Friday, September 18, 2009

The 16 Month Anniversary of Rape

You wouldn't think I would still remember what the happened on the 18th in May 0f 2008, but I still do. It is different now however, I know what happened and at times reflect on the rape and what I was doing after it happened, but it is not a traumatic.

There is so much to say on so many things that I feel on certain days and especially rape anniversary days. At times, since the one year anniversary date, the 18th would arrive and I would acknowledge the day and then go about my day. Remembering throughout the day that it was the rape anniversary, but not remembering ( or trying not to) what actually happened in the early morning hours and the days preceding it.

On other anniversary dates, like today, I feel not fear, but do feel guilt and loss. I am not the same person, in fact if I take the time to remember how I was before the rape, I would not even recognize myself today. This is not a good thing, at least in my mind.

Before the rape I was confident, thinner, prettier, I felt good about myself, I had confidence in my friends and family. Now I feel none of those things. I used to dance and have fun, now I go to work, and think my world into positivity.

I believe my thought processes of needing to feel grateful for what I have, take up alot of my mind. That is a good thing with less focus on the rape and the events that followed.

Today I feel like a melting pot of emotions. I feel grateful, loss, insignificant, guilt, and acceptance. It almost seems like it was not me that was raped and I just know the story of someone who was. When I try to remember the rape purposefully, the main emotion I get is a tremendous sense of loss. Loss of life (although I am alive), loss of family, loss a lot of loss.

Victoria Placeo

2 comments:

  1. God bless--I am sending positive thoughts your way.

    Sometimes, I feel like that, like it happened to someone else. Sometimes I feel like I am three different people--the before, during and after. I feel like there was this set path my before was going to take, only something ruined the road, and now I am trudging along a different path, and I am not quite sure where it will go. It's hard some days, but all you can do is keep walking.

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  2. Thank you for the comment, I too often feel like I am many different people, three to be exact. The way you describe the path is exactly the way I feel, we have much in common which I am sure other victims do as well.

    I wish you well and am sending you thoughts also!

    Victoria Placeo

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