Monday, June 15, 2009

Nightmares, Fear, and PTSD after Rape

I have not written much, it seems I am getting better and worse at the same time.

Noises are starting to bother me more then ever. They do not have to be loud just unexpected. I also had a nightmare last night, one of the more frightening ones I have had.

I dreamt that the organism was having a parole hearing and I had to go. I was fearful in the beginning but not horrified. Then the police officer that was helping me after the rape appeared in my dream. Apparently, he was part of the hearing.

Then it happened, there were only two policemen in the room and they left me. They left me alone with the organism. I was terrified, the organism came near me quickly. I wanted to run, but I could not I had to hold the organism back. I was able to, but no one came back, they left me.

I awoke at 3am and then again at 4am and then a few hours later.

I saw my therapist today, and she told me that my fear of the organisms release, which could be 1 to 3 years from now, could be the reason for the noises, dreams etc.

I have also been very depressed lately about my circumstances, I want to move but am unable to now. I think that may be adding to the symptoms. I want to distance myself from where the organism may be upon release.

I am fearful and have these worsening symptoms, but yet every time I am down or scared, I pick a bright side out of all of it.

That is why I say I am better and worse. I sit on my pity pot for a while and then realize that none of the negative feelings do me any good.

I am just scared sometimes,and as you can tell from my lack of blogging that I have become less interested in life.

I know it will pass, I hope it is soon, because this startle effect is scary, embarrassing, and feels like it is out of my control.


Victoria Placeo

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