Sunday, September 20, 2009

Irrational Emotions Since The Rape

I have an overwhelming sadness today. It is like the little egg on the anti-depressant commercials followed by a cloud. I have learned with my new coping skills and things that I have read that it does no good to try and go back through your past and try to figure out why you feel bad. It is better to look forward and decide that you want to feel good. As well as that works sometimes I do not follow my own advice.

I believe I am sad today because tomorrow I work. I believe that my sadness is really not sadness at all but fear. Fear of the upcoming day. I thought about why I would feel fear or sadness about a job and I came up with a few possible reasons.

With a traditional job I "have" to be there, that perhaps in my mind is a not wanting to be controlled issue. Along with this fear I also "have" to be ruled by a boss and do what I am told. I think it is obvious why that may be an issue.

Finally, at work I am doing two jobs, the job I am there for and the job of controlling my mind. I have to stay mindful of when people touch me and realize they mean no harm. I have to keep bringing myself back to the present when the loud noises occur. Although, I have been doing these things quite well so far, I am exhausted which I know does not help with depression or fear.

These emotions are probably "normal" as my counselor would have said. However, it is frustrating to me that I have brought myself to this point of healing through counseling and other self-help techniques and I still have these little hangups.

I don't expect to be fully operational already, but perhaps I should put some expectations on myself. Perhaps I would achieve them quicker. One side of me wants to put those expectations on myself and the other wants to take things in stride.

I would love any one's opinion on this one:)



Victoria Placeo

2 comments:

  1. It sounds like you're doing everything that you can. Keep in mind, you are going thru a healing process. It will take time, but you will heal.
    God's Love,
    EJ

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  2. Thank you EJ for reading and for the kind comment, I will do my best!

    Victoria Placeo

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