Thursday, July 31, 2008

Raped and I Got Fired !!! What The Hell!?

First off, I do feel a little better than yesterday. The doctor's office never called, like they said they would, so I called the them for my blood results and................ SURPRISE.... their gone for the afternoon. Oh, well what do you do.

Yes, that's right I got fired. I got the notice last week and feel well enough today to share it.

I was put on medical leave instantly after the incident at that time my job call me in. They discussed matters with me and put me on a corrective action plan. A plan that stated there were issues with my work months and months ago. Hmmmm.............. seemed a little odd to me they did not mention these issues months and months ago.

While speaking with them they asked me if I wanted to work there. They said it seemed that I was not to interested in what they were saying. Hmmmm........... what the hell............ I was violently raped a week ago people, I am soooooooo sorry I am not showing the zip you want.

We came to a conclusion that I would return to work at a later date in June. When that date approached my doctor put me on an extended medical leave and the note was given to my work and accepted. My return date was suppose to be July 9th. I called my boss on the July 8th to confirm my return. She stated that they did not have me scheduled....Hmmm......odd? We reached an agreement that I would return on the 11th.

I had a legal item to tend to on the 11th and called to inform my supervisor. In my corrective action plan it stated that I could not phone in and leave a voicemail per policy. I spoke with a nurse an explained my situation and left a voicemail to confirm. On that voicemail I told my supervisor I had spoken with a nurse and asked my supervisor to call me back. She never did.

That same day I got another extension on my medical leave and assumed that I would return to work after that. I never did hear from my work and so on the 21st I phoned human resources, they had no idea what was going on, but stated they would return my call. They never did.

Two days later I called them back and human resources stated she had a letter from my administrator that was sent to me stating that I resigned on the 9th............WHAT...........BS. I received that letter on the 24th and guess when it was dated THE 21ST SURFREAKINPRISE!

So, yeah, they canned me. You want to know the worst part. I worked for a MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY!!! One that's job is to support those who have problems and trauma, how ironic huh?

Bitter..........oh............A TAD!!!!

Word to the wise, never let your work be your sense of self, and always remember no matter what you do YOU ARE ALWAYS REPLACEABLE!!

Here is one resource I found to help you with employment issues employeeissues.com. I may find more later but I will leave it at that for now.




Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I feel physically bad, Rape Trauma Syndrome, Post Traumatic Stress????

I have not posted in quite some time. Reason, I feel horrible, physically horrible.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and so far there is no reason for it, I will find out more about blood tests tomorrow. I have sweats, chills, nausea, dizziness, and bowel problems.

I hope there is nothing wrong, but on the other hand if they find something there is an answer. If there is none then it will more then likely be contributed to RTS ( Rape Trauma Syndrome). On the United Against Sexual Assault Of Sonoma County site it states this about physical symptom's:

Physical Symptoms of RTS
Shock: usually an immediate response. May include: numbness, chills, faintness, confusion, disorientation,trembling, nausea and vomiting

Sleep problems: unable to sleep, sleeping more than usual, or other changes in sleeping patterns

Eating problems: no appetite and subsequent weight loss, or compulsive eating and subsequent weight gain

No energy or too much energy

Physical illness: the stress may weaken the immune system and making them more vulnerable to illness. The rapist may have infected the survivor with an STD, or other illness. A general feeling of “unwellness” is normal

Physical pain: this may be as a result of injuries inflicted by the rapist, or a physical reaction to emotional pain

Cardiovascular problems: heart palpitations, breathlessness, tightness or pain in the chest, high blood pressure

Gastrointestinal problems: loss of appetite, nausea, diarrhea, constipation, dryness in mouth, butterflies in stomach, feelings of emptiness in stomach, etc.

