Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I Have Reached The Bottom Of The Barrel

It has been once again quite some time since I have posted, not because I did not have alot to say about what has been going on with me, the rape issues, etc. I have fallen into a bad place.

I have been in a depression and while some (therapists) seem to think it has to do with the rape, others think maybe not so much. What I do know is that I have never felt this bad and I have had many memories of my life before the rape that has caused great mourning.

I intend to start blogging again about what is happening in regards to myself, the rapist, etc. because although the rape is over the after effects, not just memories, seem to be wreaking havoc on my life.

I know I am not alone and there are many who suffer from being raped for years after. I was going to stop blogging as I believe I had written in the past, however, keeping a ongoing journal of all that occurs after rape I believe is an important thing.

The depression I have been experiencing lately has really taken hold and I have let it consume me. If I could shake it or use some better skills I probably would have written more.

I am starting anew with this blog, hoping to help others out there as well as myself with the new skills I am learning and the new legalities of the rape and rapist that have come up.

This was really meant to just touch base with anyone who reads this and to let them know I am here for me, for you, for ongoing knowledge of life after rape. I intend to have a series of posts coming up that of the events that have occurred since my last post. They will be up soon, however I may be moving the blog and that will be also mentioned if I decide to do so.

I hope all it well with all of you and I will get on the stick and share what has happened in the past months.

Victoria Placeo

Friday, July 23, 2010

Family Of A Rape Victim

I don’t like to use the word victim to often, I see myself and others as survivors, however, it just seemed fitting here. In past posts I have focused on my family relations since the rape and how they have been less then supportive.

I intend in this post to focus once again on secondary victims of rape such as families with an open mind, but a word of caution for those secondary victims. That word of caution is don’t pretend it did not happen, or don’t forget it.

When I say I will write with an open mind, I am mostly referring to just my family as that is my only point of reference.

My family pretends nothing happened, they have even made rape jokes around me. These jokes were not directed at me, and when they realized what they were doing they stopped, but none the less, it was wrong.

The only way I can stay open minded about my family in regards to the rape, is that it is my hope that they just did not know and still don’t know how to deal with a rape survivor.

While it is true, one should not be sheltered and enabled for the rest of their life because they were raped, that does not mean that it should be forgotten and the survivors feeling should not be kept in mind.

For example, right now as I have written in past posts, I am having an extremely hard time with anxiety and panic. My therapists believe it is due to the rape, and it could be. While I should not be enabled my family should try to understand that perhaps life is not the same for me anymore and that I need to cope differently. It was my hope that they would realize this, but my family doesn’t work that way.

They are good people, they just don’t like to deal with the bad. I come from a well off family and perhaps it is a tarnish on their fun lifestyle that I was raped. I really don’t know what they are thinking nor do I think I will ever.

I just wish they would realize some things but I don’t think anything to do with the rape dawns on them, perhaps it is because it did not happen to them.

My one main wish is that my parents will realize that I won’t be coming to visit them where they live for a quite some time when the organism is released. If I am correct, it will move back to where the rape occurred, which is where my family lives.

I have gone on long enough but if you are a secondary survivor of a rape victim please remember, don’t forget they were raped, because they never will.


Victoria Placeo


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Shock After Rape

I recall the shock I had in the days and months following the rape. However, when speaking with my counselor the other day, she suggested that perhaps I was still in shock on and after the year anniversary.

As some might recall, I wrote a post entitled “Anxiety and Panic After Rape. In that post I discuss what a hard time I am having right now with anxiety and panic attacks.

I am having much harder time since the second anniversary of the rape with mental health issues then I was during the first year. For this reason my counselor made that suggestion that I may still be in shock.

I have thought about this suggestion at length, and I am not sure if my anxiety and panic has gotten worse because of the rape or not. Most of me leans towards the idea that it is not the rape that is causing the problems, but then I wonder what is?

