Sunday, September 13, 2009

Working After Rape

As some may no and others may not, less then two months after the rape I was fired from my job while on medical leave. I did not receive unemployment, or anything really so I lived off my savings and had The Rocks help.

I started a job a week ago working with children. I decided to stay out of the mental health field which I was employed in before. I made this decision because in the mental health field I was working in there were usually violent outbursts and did not think I could take it.

In the job I am in now, I must say it is not easy and that is very discouraging for me. I have tremendous anxiety before and at work and it takes every ounce of energy I have.

This is or was not like me. Prior to the rape I had confidence. I had my insecurities like anyone else but now I feel like a child in an adults body. I am so disappointed in myself.

I am exhausted after a day of work but it is unlike before the rape. I can't think, remember things, or do much after the day is done. I am trying to stay positive, thinking things like this is just an adjustment phase. However in the back of my mind I feel something is wrong with me. That I will never have the confidence and lack of anxiety I used to have.

It has only been one week and I feel like giving up. At work there are loud noises, constant chatter, I feel so overstimulated. I cry everyday after work, however I will not give up.

Once again I feel remorse for any rape survivor who had troubles afterwards. I had no understanding until this happened and now I realize how it feels to be on the other end with no one else understanding.

It has been over a year and I am still having issues.


Victoria Placeo

2 comments:

  1. After a year, I had trouble. After two years, I had trouble. For a time, there was a serious chance that I would have to leave college--I had lost my scholarship, I couldn't sleep at night, and i had difficulty remembering and organizing information.

    I am not the person I was three years ago.

    I hated how much trouble I had. I hated feeling stupid because I couldn't remember things. But most of all, I hated how I felt like I could never match up to that person I was before.

    It fades, eventually, but it takes time. I had to rebuild myself little by little, and the shape that I am doesn't fill the same space, but that is okay.

    And I am confident that you will be okay, too. You are already so strong and brave, I admire you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I too have hope for the future.

    I have learned skills that have helped me and just when you think it is okay, something pops up.

    Your words about how strong and brave give me great hope and I am sincerely grateful. Thank you so much!


    Victoria Placeo

    ReplyDelete