Exaggerated startle response: over-reacting to sudden noise or movement

Over-sensitivity to noise
I think I've got those covered:(
Also, I have been told I have PTSD ( Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). According to WebMD it had this to say about PTSD symptoms:
What Are the Symptoms of PTSD?
Symptoms of PTSD most often begin within three months of the event. In some cases, however, they do not begin until years later. The severity and duration of the illness vary. Some people recover within six month, while others suffer much longer.
Symptoms of PTSD often are grouped into three main categories, including:
Re-living: People with PTSD repeatedly re-live the ordeal through thoughts and memories of the trauma. These may include flashbacks, hallucinations and nightmares. They also may feel great distress when certain things remind them of the trauma, such as the anniversary date of the event.
Avoiding: The person may avoid people, places, thoughts or situations that may remind him or her of the trauma. This can lead to feelings of detachment and isolation from family and friends, as well as a loss of interest in activities that the person once enjoyed.
Increased arousal: These include excessive emotions; problems relating to others, including feeling or showing affection; difficulty falling or staying asleep; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being "jumpy" or easily startled. The person may also suffer physical symptoms, such as increased blood pressure and heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, nausea and diarrhea.
I believe I hit those as well:(
Since I don't feel well that's all I have for today.
I feel Sick, Sad, Solo (all alone) S cubed I am.
Victoria Placeo

Friday, July 25, 2008

Fear Of Being Alone - Rape Trauma Syndrome

Everyday it seems like I know what I want to write about and then I am overwhelmed by some emotion.... currently it is fear.


I have been staying with a friend since the incident and they are gone tonight. I have an unexplainable dread. I don't know if it is because I think someone will come and hurt me. I have evaluated this fear in my mind for a couple hours now and I feel safe where I am at ( I am not in the city the incident took place). I am just terrified, horrified, want to cry and curl up. The fear is like no fear I have felt before.

I of course searched for why I would feel such impending doom in a place where I feel safe. When searching for fear and rape, I did not find to much that was helpful. I did find other peoples feelings on forums, but I want more. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!

I did find information about Rape Trauma Syndrome at Medicine Australia. After reading it I am sure I will refer to it often. I found what it said about fear here:

Immediate effects - first weeks

Emotional reactions that may be present:shock, numbness, embarrassment, guilt, powerlessness, loss of trust, fear, anxiety, anger, disbelief, shame, depression, denial, retriggering, disorientation

Short-term effects - up to 3-4 months

generalised anxiety & fear.
disturbance - of eating, sleeping, thoughts, relationship.
disruption - to create safety eg change of phone number.
impaired social functioning
difficulty in maintaining/ establishing relationships.
guilt for not preventing assault (often).
sudden, unpredictable changes of residences and disappearances.
negative impact of legal processes.

Intermediate effects - up to 1 year

disruption and change in lifestyle - eg move house, change job.
increased dependence - eg on family.
sleep disturbance, often nightmares.
fear and phobias eg going out or being alone, cleanliness,
sexuality - eg body image, flashbacks, loss of enjoyment
past rape/incest - brings up past abuse.
"damaged" goods - eg thinks others can tell.

It does help to see there is a reason and I am not the only one that is broken or feels broken. But I'll be damned if I am going to be in this much fear and dread for a year. My coping skills thus far have been alright, but apparently I need a little more. I will inform you when I better me.


Victoria Placeo

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Rape verses Violent Incident Terminology

Just a quick post to correct a past post. In a past post I stated some terms I was going to use instead of others I would like to change that.

I will continue to call the perpetrator an organism defined by wordnet.princeton.edu

I will continue to call my sexual assault The Incident, I just prefer it that way

I will not continue to call the rape and/or sexual assault the violent act. My reasoning, I just decide to call A Spade A Spade. Why mince words?



Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

John McCains's Rape Joke

Okay, I read it, I didn't want to go there, I read more about McCain, and decided I have to go there.

My political views are not a major part of this blog, but rape is. I am not hugely into politics for many reasons and barely keep up on the candidates. I will not comment on whom I think should be president in the upcoming 2008 election. However, after reading the joke, and reading more, I had no choice in my mind to say WHOOAAA, HOLD ON THERE COWBOY!


I read many sources that discussed John McCain's Rape Joke, I found The Jed Report , The Huffington Post, and Think Progress to be the best for information.

Apparently, in 1986 while running for senate John McCain made a rape joke ....... and here it is:

Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, “Where is that marvelous ape?”
HaHaHa....funny Huh? NOT SO MUCH!! I explored the fact that maybe I was to sensitive to this joke due to my incident. Then I came to realize after reading and rereading the joke, it's just not funny.


Through more research on John McCain I found this statement made by Clayton Williams about rape:


As long as it's inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it.


According to The Huffington Post Clayton Williams is a:

Texas oilman who once joked that women should give in while being raped.
The Texan, Republican Clayton "Claytie" Williams, made the joke during his failed 1990 campaign for governor against Democrat Ann Richards. Williams compared rape to the weather, saying, "As long as it's inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it."