I suppose it is possible that I was so busy with coping with the rape, the deposition, the legal matters, etc. that I did not have time to heal properly and now my mind is vomiting out everything that it did not have a chance to in the past.

I don’t know if I will actually ever know why I am having such a hard time now. What I do know is that it is extremely hard to get back on my feet and I was better off a year ago.

Victoria Placeo

Thursday, July 15, 2010

It Has Been Two Years – Why Do I Keep Blogging?

While many would say, let go of the blogging it is a constant reminder. I disagree to some extent. I agree that I think of the rape when posting, but I realize that there are so many people out there going through the same things I am or have. I also realize that there is much to come in my life regarding the rape, such as the organism’s discharge from prison and I have gone this far why not keep going.

These reasons although good ones are not the reason I am writing this post. Another reason I have to keep posting are the great people who took the time to comfort me, make suggestions, or just reach out.

Today I am talking about Dr. Joe James which I had received an email from just yesterday. Dr. James has a few sites I would like to mention which I believe are important not only for survivors but for anyone who has anger management issues.

As a survivor I realize how the organism could have benefitted from anger management courses and how survivors of rape could as well, if there symptoms resulted in anger.

These sites include www.angermanagement.net and www.courtorderedangermanagement.com. Both I think are great sites, as far as I reviewed them and believe they could help many.

You can find these sites in the future in the sidebar of my site. Also, if anyone has additional sites that would be of benefit to survivors, please let me know about them and I would be glad to share them.

Again, I would like to thank Dr. Joe James for reaching out and sharing his sites with me and hope they help someone out there.

Victoria Placeo


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Anxiety and Panic After Rape

It has been a long time since I have posted anything here and much has happened during that time. I got sick, hospitalized, and have developed some mental issues since the second anniversary of the rape.

To start, in May of this year I was hospitalized for meningitis, as some might recall the anniversary of my rape was May 18th. After the hospitalization, I began to develop mental issues that I used to struggle with in my teens.

The main mental issues is anxiety and panic attacks. I have had both for years prior to the rape, but now they have become unmanageable. For awhile, I stayed in the house most of the time.

Due to these attacks, I lost hours at work, but did not get fired. I will be subbing in if they need me, and if I can handle it.

Since the meningitis occurred in early May and the second anniversary of the rape occurred in late May, my mind has not been the same. The doctor’s believe that due to the time of year and the meningitis combined that , that is why my anxiety has increased.

I personally think the rape anniversary has nothing to do with it. However, I am not an expert in how one handles PTSD after rape, so I suppose it is possible that the anniversary of the rape could have triggered something.

This anxiety and panic is nothing at all like I have experienced in the past. It is much more intense and unmanageable. I have troubles leaving the house, going into stores, etc. I have no idea what I am afraid of, I can’t seem to pinpoint anything.

I have tried to think of what associated with the rape, could cause me to have such attacks. I don’t feel afraid of people, I don’t believe anyone is out to get me. Yet still I have such issues with anxiety and panic.

I have stopped doing EMDR, which I am considering getting back into, and am now seeing a therapist that is going to assist me with learning cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, hopefully that will help.

I have also been working through different books that assist with calming ones self and focusing on the now, but nothing seems to work. I am struggling badly and I never would have thought that such symptoms from the rape would occur so long after the rape.

So in summary, I got sick, I lost hours at work, I am suffering from severe anxiety, and I don’t know how to fix it. Since this may be associated with the rape, I will continue to write posts.

I am writing for anyone who may be or has gone through the same things, perhaps I can help them or they can help me with ideas.


Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Self-Image Before and After Rape

I have been having a very difficult time lately, due to the fact that I realize the way I used to be before the rape is nothing in comparison to what I am now. Before the rape there were so many differences in my personality, my actions, my self-esteem.

It is odd for me to think that such an event such as a rape, something I did not cause, could still effect me in such a way. I know I did nothing to cause the rape, and I know the rapist was a sick person. Despite knowing all this I feel so much different then before and most of the time not in a positive way.

