Wednesday, October 14, 2009

First Restitution Check From Rapist

Yesterday I received the first restitution check from the rapist. I would have to say my feeling were mixed. I am not getting alot from him just the amount I had to pay for the door he kicked in when he broke in.

I guess I should feel lucky that I get anything at all. Many people do not even get a conviction. I am blessed that I did.

As I was saying I received the check yesterday. I had an instant uproar of emotions. I was of course glad to get money in the mail. Then within seconds, it dawned on me why I was getting it.

It did not make matters better that the rapist's name was on the check stub. Just a waterfall of memories came rushing back and I burst into tears. Why I was crying, I don't actually know.

It was not because I feared the rapist any longer, nor was it a flood of trigger memories. I think it was just a slap in the face realization that it did happen, and although it is over, I will still have things come up over and over again to remind me.

Instant memories that flooded my mind were images of the rapists face, the life that I lost, and events that proceeded the rape. Oddly enough I did not really have to many vivid memories of the rape.

The check was a small amount and the door did cost a bit so if I continue to receive checks it will be for months or even years. Upon that realization, I came to the conclusion that the checks were just one more thing that may be a reminder, and I better get used to it.

Money can not make up for what happened. I lost alot during and after the rape. Not only the the emotional and mental losses but thousands of dollars after job loss and other expenses.

Even with all that monetary loss, I begin to wonder if receiving the restitution for the door is worth it. A bit of money in exchange for a constant reminder? I am not quite sure if it is worth is.

As I said I do feel lucky that there was a conviction and that I received even some sort of restitution. However, in the long run the money cannot make up for the losses that I have been working so hard to overcome.


Victoria Placeo



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