McCain apparently had a fundraiser with Williams and canceled it, I then read he postponed it, and then read he was taking the 300,000 Clayton Williams had already raised............ so due all of that and I am not a reporter, I am leaving that one alone. Feel free to find the answers yourself.

So the curiosity killed me and I read further and found this on The Huffington Post where McCain stated this to his wife Cindy McCain:



"At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt."


He blamed it on a bad day........yea in the past two months I have had many bad days, pretty sure I wouldn't say that though.

So, my original intention with all of this was that I saw the rape joke, was offended, but had the intent somewhat stick up for McCain because we all do stupid things. As I read further, the Clayton Williams one got me. I couldn't hold it in. I am not a news reporter, but a rape victim, survivor, or whatever you are comfortable with at this point. All of this was too much, not to blog about.



I still will not state my preference for presidency 2008, but I will make a general statement about anyone who makes these jokes or thinks this way............here it goes:


Since rape is so funny, I suggest that all rape victims get together and meet any of you who think this way. We can talk about it, express differing opinions, and then us silly rape people will tie you up and SHOVE A BASEBALL BAT UP YOU ASS! Well just see how funny that is for you. Want to take me up on it let me know.






Have a great day!






Victoria Placeo


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

It Was The Organisms Plea Taking

I will open by saying, as I have said before, make sure you ASK QUESTIONS, to whomever is your contact person or advocate.Yesterday caused me quite a bit of unneeded stress.

Yesterday my post was about the sentencing, which I was informed of by my advocate on Friday would be taking place. I quit writing yesterday due to a phone call I received from my sister saying the organism was not on the docket. My sister and her boyfriend found my advocate and spoke with her. My sister informed me that the attorneys involved were trying to fit the organism in for a plea taking. Her boyfriend informed me that due to the speedy trial demand the organism made, if they did not fit it in, we would go to trial. STRESS!!! YES, TO SAY THE LEAST!

My advocate phoned me later and explained the situation. She stated that the attorneys wanted to do both the plea taking and sentencing in the same day but were unable to due to a full docket. She assured me that they would get the organism in for the plea taking and did phone me to let me know they did.

Now...... I understand by now that things don't always work the way you want them to, especially in the legal system. However, I should have been informed why they wanted the organism in for the plea taking so fast, and the consequences involved, if it did not happen. I have no legal education and no nothing about this subject.

I am not asking for the world here, but I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE INFORMED CORRECTLY AND FULLY!! There is enough stress dealing with the trauma. It would be much easier for me to handle if they could give me the what-ifs, then to find out in this fashion.

Also, I cannot fully blame my advocate, she was telling me what she was told by attorneys. She was doing her best and I realize that.

That being said no victim should have to do legal research after any type of violent crime. Unfortunately you may have to. The National Center For State Courts provides a list of Court Web Sites. If you have to find your own information I suggest going here to find your state.

I once again want to say, that at least my organism (perpetrator) is going to prison. I realize in many cases, rapists never see jail time at all.

Due to all of this I do not plan to write about the incident until after the organisms sentencing, which I was informed would take place August 11. We shall see.

REMEMBER ASK QUESTIONS!!

Victoria Placeo

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Organisms Sentencing Is Today!

My lack of blogging over the weekend was due to my agonizing over attending the plea bargain taking and sentencing.

That statement above is confusing in itself. The organism took the plea bargain but yet there is a sentencing. Things are not well explained to me and I am sorry but I have not investigated why a sentencing is needed.

I do believe that in some ways I am very lucky. I am alive, the organism did take a plea bargain, and is going to jail. According to RAINN only 6% of rapist will ever spend a day in jail.
One of the key things I did that helped is that I called 911 right away. Please remember that!

Back to the agonizing over the decision. I have the right to be at that hearing. I thought that since I have really had no rights from my perspective and the organism had them all that I should take this one.

After debating over the weekend, I decided not to attend. I am still having nightmares about the organism, minor flashbacks, and I thought seeing the organism again would refresh its face in my mind. Therefore, reactivating the incident all over again. As my friend put it " I was not going to dignify the scumbag with my presence."

My impact statement is going to be read aloud by the victim assistance coordinator per my request.

HALT.... It is amazing what happens when your blogging. My sister and boyfriend were going to the hearing and just called and they told them that it was not scheduled for today. I am stopping and will get back to you.

