Monday, November 12, 2012

Quote To Remember

This is a Quote to Remember for me, below the picture is why



When it comes to the rape I want no revenge, I did forgive, and I try my hardest to ignore the intrusive memories.  

Some people have asked me how to ignore or stop thinking about the memories and I would like to share one of the methods that someone taught me called the conveyor belt.

You imagine a conveyor belt with boxes going past you constantly, whenever a memory comes up you put it in a box and the belt does not stop so there goes the memory and along comes the next box.  Some days i had so many boxes at the end of that conveyor belt....haha, but the more i practiced it the easier it got.

Victoria

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Eckhart Tolle Quote

This is one of the many Eckhart Tolle Quotes I love, it reminds me to stay centered and makes me realize there is so much more to life.  I hope it brings some thought to someone.

Victoria

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

If I Close My Eyes Forever

I received several emails that asked how I could "be so strong".  I am sorry I have not gotten back to all the emails but I just wanted to say somedays I still feel like this song "If I Close My Eyes Forever" by Ozzy Osbourne and Lita Ford.  The song does not just me "one" thing to me it really depends of what type of day I am having, but it is usually not a positive thing (no and not suicidal:), although I love the song. Lyrics Below Video.



If I Close My Eyes Forever Lyrics:

Baby

I get so scared inside, and I don't really understand
Is it love that's on my mind, or is it fantasy?
Heaven
Is in the palm of my hand, and it's waiting here for you
What am I supposed to do with a childhood tragedy?

If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain the same?

Sometimes
It's hard to hold on
So hard to hold on to my dreams
It isn't always what it seems
When you're face to face with me

You're like a dagger
And stick me in the heart
And taste the blood from my blade
And when we sleep, would you shelter me
In your warm and darkened grave?

If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain the same?

Will you ever take me?
No, I just can't take the pain
But would you ever trust me?
No, I'll never feel the same, Oh

I know I've been so hard on you
I know I've told you lies
If I could have just one more wish
I'd wipe the cobwebs from my eyes

If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain the same?

Close your eyes
Close your eyes
You gotta close your eyes for me

Victoria

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Rapist Has Been Paroled

UPDATE: Was going to post you see below last week, just got notice he has been released to community.  A lot of emotions going on I will write about them when I am ready.  Emotions I thought I would not feel………


I realize the title of this post sounds nasty but it is the most straight forward way to entitle the post.

Shortly after I wrote The Year Of The Rapists Release I gotta letter notifying me of his upcoming parole hearing.  I was going to write about that then but obviously did not, in the post I planned to write about the letter and the decision I was trying to make between attending the hearing or not, I did decide not to.  The parole date came and as expected he was paroled (which does not mean out of prison yet).  The feelings I had at the time I heard the news were odd, I was not shocked nor scared, I knew it was coming, however I do remember thinking how the years went so fast.

After getting notified I realized there were things I needed to know and take care of.  I wanted to know when he was getting out, what were his rules, do I have or could I get a restraining order?  To my surprise (kinda) the different areas of the justice system had very vague answers and I had to jump from one department to another trying to get them.

I actually got one letter from one department that stated his release was “in the near future.”  Of course I wondered in my usual way “what the beep does that mean.”  When I phoned to find out they stated anywhere from tomorrow to 5 months down the road, that was certainly reassuring (sarcasm).  I had no idea (and of course never wanted too) know about all the red tape and getting around the system to find out what you want to know, I have learned that if many departments are involved it can be a wee bit time consuming.

There is quite more I could go into in regards to all the different information I received but in short I have finally found out that his release from prison should be within the next 30 to 60 days.
Sooo, how do I feel?  Well as I have mentioned in past posts somewhere the way I think of it when people come out of prison there is a 50/50 chance.  They may come out never wanting to get in trouble again or may come out with a vengeance. Either way I try not to focus on that much because I cannot control what he decides to do or how he decides to behave, all I can do is be prepared to the best of my ability either way, proactive so to speak.

