Saturday, June 6, 2009

Characteristics of My Rapist

One thing that has begun in the past two to three months is that I have been seeing my rapist face and having to double take individuals to make sure it is not the organism.

Logically I know that my rapist is put away in prison and is not out wandering around. However, men with similar features such as eyes, hair, or face structure, stop me in my tracks.

It is amazing how people look alike or how the imagination of a rape survivor works. I simply will be walking along, see a man, and freeze. I am embarrassed because I look back at the man several times. I look back to calm myself that it is not the organism and also see all the similar features.

I look in fear and in amazement when I check out these individuals. I honestly cannot tell if I am imagining the similarities or if the certain features are just triggers.

I really feel for rape survivors that do not know what their rapist looked like. It must be very fearful walking around wondering if anyone close in proximity is their rapist.

I hate to claim them that way but I just don't know how else to say it. I don't know if I will ever stop seeing my rapist, it is a part of my life that seems to be an unconscious reaction. My hope is one day all the unconscious parts will stop or perhaps the EMDR will make them less traumatic.

Victoria Placeo

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