Victoria Placeo

Friday, July 18, 2008

Anniversary Date Of The Incident (Im Sorry, RAPE)

Why am I blogging on a Friday night. Today July 18 is the two month anniversary of the incident (of yet I have not blogged about). I hate using the word anniversary because it should be something special to remember. This is one of those moments that I switch words. The anniversary of the incident, shall now be referred to the violation date. I know it is not a nice word, but fitting.

If I have not mentioned it before, my employment was in the mental health field. I used to work with numerous people whom had trouble whenever their violation date was approaching. I didn't understand and as awful as it is for me to admit, I almost looked at it as an attempt for attention. How very, very wrong I was.

Although, the people I worked with did not know I thought this way, I want to publicly apologize for minimizing their pain.

Today is hard, very hard. I keep thinking what I was doing two months ago at this time. And worse yet, I keep thinking what was I doing the week before May 18th. What could I have noticed to prevent the violent crime? Where did I go wrong?

Just like I used to be, no one else seems to understand the impact of a violation date. The people whom are close to me and have helped (and their are few) don't have a clue to the ups and downs of this day for me. I need someone, and no one is around. I guess that is what the 800 numbers are for, huh? I am not trying to devalue the 800 numbers, but it would be nice to have a friend, or someone who thinks, hmmm Victoria might need me today.

In their defense, they have their own lives. It is not their job to make me feel better or to be their for me. It is not their responsibility to remember the date, although many know. They have their own lives and they don't stop because of my agony and needs, nor do I expect them to.

My feelings are very mixed. I guess my two predominant are self-blame and loneliness. I have memories flash in my mind numerous times an hour. I am confused, why are self-blame and loneliness all I feel now. I guess another which is ongoing is distrustful. I trust no one at this point, probably explaining my loneliness. Below is a song by Johnny Cash entitled "Hurt", I have listened to this often it is so accurate to my feelings. I have bolded the lyrics that have the most impact.

"Hurt"
By
Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything


[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all

My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here


[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Victoria Placeo

Thursday, July 17, 2008

SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO MARICOPA COUNTY, AZ IS AT IT AGAIN!

I am sure you have read this in the many pretend your working emails, but I agree with the Sheriff. Many say he is an up and coming Nazi or Slave owner. I say, until your a victim of violent crime, keep your mouth shut. And if you have been a victim of violent crime or assault, then you already know those prisoners deserve to be there!!

I have bolded my main areas of agreement with Joe Arpaio:

Maricopa County was spending approximately $18 million dollars a year on stray animals, like cats and dogs, When Sheriff Joe Arpaio offered to take the department over, and the County Supervisors agreed. The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the animals. Every animal under the care of the Sheriff is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give educational classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and even had them place in dog shows. The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3 million.


The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working in the animal shelters, but most would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals. Many have long wondered when others around the country would take a look at the way the Sheriff runs his jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work. They grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing most of the work and harvesting by hand. He has a good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer for the Christmas tree nursery, where the prisoners also work. You can buy a Christmas tree from the Sheriff's Department for $6 - $8 for the Holidays, and plant it later.

Sheriff Joe was re-elected last year with an 83% vote margin. But he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted his department buses and vehicles with a mural, that has a special hot line telephone number posted where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. The U.S. Immigrations & Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough he said, so he had 40 deputies specifically trained for enforcing immigration laws, started up his own hot line, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling illegals back to the border. He's kind of a 'git-it-done' type of person.
To those of you who are not familiar with Joe Arpaio, he is the Maricopa County Sheriff in Phoenix, Arizona who keeps getting elected over and over.
The following is some of the reasons why:


Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the 'Tent City Jail'. He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for the meals.

He stopped smoking and the distribution of porno magazines in his jails. He also took away the prisoner's weights, and cut off all but 'G' movies.

He also started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs for women, so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.


He took away their cable TV until he found out there was a Federal Court Order that required cable TV for the jails so he reinstalled the cable TV system again....only subscribing to the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel.

When asked why the Weather Channel, he replied, "So they will know how hot it might be while they are working on my chain gangs."

He cut out the coffee in his jails since it has zero nutritional value.

When the inmates complained, he has told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton...if you don't like it, don't come back!" (Victoria Says GOOO JOE!!!!!)

He bought Newt Gingrich's lecture series on videotapes that he pipes into the jails.
When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.