One of the more disturbing things about it that I briefly eluded to in a post entitled Secondary Survivors Not Understanding Rape – Part 1 (of which I was going to do more parts to, and may still) is that family and friends seem to not be concerned (of course it is not their life) but many do not even bother to ask how are you doing with it?  Perhaps I can understand the not being concerned but at a time where a major life change is happening (not necessarily one you would jump for joy over) it would be nice for them to at least ask how things are going.  In fact, they do not even mention it, like it is not happening, while I realize many people do not consider what others are going through or do not bring it up is because they just do not know what to say, it would not hurt to just say hey how ya doing with all of this.

While it is always important for others not to enable anyone who has been through a tough event that does not mean human kindness goes out the window. At least that is my opinion anyway. 

So basically after that little rant above what I am trying to say is that as I have stated before, the issue of others not having any sympathy/empathy, even just enough to be kind, makes things tougher.  I do not want to be babied; I do not want anything elaborate, just a kind word.  This does not include everyone of course but for the most part there has been few to care.

There is as always more to say on this and other issues in regards to what has and is happening but this post is getting a little lengthy and if anyone is like me, short to the point posts seem to be easier for me and I am more than happy to wait for the next one.

Victoria Placeo


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Year of The Rapists Release


Exactly as the title says this is the year of the rapists release from prison, to the best of my knowledge.  Although it is not tooo funny I did have to chuckle at the title of this post, I kept the The Year Of The Dragon:-)

If one may recall the man (yes I use the word rapist or man now instead of organism) was charged with burglary and rape, things changed a bit and was finally charged with just rape (or the more legal term sexual assault).  So how do I feel about the release?

Well, for a while there especially last year I was VERY nervous and anxious about it.  I was thinking you never know how one may come out of prison, either with good intent to stay out of trouble or bad intent such as vengeance.  My hope is that he has the stay out of trouble mindset, but what I have learned through the years is that you can NEVER underestimate someone.

When I think about the vengeance aspect I do feel nerves rising, that is why I try not to think of it at all.  Trying to predict ones actions is quite a waste of time and the “what ifs” are not healthy for one’s health and well-being.

That being said the issue of where he will be released is a bit unsettling just due to the fact that I still do not live to far from the possible places.  Although you cannot run from your problems you could distance yourself for the sake of your mindset.  When I find out where, I am sure I will have feelings about it, and will post away.

While on the subject of where the sex offender will get released to, another concern is that I have family members in the two main places he may go.  Quite honestly I do not feel I need to go visit those places, some would say that is fear and maybe it is but with all the great places in the world why go there?

I believe in my last rape anniversary post I spoke of some guilt and with the year of release upon me I would like to add to that.  I do feel guilt about putting someone in prison, even if others say he did it himself (which I know is rational, but we do not always have rational feelings).  I feel as if I took years of someone’s life away, and then people say well what did he take from you.  That logic does not really help too much and I may always feel this way, maybe something I should work on or maybe my belief system.  

I have a bleeding heart and always have therefore my mixed emotions of nerves and guilt is somewhat difficult to overcome.  I have the mindset that people do bad things whether it is a horrible act such as rape to a non-violent act such as infidelity.  Both are awful, both are life changing, both hurt, both leave marks. Where I am I going with this one? Just putting my mind out there......

As I stated in my last post, although it was horrible, the after effects from others seemed to be more scarring and even today when I seem to have some troubles, very few are focused around him and what was done.  They more are focused around the assistance, reaction, and lack of support by others.  I will elaborate on those more after effects another time, although I believe throughout the years I have, just in a more aggravated way.

Another thing I did mention in the prior posts of Illness after Rape and the Rape Anniversary is how the emotions I have felt since the “event” and how they may have caused my current lack of health (which I shall talk about another time).  I am a big believer in emotions highly contributing to illness and with the rape and many other life events I have a mind to say my body took a crap on me for many emotional reasons. Of course I am not saying just those alone, but do believe they contribute highly.

