Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Noah St. Johns, Afformations and Healing

One of the best things that happened to me out of my unfortunate circumstances was I believe not by chance.

While traveling to my hometown for safety after the perpetrator got out of jail, I stopped at a book store. I needed something to listen to, something to take my mind off everything else, something positive. I looked at all the options of books on CD and one caught my eye, Afformations, by Noah St. John.

Needless to say I bought the book and listened to all of it. Noah explains how he stumbled upon the idea of Afformations while in the shower. I liked listening to him right from the start, his voice seemed very real and down to earth.

Afformations as opposed to affirmations are different. Noah explains that when you affirm you are telling yourself something that you don't believe to be entirely true. Hearing this put me in awe, while I was counseling I took a different approach with my patients with affirmations.
Noah explains that Afformations are a way to get your mind to search for the answer.

Of course in the book Noah does not touch on crime victims, hopefully he will someday. However his teachings make it easy to relate to whatever situation you’re in. I took pieces of my experiences, traumatic memories, fear, etc. and used Afformations. By doing so I brought myself some relief and with some issues complete relief.

I would recommend Afformations to anyone, but I highly encourage it for survivors of any rape or sex crime. People struggle for year’s even lifetimes with the memories. I know that Afformations can bring at least some relief to survivors.

How do you Afform or make and Afformation? Well just go to the link below by doing so you get the first three chapter of his book FREE!! I couldn't believe it!! You can get the first chapter of the book HERE

Contact me with questions

Victoria Placeo

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Six Month Anniversary for Rape Victim

It is the six month anniversary today and my feeling is numb........yes, numb is the best way to describe it.

I thought all day about how to portray the feelings of an anniversary date, but it then occurred to me. I am tired of hiding and being vague.

The normal reaction I get from people who do know, is "that's to bad." To Bad? I don't think that anyone, even readers understand, the violence, the aftermath,or the other events that followed my rape. I don't think they even realize that the organism got convicted with a very harsh felony.

I wrote this for three reasons first, to get it out. Second, if anyone reads this they can relate and know they are not alone or that there situation is not that bad. Third, I want to be heard, I want the world to know the organisms name and what it did.

Sooooo........ I decided to let it all out from beginning to end.

Here we go:

In the early morning of May 18th 2008, 2 days before my birthday, the organism kicked in my apartment door while I was in bed. The struggle started from there, words were exchanged while the rape was happening. During the rape, the organism, bit my nipple, at first I thought it was gone, blood squirted, and at that moment I became aware that I may not live through this. That bite left me permanently scarred.

I rape continued, anally then vaginally. I screamed for help over and over. The location of my apartment was between 3 establishments, I know someone heard me, but no one came. The last words from the organism before he finished was "I am going to cum inside you and get you pregnant." Apparently he had a motive.

When it finished the organism just rolled off me and I was able to get up. I yelled at it to leave. The organism seemed very calm and stated it would leave but had to put on its shoes. Odd now looking back. I yelled to forget the shoes and screamed to get out.

After I heard it walk onto the balcony, I went to the door to lock it and there was no door frame, the organism kicked straight through the deadbolt. I grabbed my cell, locked myself in the bathroom, and called 911.

I don't remember much about the 911 call or the bathroom. What I do remember was a bunch of men entering my apartment and of course I did not want to go with them. Then a woman entered and from there I next remember the hospital.

The hospital was vague as well. I remember bits and pieces, parts of the rape kit, words that were said. I remember the doctor making a very bad bedside manner comment. I don't think he did it on purpose but at the time it shook me. He stated "boy are these rape kits tedious." Yeah pretty bad. I remember the officer coming in saying they pressed charges, I was confused, I thought if anyone I would have to press the charges, but no. What I remember the most was that the woman stayed with me through the entire hospital exam. That was not part of her job, but she did and I will never forget that.

The rape itself was bad enough, but the following incidents that occurred, are alot to imagine. Even if I step out of myself, I can't believe it.

After the hospital, I was dropped back off at my apartment, with no door, alone. Yea, even I know that's asking for trouble.

The day of the 18th, someone fixed my door, I was bound and determined to stay in that apartment and not to let the organism scare me anymore. I also had to have someone drive me 20 miles to a pharmacy to get medication that they did not have at the hospital. Alot to ask of someone who just got raped.

Although the organism was on probation, he got out less then 24 hours after the rape.

The next day I was called into the county attorneys office. During my time there I had to go over it and found out that the officer never got picture of certain things he needed to, the county attorney was not happy. The officer didn't even take the sheets until 5 days later. Now it doesn't take one episode of CSI to know you take evidence right away.

I was warned by the officer, that the organism was dangerous, so my running began. I ran 25 miles away to stay at a friends and then back to my hometown. I stayed there until they revoked its probation and the organism turned itself in.

After that in no particular order the following event occurred.

