Horrible Flashback Over A Year After The Rape

Right after the rape occurred I went through months of vivid, and violent flashbacks. Since then they have calmed down, and I currently have been having what I like to call mini-flashbacks. Flashbacks that contain memories, and ignite the senses, but are still small enough that I can cope. I thought that the mini's were what I had to work through and the giant flashbacks in the past were over. Last Friday night that all changed.

The Rock and I were out, just having a nice time visiting with people and playing a little pool. Things were going fine and I felt fine. Then a song came on and The Rock and I began to dance, not crazy, just kind of swooping around the floor. The Rock went to dip me and boom I fell on my head. As funny as that sounds to me now that little fall ended up in a catastrophic night.

I must say that all the memories of who was where and what events happened in what order are foggy or not there at all. What I do recall is that moment that I landed on the floor I was surrounded by people all staring down at me, blurred voices of if I was okay, and someone holding my head down. That was all it took to put me into a world of vivid and frighting memories.

This is what I remember from the external world, those outside me, and the internal world, what was going on in my head.

As I said someone was holding my head down and people were all around me. I felt panic, the need for freedom, confusion, and dreaded fear. All of these emotions are similar to those I felt on the night of the rape.

I must have passed out for awhile because when my eyes opened again I was on a stretcher, with my head now strapped down. I was terrified, no one I saw looked the same, they were blurred people which led to more terror about who it was.

Pictures of the rape and rapist flooded my head as well as memories of the EMT's and nurses after the rape occurred. The more they held me down the more I remembered and the more I felt panicked. Again I must have passed out a bit because the next thing I knew I was at the hospital.

There I saw a nurse whom I knew but did not know why, she calmed me a bit. I know now that unfortunately that nurse was one of my preschool students mother. I heard The Rock at times during this event but was unsure where he was and if he was real.

I saw men, I am not sure if they were doctors or EMT's but it did not matter, I did not know them, and I was restrained. Again I must have gone out because when I awoke I was in the ambulance with again strangers, strapped down, and going 30 miles to the nearest hospital that had a cat scan ( I did not know that then but I know that now).

Again I was panicked, I made it to the hospital and then can the dreaded ct scan. There were unidentified men all around, I could not move, my face was drenched with tears, and I was scared.

Pictures of the rape, the rapist, police cars, ambulances, police, and medics filled my mind. I remember calling for my Dad, but at the time I did not know why, perhaps out of fear. I called for The Rock as well but again unsure why.

I began to calm after the cat scan and began to realize that I was safe even though I did not know the people or why I was there. It was one of the most terrifying flashbacks I have had since the rape.

I ended up getting back to my home via a police car and was exhausted. I must say it was the best I had slept in along time. Now that it is over I have trouble understanding how so much time has gone by and such a huge flashback could occur.

I feel discouraged and almost damaged due to this one flashback which I should have been used to since I have had so many in the past.

For the first time since the rape, I realized, from this event, that I was embarrassed of being raped. I thought of all the people who knew what happened and wondered how many of them knew I was raped. I was wondering how I was ever going to face anyone in this town again.

I am shocked that a knock to the head and then being surrounded by people could put me into such a horrible experience.

I realize it is over now but the damage of feeling embarrassed because I was raped and that I had such a relapse causes me great concern.


Victoria Placeo

A Rant And Job Problems Since The Rape

I have mentioned before that I have now gotten back in the workforce since the rape and that it has been difficult for me. The difficulties have ranged from reactions to the loud, unexpected noises to difficulty relating to co-workers. However, what I have not mentioned is that I am employed at a daycare.

At first it was quite a hard ego trip to get over going from what my degree was in to daycare. Not that there is really anything wrong with daycare, it was just not what I went to school for. Finally, I realized that I need a job like the daycare to ease myself back into the work environment.
So I am moving right along with my work difficulties and keep on moving through every unexpected noise and flashing memory and doing quite well. Have not had to leave due to any reasons related to the rape, so I was surviving and working again which I was proud of.

And theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnn....................

BAM things get rustled up and I cannot believe the reason why...........

On Friday of last week, I noticed my co-worker looking a bit stressed and asked if there was anything I could do. She said "no, just a stressful week." I knew in my heart that that was not the reason and I could not help but think it was me.

Over the weekend I began to tell myself that I was being over sensitive, at times thinking that I was more sensitive to pleasing people because of the rape and then..................

Monday hit

I got called into the office by my director and we had discussion about how I may not be a good match for the room I was in. My co-worker was mentioned and I expressed my feelings about how I felt her stress was due to me. Some other civil discussion took place and my boss agreed that perhaps I and my co-worker were not a good match.