So the year is here and consciously I think I am taking it quite well, unconsciously we shall see.  I have been doing some amazing techniques that have assisted me better than any of the counseling I have ever had. 

I will elaborate on those soon as well, but in short, I did not start these techniques with the idea of healing any assault issues, more for my physical health.  While focusing on some of the physical issues I was going through in my life, other issues began to surface and I started to have a shift in my mindset.  The emotions we stuff are amazing.

So all that being said, in summary, this is the year the rapist gets released (man, person, whatever) and surprisingly I do not feel as worried as I did in the past.  I do feel concerned about his motive upon getting out, the area of release, and still deal with that guilt.  Currently the feeling of the rapists released is not as emotionally charged as I thought it would be.  Update soon I am sure…….


Victoria Placeo

Friday, May 18, 2012

The 4 Year Anniversary of The Rape


Well it has been long time since I have posted and the reason for that I touched on a bit in the last post entitled Illness And Rape. Much has gone on with that subject however that is not want I feel I want to write about today.

Today is the 4 year anniversary of the rape and it is my feeling that unless other things arise it may be my last post on rape anniversaries.  Of course I cannot say that with complete certainty but I say it now because it is also the rapists release year.  It may happen anytime this year and at this point unsure of when.   I have mixed feelings about the release which I will cover at some other time.

I have looked back on many of my posts since I first started this blog and say WOW, I said that, or I thought that?!?!  My mind after the rape was there (mostly) but I do not agree with some of my own posts. Amazing how we grow and how we change. 

I notice now how I use the word rapist instead of organism and my thought on some other terminology have changed as well although I still use the words.  For example anniversary of rape, yea that anniversary word do not like it.  But it seems that people use that word more, while usually I call it the “event” or “incident” now.

In regards to how I am feeling on the “anniversary” of the rape, well not too bad in regards to the actual event itself, I can remember ever bit of it step by step as it occurred, but as I have expressed many times throughout this blog, although the rape was horrible, the after effects seemed to take a bigger toll on me, at least consciously that is what I think.

What I have gone through over the years are feeling of guilt which I have seen as different from other survivors in the fact that I do not feel like I could have done something differently or it was my fault.  My guilt stems from putting a person in prison. While I am told many times that he (look I call him “he” instead of “it” now. I may be writing a post on that if I have not already) put himself there, I know that if I did not agree to go with state, he may not have been there.  I do not know if I have elaborated on that guilt in any post but if not I surely intend to.

Another important after effect of the rape for me is the feeling of abandonment.  I have mentioned this before, but it creeps up over and over still, an issue obviously I have not been working on much.  After the rape I felt abandoned by family and friends, not to mention the states pawn at getting this guy in the slammer.  Many say I am right on when it comes to our judicial system and some say my views are skewed, to each their own.

And oddly enough what I find surfacing now, that did not much back then or at least not as strong is a total lack of love and respect from others. Perhaps the love issue was there, but I have been feeling like no one has any respect for me.  They will not respect my time, my thoughts, my words, anything.  While I realize this is a way I take things and boundaries I need to set, I do also see a lot of people I should not have in my life, and that is not a bad thing.  Surrounding yourself with well, supportive people is key, raped or not.

A final issue that I would like to touch on with this rape anniversary is how rape plays a role in physical (not just mental) health.  While it could be a complete coincidence that I am having physical problems now (which I will cover later) I believe that stress, anger, unhappiness, and many other negative emotions have wreaked havoc on my body.

I would like to say to anyone who has been raped recently the years fly by and when you suffer you lose your time, not the rapists.  Time does pass, things do get better, and new things seem to surface, and although everyone handles their rape differently, it is important to watch, not hyper focus, but watch what seems to upset you since your rape, it may give you great insight into much more.

Victoria Placeo

PS if there are spelling or words errors…………which I am sure there are, sorry wrote this one fast