Sunday, October 4, 2009

Loss After The Rape

I have stated, fear really is not a part of my life. I have overcome it using some great self-help tools. However, an extreme sense of loss still hovers over my life some days.

I know it does me no good to look back but there are situations that cause me to look back. It is almost like an automatic button in my mind. This was prompted from something that happened last night.

I visited my parents who live in the town where the rape occurred. When I first moved to that area just 8 months before the rape, I lived in their house before I got my own place.

Being there I had memories of when I lived there before. How excited I was to have moved to a new place to make new friends and to start a new job. It was there that I met what I now refer to as the rapist.

At the time I met him I would have never thought he had such a negative behavior in him. I looked out the window of my parents house last night and saw the traffic. I recalled when the rapist and I were friends and I would look out that same window and wonder if one of those cars was his coming to get me.

I felt the feelings I had when I lived there. I felt the self esteem I used to have, the joy of being in a new place, the independence. Then I brought myself back to now.

My now is not bad, but I felt that I was much stronger back then. If I step outside myself, I suppose from an outsider's perception I might be stronger now. It doesn't really matter I guess. The bottom line is that what is done is done and I need to focus on the present and future.


Victoria Placeo

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