Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Self-Image Before and After Rape

I have been having a very difficult time lately, due to the fact that I realize the way I used to be before the rape is nothing in comparison to what I am now. Before the rape there were so many differences in my personality, my actions, my self-esteem.

It is odd for me to think that such an event such as a rape, something I did not cause, could still effect me in such a way. I know I did nothing to cause the rape, and I know the rapist was a sick person. Despite knowing all this I feel so much different then before and most of the time not in a positive way.

Here is a short list of the different ways I look at myself now then the way I used to view myself:

- I was more confident
- I hardly ever compared myself to others
- I thought I was worthwhile, helping people
- I thought I was pretty, not arrogantly so , but I could hold my own
- I enjoyed going out and felt confident when I did
- I used to dance, I used to dance while out and in my home
- I didn’t care as much what people thought

Now:

- I don’t dance
- I think constantly about how I look
- I feel I contribute nothing to anyone
- I don’t enjoy people or going out as much
- I feel ugly
- I am not very happy


There is more, but I wanted a short list for a couple reasons. First, to not be such a downer. Secondly, and more importantly, to show others who may have been raped or sexually assaulted that they are not alone. If they experience these feelings, even if it is years after the event, they are not alone.

By the way I am going back to counseling next week, I think I need it:)


Victoria Placeo

4 comments:

  1. It's imperative that we take a closer look at the violence against women here in the United States and take care of the victims that are left behind. More crime a heaped upon the victim when their cries for help in recovery fall on deaf and insensitive ears.

    Please share this story of a very brave woman who is doing her best to recover and help her children recover from a violent and horrible attack. http://helpingchildrenincrisis.org/

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  2. Hello Victoria.
    Bumped on your blog out of a Chill Out Music research (???!!!), been reading each and everyone of your posts since this morning... truely going trough mixed feelings from a blind hate for the organism to sadness to hope, etc...
    I know it sounds silly but somehow I feel just so sorry being from the same gender than that organism... Anyways, I know that sounds silly too but damn' ! you've got to fight ! Don't let "it" get any more importance in your life, this piece of s**t is not worthy of it.
    Hell, I don't know what to say to send you some warm encouragements, some of the good vibes I'd like you to receive...
    Checked on The Rock link to help you with a small donation (I'm far from wealthy to tell the truth and I live in an Asian country where the local money isn't really what you'd call a strong one... but still...) thing is the delay on this page is over. Haven't seen any other a way to donate. I might try to get in touch by other ways.
    Anyways, again Victoria: keep fighting. You are fantastic. You are beautiful, really !!
    Take good good care of yourself.

    (sorry for my English by the way)

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  3. Nicole Allwein-OrtizMarch 31, 2010 at 11:06 AM

    It is not easy to encounter any ways of sexual violence. It will take time to heal and the process is not easy. I pray for anyone going through such a time to be patient and seek counseling.

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  4. I was raped two years ago by a man I was dating. I had never had sex before and now, two years later, I still can't seem to have a healthy relationship with a man. To me, it seems that there is a trend now just to hook up and guys don't care if they are touching you in ways that are inappropriate on the first date. Two years after I was raped, I went out with a man who kept trying to put my hand in his crotch on the first date. I DID NOTHING TO ENCOURAGE THIS.

    It has been awful for me. I used to believe in true love but now I think all men are a bunch of selfish, ego-centered slugs who are only interested in having sex and not actually interested in learning about me.

    I have become suicidal at points. I am just a nice girl, who was looking for true love. Now I don't know who I am. I don't even feel like I have control over situations with men. I feel like a hollow shell, like my ability to love freely and openly was taken from me. And yes, sometimes I do want to die.

    I don't know what else to say. I am still so sad and I don't think I can trust anyone. And I HATE the man that started this downward spiral. I HATE HIM.

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