Thursday, October 22, 2009

Hopelessness After The Rape

I am not about to say that all my current pain and depression is due to the rape. I have suffered from a bit of depression all my life. However, it is much worse then it was before the rape.

I am still functional, working, doing daily tasks, but I cry daily. I really don’t have a bad life. I just feel so alone, ugly, worthless, etc.

I know rationally there are good things going on in my life. I am not ugly, nor am I worthless. I feel like the little egg in the anti-depressant commercials. The cloud keeps following me.

This time of the year since the rape oddly enough reminds me more of the rapist and the rape then the actual rape anniversary date. At this time the year before the rape, I had just moved to the new town and was starting a new job.

I was in a place where I knew no one and was excited to start a new life. That was taken away within months. Perhaps I am not so depressed about the rap e as I am about the life I lost.

I know that moving forward and having forward thinking is my only choice. I have started using the self help tool that I used to get over my fear of people. With a bit of time I am sure it will help just like it did before.

In my past depressive times, of course I felt bad, but never this bad. Remembering a life I was so excited about is hard.

I am mad at myself for looking back, forward is the only obvious way to look. Looking back at losses will get me no where, but it feels so automatic.

Victoria Placeo


1 comment:

  1. You are so strong.

    I think that that is what I was most depressed about--losing everything that could have been. What happened is so grainy in my memory, the loss of control over my life is what hurt the most. My birthday hurt the most--I felt jipped. My former friends and i were going to have a 21st birthday bash, and it was all gone.

    But I started making new memories, happier ones filled with supportive friends and family. I think one of my happiest memories is the birthday I had the year after with a group of almost entirely new friends, several of them survivors itself.

    We make what we can out of life.

    ReplyDelete