Thursday, September 3, 2009

I Never Meant To Stop Writing

If you have not noticed I have not been writing hardly at all since the one year anniversary of the rape. I did not mean to stop and probably should not have. It was very theraputic.

I stopped because I entered a world of depression and confusion. This would have been the best time for me to blog due to one main reason. I started this blog for me but also for others who may be experiencing the pain and suffering that rape survivors do.

For that reason, blogging through my confusion would have been best, but I did not and I can't get the time back. So much as happened in my life relating to the rape and I intend to go back an cover the important aspects but for this post I will try an explain the deep confusion and loss of self I have been experiencing.

Since the one year anniversary, I have found that I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore. I was confused about who I was and where I am supposed to be. I had a great deal of trouble making decisions (which was never my strong suit anyway:).

I felt lost, alone, unattractive, and confused in almost every area of my life. Some of those areas I am still struggling with but I have found some great tools that have assisted me in healing and I hope I will be able to share them.

One great thing that did happen (which I am sure many will disagree with) is that I quit going to counseling. The main reason for that was because I had counseling in the town I was raped in and I did not want to go back there anymore.

However, since I have quit, my nightmares have lessened, my memories are there but not as vivid, and in general I feel a little better. I contribute this to not having to talk about it every week. I cannot take it back, I cannot change it, so why talk about it. That is my theory.

I am still struggling, but not as bad, well I guess it depends on the day. A quick update, I still live in the small town miles from the rape town, I still have the support from The Rock, and I still survived.


Victoria Placeo

2 comments:

  1. You survived, and you are so brave. It's okay to take time off, and it's okay to do things on your terms.

    My anniversaries are still tough. Writing has helped me, too--it ended up resulting in the Stand Up series I posted on my blog. It's triggering, even for me, but in a good way.

    Have you tried RAINN's online hotline? Sometimes it can help--I still use it every once and a while when I need help working through something.

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  2. Thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate it. I used to use Rainn's line but have not for awhile, I will try it again, thank you so much for the advice.

    Victoria Placeo

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