Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Personal Belief System after Rape

There of course have been many things to write about since my last post that I still want to cover, but I have a tendency to post when I am emotionally charged. I have to sum up what happened that got me steaming but it does lead up to rape so bear with me.

Fear of being judged and insecurity have been on my mind since last night………..I will explained what happened….

I do not know many people in this town I live in and those I do I do not get together with them often…so last night a girl invited me to go out for a bit and I did. The reason I have a tendency not to go out with certain individuals here is because they push their religion on me……but I did due to the fact that I feel I do not have many options for social engagement.

Moving on, so last night I was out an was talking about wedding planning (I did forget to mention to you all that The Rock and I got engaged last year) . I was talking about having it in our church and she proceeded to say she would come to the reception but not the ceremony…….her basic reasoning for this is that she will not condone a church that has false teachings. What is really odd about that IS THAT WE ARE BOTH CHRISTIANS, BELIEVE IN THE BIBLE, AND JESUS!

The conversation went on about my bad behaviors, how I need to be more obedient or God won’t forgive me etc. While I do believe some of what she said my blood began to boil………how could someone who believes in Christ sit there and judge me and my religion……..IT MAKES NO SENSE!

So what does this have to do with rape? Simply put prior to the rape some peoples beliefs and judgments about me bugged me but I usually brushed them off quite well, I used to look at them as beliefs are beliefs and one should respect others. Prior to the rape, if I found someone who condemned me so much I would have just blew if off and decided not to see them again………..but last night I was PISSED!

My point to all of this is how my emotions, beliefs, guilt, etc. have changed since the rape. I allow people even more to judge me and allow it to bother me. I have guilt after being judged and feel they may be right. Bottom-line I feel like I do not trust myself anymore since the rape.

My entire foundation of who I used to be has been shaken since the rape and I still cannot fully figure out why. I continue to work on these things and the only real theory I have about my foundation being shaken since the rape is this:

I was condemned by the defense a bit, I lost everything and then felt as though I deserved it, and lost a ton of control during and after the rape.

With all these factors I believe I taught myself that I was a not so great person and that no one should trust my judgment……….even myself.

What are your thoughts?

Victoria Placeo

2 comments:

  1. Who ever this girl is sounds like a jackass. In fact, i would say that SHE is the insecure one. Anyone who is truly secure in their religion/faith should not have to wear it on their sleeve.

    And yes, i'm Roman Catholic if anyone wants to know.

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  2. I agree with the first comment. She doesn't sound much like a real friend.

    I am recently going through a lot of the same feelings that you are. It is frustrating and it hurts emotionally to be going through those rough feelings.

    Just recently, I was talking with a friend. What he told me helped me, maybe it will help you. He said, "Have faith. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. What you are going through didn't happen in a day. You won't heal in a day. Once all of this is over, you will be the happy young lady you are. I love you."

    I hope it helped. Safe hugs for you!

    -Lara

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