Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Horrible Flashback Over A Year After The Rape

Right after the rape occurred I went through months of vivid, and violent flashbacks. Since then they have calmed down, and I currently have been having what I like to call mini-flashbacks. Flashbacks that contain memories, and ignite the senses, but are still small enough that I can cope. I thought that the mini's were what I had to work through and the giant flashbacks in the past were over. Last Friday night that all changed.

The Rock and I were out, just having a nice time visiting with people and playing a little pool. Things were going fine and I felt fine. Then a song came on and The Rock and I began to dance, not crazy, just kind of swooping around the floor. The Rock went to dip me and boom I fell on my head. As funny as that sounds to me now that little fall ended up in a catastrophic night.

I must say that all the memories of who was where and what events happened in what order are foggy or not there at all. What I do recall is that moment that I landed on the floor I was surrounded by people all staring down at me, blurred voices of if I was okay, and someone holding my head down. That was all it took to put me into a world of vivid and frighting memories.

This is what I remember from the external world, those outside me, and the internal world, what was going on in my head.

As I said someone was holding my head down and people were all around me. I felt panic, the need for freedom, confusion, and dreaded fear. All of these emotions are similar to those I felt on the night of the rape.

I must have passed out for awhile because when my eyes opened again I was on a stretcher, with my head now strapped down. I was terrified, no one I saw looked the same, they were blurred people which led to more terror about who it was.

Pictures of the rape and rapist flooded my head as well as memories of the EMT's and nurses after the rape occurred. The more they held me down the more I remembered and the more I felt panicked. Again I must have passed out a bit because the next thing I knew I was at the hospital.

There I saw a nurse whom I knew but did not know why, she calmed me a bit. I know now that unfortunately that nurse was one of my preschool students mother. I heard The Rock at times during this event but was unsure where he was and if he was real.

I saw men, I am not sure if they were doctors or EMT's but it did not matter, I did not know them, and I was restrained. Again I must have gone out because when I awoke I was in the ambulance with again strangers, strapped down, and going 30 miles to the nearest hospital that had a cat scan ( I did not know that then but I know that now).

Again I was panicked, I made it to the hospital and then can the dreaded ct scan. There were unidentified men all around, I could not move, my face was drenched with tears, and I was scared.

Pictures of the rape, the rapist, police cars, ambulances, police, and medics filled my mind. I remember calling for my Dad, but at the time I did not know why, perhaps out of fear. I called for The Rock as well but again unsure why.

I began to calm after the cat scan and began to realize that I was safe even though I did not know the people or why I was there. It was one of the most terrifying flashbacks I have had since the rape.

I ended up getting back to my home via a police car and was exhausted. I must say it was the best I had slept in along time. Now that it is over I have trouble understanding how so much time has gone by and such a huge flashback could occur.

I feel discouraged and almost damaged due to this one flashback which I should have been used to since I have had so many in the past.

For the first time since the rape, I realized, from this event, that I was embarrassed of being raped. I thought of all the people who knew what happened and wondered how many of them knew I was raped. I was wondering how I was ever going to face anyone in this town again.

I am shocked that a knock to the head and then being surrounded by people could put me into such a horrible experience.

I realize it is over now but the damage of feeling embarrassed because I was raped and that I had such a relapse causes me great concern.


Victoria Placeo

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