Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Feeling Lost Since The Rape

I know I must have written about this before, however the area of feeling loss of identity seems to be getting worse. Also, the feeling of not knowing what I want is gone as well.

I know a few things for sure, I don't want to live here, it is to close to where the rape happened. I also know that I want to be with The Rock, besides that I am lost. I know that this is common amongst people in general and especially amongst rape or sexual assault survivors. However, even knowing that it does not make it any less difficult.

What makes it worse is that I know one answer to make things better. Knowing it and teaching your mind to do it is quite a different story. The answer is to look at what I have now, what I want my future to hold.

It is simple to see what I have now, however one forgets sometimes to be grateful for it. Looking towards the future is a way to make things better. Imagining all the good things you want for your future. However if you feel lost and are not quite sure what you want, how can you accomplish that?

I don't think there is a complete answer for loss of identity after rape. I think there are many and one must find the one that works for them. Since I know that present and future focus is very important, now all I have to do is soul search. I make it sound easy but it is not.

If feels that when everything that I thought I had or wanted was ripped away, that I no longer have the same desires. I don't know if that is actually true, or if I perceive it that way due to the fact that I had it and now it is gone.

What I do know is that in regards to the rape, my emotions still go up and down. In regards to my identity since the rape I am lost.

I will be more upbeat next time:)


Victoria Placeo

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