Here is a short list of the different ways I look at myself now then the way I used to view myself:

- I was more confident
- I hardly ever compared myself to others
- I thought I was worthwhile, helping people
- I thought I was pretty, not arrogantly so , but I could hold my own
- I enjoyed going out and felt confident when I did
- I used to dance, I used to dance while out and in my home
- I didn’t care as much what people thought

Now:

- I don’t dance
- I think constantly about how I look
- I feel I contribute nothing to anyone
- I don’t enjoy people or going out as much
- I feel ugly
- I am not very happy


There is more, but I wanted a short list for a couple reasons. First, to not be such a downer. Secondly, and more importantly, to show others who may have been raped or sexually assaulted that they are not alone. If they experience these feelings, even if it is years after the event, they are not alone.

By the way I am going back to counseling next week, I think I need it:)


Victoria Placeo

Thursday, January 7, 2010

To Remind Me To Be Grateful - 99 Balloons

This is a definite must watch, I have posted my immediate thoughts that I had after I watched the video, it is only six minutes and well worth watching until the end:




I am sorry for projecting my anger

I am sorry for not being grateful for the little things

I am sorry for looking at the bad and not focusing on the good

And Most Of All I Am Sorry For Not Being Grateful and Happy That I Lived And Am Alive



Victoria Placeo


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

RASA Survivors - Rape Forum and Social Network Is Back

The social network created by The Rock and I was offline for awhile but it is back. I got a few emails requesting where it was, so I figured I would bring it back.

The Social Network is called RASA Survivors and can be found at http://www.rasasurvivors.com. RASA stands for Rape and Sexual Assault and all survivors are welcome. The site is monitored and an individual must be approved before they will have access to the site. There is also a strict set of guidelines for being a member.

Although these precautions have been taken, it is also possible for some creep to sneak their way into the site so if any members experience anything negative they are to contact me or admin.

The site is a social network as I said, but also contains options to blog, a forum, and gift giving as well. It is my hope that individuals who have survived such traumatic experiences such as rape or sexual assault, will be able to find friendship with others.

An additional note, the site may be changing in the upcoming year so be on the watch for new features or perhaps a new site altogether.

Once again RASA Survivors can be found at http://www.rasasurvivors.com

Victoria Placeo

Friday, January 1, 2010

2010 I Begin Again - A Year Of Hope

I must admit I have had things to say since my last post, but I have been going through a depression I believe. I had lost enjoyment in things and had a general feeling of numbness, and hopelessness. However, I have decided to look at this New Year as a new beginning.

I have looked through past posts and realized how down I have been, and patterns that I have repeated over and over. Patterns such as drinking alcohol, which just leads me to bad dreams, and flashbacks. Although, I have been healing this entire time, I believe it is time for me to take a firmer grasp on the healing process.

That is not to say that I will not express pain or any other negative event on this blog. The entire intention of this blog is to share with others pain, healing, hope, etc. that occur after a rape or sexual assault.

It would be false not to share the bad times as well as the good. I have noticed however, that I mention the bad times more then the good. This may be part of my problem, focusing more on the bad then on the good.

For this New Year
I intend put into practice what I have learned in counseling and from books much more forcefully then I have in the past.

I intend to seek counseling again not only for the rape but for the depression I have had.

I plan on focusing more on what I have then what I do not

I intend to focus on the present and not worry about the future ( such as the rapist's release)

Finally, and I believe most importantly, I am going to give thanks each day that I am alive, because in reality he could have killed me. It is very interesting how I could live through something so violent and forget to be grateful that I am alive.

These are my intentions for 2010 and beyond. There may be bumps in the road that I will express but there are also joys that I have had that I have not expressed in the past.

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes to remember in this New Year:

"it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln


Happy New Year


Victoria Placeo