But get this.................

My director said that one of the reasons my co-worker may not be feeling like we are a good match and why she is so stressed out is because she may have emotional problems, such as SAD!!!

Now I understand that I experience that myself and have for years.................. BUT BOY AM I PEEVED.......... I wanted to say.....................

AWWW SO HERE I STRUGGLED WITH FLASHBACKS, DEPRESSION, ETC. AND NOT BLAME ANYONE HERE FOR IT AND YOUR GOING TO SWITCH ME TO A DIFFERENT MOOD BECAUSE "SHE" CAN'T CONTROL HERE SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HECK!!! ( I am trying to use nicer words here then I have in the past, can you tell).

Anyway, that is the way I felt. I finally resolved in my mind that the room switch would be good for me and that from what I have observed so far, the workers in those rooms seem much more friendly. But................

Another Bombshell..............

Later that day I found out that the knew room will not have enough children in it until sometime in January or February so what did my director do......................SHE CUT MY HOURS BY 50 PERCENT!!!!!

ALL BECAUSE SOME CHIC CANNOT GET HERSELF ON SOME ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND TO ASSIST HER WITH HER SAD!!!

I DON'T ALWAYS FEEL HAPPY, I HAVE MINI-FLASHBACKS AT WORK, I GET STRESSED, BUT IT IS NOT MY CO-WORKER'S FAULT..........I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT..........AND IT IS NOT EASY!!!!!!!!!!!!

There I am done I just could not believe after how hard I have been trying to cope in the workforce that I would be cut hours because someone else could not.


Victoria Placeo

Speaking Out About Rape, Inc.® (SOAR®) Is Competing in the Chase Community Giving Event

Kellie Greene Founder/Director of Speaking Out About Rape Speaking Out About Rape, Inc.®, also known as, (SOAR®) contacted me last week. She contacted me in regards to the Chase Community Giving Event that SOAR is competing in. I must say that I am so glad that she contacted me and I am thrilled to help.

SOAR is a non-profit organization which runs national awareness, education and prevention programs to empower survivors of sexual violence and enhance the public's understanding and acceptance of rape victims.

As I said they are currently competing in the Chase Community Giving Event. This is an online contest in which Chase Bank will donate $5 million to charitable organizations. Facebook members “become a fan” of Chase Community Giving and then vote for their favorite non-profits to receive a donation. The bank is donating $25,000 to 100 organizations in the first round of giving, and then $100,000 to five organizations plus $1 million to two organizations in the second round. Voting in the first round ends on December 11, 2009.

While communicating with Kellie she let me know that not only does SOAR want to win the money but they also want to get a sexual violence organization in the top 100. I would love to see a sexual violence organization in the top 100 as well.

In regards to the sexual violence organizations, SOAR is not the only one. Pandora’s Aquarium and RAINN are also in the running. So when you vote if you find that you would rather vote for RAINN then there is still a chance for a sexual violence organization to get in the top 100.

This is a very important event for many of the sexual violence organizations out there. Although there are many non-profits competing in this contest, and many worthy of winning, it would be a great change and very helpful I believe to have a sexual violence group win one of these events.

To vote all you have to do is:

1. VISIT http://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving

2. VOTE for Speaking Out About Rape

3. TELL your friends on Facebook about it

For more information about SOAR you can go to http://www.soar99.org. Please vote and while your on Facebook find me here.


Victoria Placeo

Feeling Lost Since The Rape

I know I must have written about this before, however the area of feeling loss of identity seems to be getting worse. Also, the feeling of not knowing what I want is gone as well.

I know a few things for sure, I don't want to live here, it is to close to where the rape happened. I also know that I want to be with The Rock, besides that I am lost. I know that this is common amongst people in general and especially amongst rape or sexual assault survivors. However, even knowing that it does not make it any less difficult.

What makes it worse is that I know one answer to make things better. Knowing it and teaching your mind to do it is quite a different story. The answer is to look at what I have now, what I want my future to hold.

It is simple to see what I have now, however one forgets sometimes to be grateful for it. Looking towards the future is a way to make things better. Imagining all the good things you want for your future. However if you feel lost and are not quite sure what you want, how can you accomplish that?

I don't think there is a complete answer for loss of identity after rape. I think there are many and one must find the one that works for them. Since I know that present and future focus is very important, now all I have to do is soul search. I make it sound easy but it is not.

