Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I Have Reached The Bottom Of The Barrel

It has been once again quite some time since I have posted, not because I did not have alot to say about what has been going on with me, the rape issues, etc. I have fallen into a bad place.

I have been in a depression and while some (therapists) seem to think it has to do with the rape, others think maybe not so much. What I do know is that I have never felt this bad and I have had many memories of my life before the rape that has caused great mourning.

I intend to start blogging again about what is happening in regards to myself, the rapist, etc. because although the rape is over the after effects, not just memories, seem to be wreaking havoc on my life.

I know I am not alone and there are many who suffer from being raped for years after. I was going to stop blogging as I believe I had written in the past, however, keeping a ongoing journal of all that occurs after rape I believe is an important thing.

The depression I have been experiencing lately has really taken hold and I have let it consume me. If I could shake it or use some better skills I probably would have written more.

I am starting anew with this blog, hoping to help others out there as well as myself with the new skills I am learning and the new legalities of the rape and rapist that have come up.

This was really meant to just touch base with anyone who reads this and to let them know I am here for me, for you, for ongoing knowledge of life after rape. I intend to have a series of posts coming up that of the events that have occurred since my last post. They will be up soon, however I may be moving the blog and that will be also mentioned if I decide to do so.

I hope all it well with all of you and I will get on the stick and share what has happened in the past months.

Victoria Placeo

6 comments:

  1. I would like to know more about your predicament, please email me. awkwardkitty@gmail.com

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  2. Have you thought about martial arts? Weapons training? Words, thoughts, reflections, counseling, forgiveness, prayer and meditation have their place. Self defense and situational awareness training are the other leg that I don't see in your writings. I recommend Model Mugging, though it's not in every area. There are a variety of martial arts that will put into your body a method to fight back and new grooves in your brain about your personal power. Target practice with a pistol or rifle is great for visualization, and gives you a kinesthetic "good feeling" in your muscles when you are done.

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  3. I found you on another site and clicked the link here. I was raped a few days after you wrote this. It is still really fresh and I am really just now facing what happened. I finally broke down and told a friend what had happened halloween night because the rapist, who knows my friends was trying to invite himself on our night out. I freaked out and really just couldn't contain my panic. I had to tell someone. Until that time, I just blamed myself and had not accepted the fact that it was rape. Not until the friend I told, named it. I had known my rapist most of my life. Our parents were friends before we were ever born. He proclaimed his love for me a week before the incident and even said he knew I just saw him a a brother. Which I did, someone I trusted and loved as a brother. I could not believe what he did a week later and blamed myself for not fighting him off harder or doing something...anything to make him stop. He over powered me and took what he wanted. I started dating someone really great a few weeks after this happened. Someone who I liked for a long time. I told him what had happened and thought for sure he would bail. But he didn't. But now months later, he is freaked out and doesn't know how to process this. Honestly, I don't know what to tell him. I feel I haven't processed it yet. We've yet to have sex because he is worried about me. It's not that I haven't wanted to move forward with him, I so wanted to. But now, it's apparent I may have to let this great guy go for now so I can embrace and process this pain and anguish I have probably been trying to avoid in order to escape into this new relationship and go on with my life. It's clear I can not move forward until I deal with this. I hate every part about this. I hate the rapist making me feel like he's taken away an opportunity for happiness. I hate that after my police report I have to wait most likely a year to go to trial and get this behind me. I've had such a hard time in my career and financially these last few months. I can't seem to get anything going right in my life right now. I wish it would all just go away. I wish I could sleep peacefully and through the night. I wish I could go to sleep at night without hoping I won't wake up, crying at night and when I wake up. I hate feeling like I have no control over my life.

    Thank you for being here and sharing. I know you and I will get through this. Maybe together. I'm here for you too.

    Lili
    lilipenadyer@yahoo.com

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  4. This blog looks like it is going to be a big help to victims. So many feel that they are alone. I hope that you will be able to post more. You are doing a beautiful job.

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  5. I'm sorry to the poster of this blog as well as the commentor above - I'm not sure if you'll ever post again, but I wanted to share my story with you: http://normaltoeatpb.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-guess-he-was-friend.html

    It stays with you for so long. . .

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  6. Let Your Voice Be Heard

    Rape is NOT like Getting a Flat Tire! Demand Rep. Pete DeGraaf apologize.

    Demand that Kansas Representative Pete DeGraaf apologize to the victims/survivors of rape for his insensitive remarks.

    Sign our petition on Change.org

    http://www.change.org/petitions/rape-is-not-like-getting-a-flat-tire-demand-rep-pete-degraaf-apologize

    We believe that Kansas State Representative Peter DeGraaf should apologize for minimizing the real human rights violation that the crime of rape truly entails and for not showing adequate compassion and respect for the personal dignity of the rape/sexual assault victims and their families. All human persons have the right to self autonomy and personal dignity and to be treated respectfully by their governmental elected officials.

    See our other petitions:

    http://www.change.org/medicalwhistleblower/petitions

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