More on the Arizona Sheriff:

With temperatures being hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees set a new record), the Associated Press reported: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County jail were given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.


Hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside a few days earlier. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.

"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for about 1 year. "It's inhumane." he said.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic.

He has told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they don't complain and furthermore, they didn't commit any crimes, So shut your damned mouths!' ( Once again GOOO JOE!!!)


Way to go, Sheriff!

Maybe if all jails were like his, there would be a lot less crime and repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes....not live in luxury until it's time for parole, then go out and commit another crime so they can live on taxpayers money and enjoy some items that many taxpayers can't afford themselves. (Victoria says: YA FREAKIN' THINK??)

http://www.thecitizen.com/~citizen0/node/28586


I suppose this post may be that roller coaster of emotion thing and I'm railing up the rage?

Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My Terms Throughout This Blog

I realized while reviewing my posts that I have expressed why I use the word organism. I use the word organism for the perpetrators title. I do not feel it deserves to be called a man nor do I think all men would commit sexual assaults. Organism defined, according to wordnet.princeton.edu is "a living thing that has (or can develop) the ability to act or function independently." Key word there "function independently" the organisms made the choice to commit a crime.

I will also try to refer to my experience as the incident. Although I may slip, I believe incident is nicer and for those who have been through an assault easier to read. I intend on describing the sexual assault on a separate page. Therefore, if people want to read it they may, but if it is a trigger then they can pass. The description of the incident will not be to graphic but will give the general idea of what occurred.

I think often of why I would make words more pleasant for the reader, but I try to remember this blog is not just for me, it is for the many who suffer from rape or sexual assault. If I use different words in the future to describe things I will verify it at that time.

Victoria Placeo

Monday, July 14, 2008

Organism Signed The Plea Bargain!!

Notice I wrote SIGNED the plea bargain. Always ask whomever is representing you if the organism has signed the plea bargain and not just accepted it. Last Monday, I was told the organism accepted the plea bargain, I felt some sense of relief. Later that day I was informed that it had not signed it so it could changes its mind at any time. My relief was once again crushed.

DON'T BE AFRAID to ask you attorney or representative what is going on. It should not be your job after a sexual assault to do your own research. Ask them that is what they are getting paid for.

The organism was charged with Burglary 1st degree and Sexual Assault 3rd degree (rape). As I was informed, and keep in mind I said informed, Burglary 1st degree holds 25 years and sexual assault 3rd degree (rape) holds 10 years. Kind of odd how the Burglary holds more years then the violence towards people.

As far as my organisms plea bargain goes it is a 10 year sentence, sex offenders list for 10 years, and parole for life. I can't say I'm thrilled or disappointed about this plea bargain. On one hand, I don't have to go to trial and some time is better then none. On the other hand, when it starts at 35 years and boils down to 10 years, it is a tad disheartening considering I live with it for life. When I say for life, I do not mean it will control my life, I mean it is now a part of it.

I have also been informed that sentences are pretty much cut in half for time served. I did ask my representative why and they said because the prisons are to full, that is very sad.

Bottom line it has been signed, I do not have to go to trial, and I am alive!

Victoria Placeo

Not About Justice, It's About The Law!

I realize in this blog things may be backward but I want to go through my days as I have them now instead of writing them and then typing later.

Why was I able to start posting yesterday, you may ask, if it happened at the end of May? The answer is that yesterday I found out that the organism accepted the plea bargain. Yes there was a plea bargain. Today I found out that it had not signed it yet and that it could be retracted. I thought when you got a phone call about an acceptance of a plea bargain that it was a done deal. In my state of mind it never occurred to me to ask about a signature.

These types of events have happened often throughout this ordeal. I have found out that it's just the law. As it was put to me days ago by a family member " the legal system is not about justice, it is about law". I will expand on this at a later date I am sure.

As I said, I am just trying to document day by day. Today has not been a good one. I feel alone. There are so many pamphlets, websites, and people that say your not alone, but in many senses you are. It is my hope, that perhaps information I can provide and documentation of the roller coaster, with many aspects to it, will help others.

I have lost much and am very unsure how to use my usual positive beliefs to bring relief. I'm sure I will expand on this at a later time, perhaps tonight if I have a mind to. As I stated today has been a lonely day filled with anxiety, so for now I will sign off.

Victoria Placeo