If feels that when everything that I thought I had or wanted was ripped away, that I no longer have the same desires. I don't know if that is actually true, or if I perceive it that way due to the fact that I had it and now it is gone.

What I do know is that in regards to the rape, my emotions still go up and down. In regards to my identity since the rape I am lost.

I will be more upbeat next time:)


Victoria Placeo

Rape Memories Worse Around The Holidays?

I have heard of depression getting worse around the holidays, with the excess pressures and such. However, I have not read much about rape or sexual assault memories getting worse around the holidays. I must admit I have not done alot of research on the matter, so it may be true that rape memories get worse around the holidays.

My rape did not occur around a holiday, just two days before my birthday. If you have read past posts you will see that my memories do get worse around the anniversary date of the rape but this year this holiday season seems to be tough.

I am not having memories about the rape exactly, more about the rapist. How I knew him before, how he looked, his features etc. I also have a tremendous amount of guilt, I feel as if I put someone in prison. I imagine what it must be like to spend the holidays in prison.

The guilt is not feeling bad for the rapist, more (selfishly) feeling bad for me because I put someone behind bars. I know he deserves it, but at times I feel it was not my place to make that decision.

My depression has gotten much worse, fifty percent of it I believe is just the holidays, but the other fifty has to do with the rape and the rapist. I am depressed because I feel the rapist took the life I was happy with.

I know this is a time to be thankful, thankful that I am alive, but the memories of the rapist plague my mind daily. As I have said before, in general I do not fear people, however I am getting more paranoid about the rapist.

I know that he is behind bars, but I walk out the door each day and look both ways to make sure he is not there. This habit has just recently started and has been going on for about a month and a half.

I just feel sad, and although many would say it is the season change or the holidays, I don't think that is entirely true. The memories that cause the sadness, are about the rapist and the life that I have lost.

The right thing to do is look at what I have gained. I practice that daily, and hopefully soon it will work.


Have a great Thanksgiving


Victoria Placeo

Alcohol And Rape Recovery

For months after the rape, I was drinking alcohol like a fiend, I can't say it was a good idea and did make things much worse I believe. I have very bad dreams, flashbacks, and was hypersensitive.

After gaining 15 lbs, making it through the sentencing, and having a realization that drinking was getting me know where I cut down, I basically quit drinking. Things did improve.

From time to time, I have drank since that realization and each time I have either had some sort of flashback or nightmare. They are not as bad as they used to be but none the less they are still there.

The reason I write this now is as an advisory. Last weekend was Halloween, and although I did not go out on Halloween, I did the night before. I did drink and kept drinking until it was to late, I was drunk.

I had horrible nightmares that night, one flashback (which I don't have many when I am sober), and I slept the entire next day, I felt very depressed.

Although it has been a year and a half, the alcohol still effects my memories and and I believe my recovery. I can't tell if it affects me this way because I was drinking the night of the rape or if it just lowers my defenses.

I guess it really doesn't matter. The point is it does not benefit me in any way. I say I write this as an advisory for those who may be recovering from rape, or any other violent crime.

Not only is there an obvious danger of addiction to alcohol, but it does effect how you view things. Therefore, if you are trying to work through issues it will just set you back.

For me it did not set me back for long. After sleeping all day I felt better and the memories were less pronounced.

I realize it has been a year and a half and as many say you should get over it. It is apparent that I am not. If you are recovering from rape, leave the alcohol alone, not only will you feel much better, but you may have the chance to not set back any progress you have already made.


Victoria Placeo

Anti- Social Since The Rape

I really don't know if anti-social is the right word for what I am going through but I think people get the picture.

Ever since the rape and the events that followed it, I really have no desire to talk to anyone. Of course, I do, but I go to lengths to avoid having to. I simply have nothing to say.

I was never much of a social butterfly anyway but I did go out with more people and strike up more conversations. I guess words are just not that important anymore, things said can be changed in a second.

Also, I believe a trust issue may be the culprit behind why I don't want to speak to anyone. The rape in itself is a trust breaker, but the people that I thought would be there as a strong support simply were not.

It doesn't matter to me whether they knew how to deal with it. There are many things I can't deal with but do anyway. You figure out how to deal with things, whether you like it or not. I don't think anyone has any excuse for not being there.

I know this is a pretty pessimistic post but I really feel this way ( at least I do now).

I have been referring to myself as the "old" me and I know that is damaging. However, that is how I see it much of the time, the old me was more outgoing, put together, and more conversational.

I know the right thing to do is forget about the old me and focus on now and the present, but it creeps up on me when I least expect it.



Victoria Placeo