I did not want to go inside anywhere, when we got food I wanted to go through the drive-thru.

This is or was not me, I used to go places by myself and feel completely confident. I almost always thought I looked decent and sometimes even great.

I am scared of things, I have general anxiety of places, people, events, and I know it is related to the rape. But when I think about the fear, I am not scared of someone hurting me again.

I went 30 years without anyone hurting me physically, why would I be scared of it now. Because one sick, organism, hurt me?

I want to feel better, and I do plenty of good self-talk. I try to think of things the way I want them to be. I try to imagine myself the way I want to look and feel. I do positive visualization.

Despite all of this, I am still haunted by an unprovoked fear and discomfort. I am trying not to fight it, I am trying to accept it. My hope is by accepting it, and going about "normal life" the fear with dissipate.

I hope it works, I am tired of feeling bad about myself, I am tired of being unhappy for no reason, I am tired of being scared.


Victoria Placeo

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