My family had a scare and did not know where to find me and therefore told me not to speak to them, I did not hear from them for 3 weeks.

I had to return to the apartment to let the officer take pictures and get evidence, this while the organism was still free. I was terrified.

The County attorney did not know how to get my numerous text messages the organism sent me, so I did. They did not know how to get the voicemail off the phone, so I did. They could not find one witness, so I did. Now I don't know how I did it all, I was in overdrive.

I had to move out my apartment with just one person (not family), we did it ourselves. I texted one of my family members if they would help me and the text back was "Naw drinking tonight." It crushed me.

I was put on a disciplinary action plan by my work on May 30th, I worked for a "CARE" facility. I was off work and then fired. I lost the unemployment, they said I resigned. People get unemployment for anything these days but I guess not when your a victim of violent crime. I appealed and lost, I appealed again and we shall see.

When traveling to the town where the rape occurred to get my mail, I got comments by unknown individuals one was " I would rape you to bitch, your hot." That happened while walking into my apartment to get items. As I said in no particular order.

One little blurb was mentioned in the papers about how the organism got arrested and was bonded out. That's it. I am still upset about that. The papers that I have spoken to won't cover it because it has been to long. TODAY IS SIX MONTHS WHAT DO YOU MEAN TO LONG?! Not that I want my name splattered everywhere but come on, why should his name stay clean, why should the community not know.

So I was raped, had to gather information to put the organism away, was fired, denied unemployment, and the organism keeps a clean name. There is more I have forgotten but it is written down, I have a journal.

Oh and I was denied the right to vote because I had no home.

So there is the severity of it! I have asked my friends for donations, a chipin page was made, no one has donated or offered any help except The Rock.


If there is any lawyer, media, or anyone who thinks that just the gist of want I covered is enough contact me, I am tired of hiding.



Victoria Placeo

Sunday, November 16, 2008

EMDR and Rape Victims

My therapist and I start EMDR tommorow. EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a practice for treatment of patients with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Acute Stress Disorder, initially used for veterans. I watched the DVD with her at our last session. As a hypnotherapist, I found the information very interesting.

EMDR was developed by Francine Shapiro in 1987. According to the EMDR website:

"In 1987, Francine Shapiro was walking in the park when she realized that eye movements appeared to decrease the negative emotion associated with her own distressing memories."

The theory behind it can be found here in short the site states:

"Shapiro proposes that EMDR can assist to successfully alleviate clinical complaints by processing the components of the contributing distressing memories. These can be memories of either small-t or large-T traumas. Information processing is thought to occur when the targeted memory is linked with other more adaptive information. Learning then takes place, and the experience is stored with appropriate emotions, able to appropriately guide the person in the future. A variety of neurobiological contributors have been proposed4,5,6,7,8"

This is just a general overview of EMDR for more information you can go to: http://www.emdr.com/index.htm

I really believe it is worth looking into.

I am suppose to write the 10 most traumatic events I can remember for tomorrows session. I will keep you posted on how it works for me.


Victoria Placeo

OMG

Press Association article:

Women 'less sympathetic' over rape
3 hours ago

Sexual jealousy means female jurors are less likely to sympathise with rape victims, Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren claimed.

She said that lawyers defending a man on trial for rape would prefer more women on the jury as they would believe the victim "was asking for it".

Her comments came in a discussion about competition between women in an interview to promote her latest film, Inkheart.

Dame Helen, 63, said: "In a rape case the courts - in defence of a man - would select as many women as they could for the jury, because women go against women.

"Whether in a deep-seated animalistic way, going back billions of years, or from a sense of tribal jealousy or just antagonism, I don't know.

"But other women on a rape case would say she was asking for it. The only reason I can think of is that they're sexually jealous."

Her comments in the Sunday Times Magazine came just a few months after she waded into controversy by speaking about being a victim of date-rape.

Asked if she reported the incidents, which took place when she was younger, to the police, she told GQ: "No, you couldn't do that in those days.

"It's such a tricky area, isn't it? Especially if there is no violence. I mean, look at Mike Tyson. I don't think he was a rapist."

Former heavyweight champion Tyson was sentenced to six years in prison in 1992 for raping a Miss Black America beauty contestant in an Indiana hotel room.


OMG That's All I Got


Victoria Placeo



Saturday, November 15, 2008

All I Have Left The 3 C's

It dawned on me today that I only have a few things left that were not robbed from me. They are my only things, my 2 C's

I have my CAR that gets me to COUNSELING.....

I have my CREDIT CARDS that give me CASH to survive.....

And finally I have my CLOTHES to keep the COLD out......


My 3 C's are the only things I have left. All I have left due to a COCK SUCKING, CRIMINAL, COCKROACH that COMMITTED a CRIME against me.

Also,

I don't have a CIVIL suit because the COCK SUCKING, CRIMINAL, COCKROACH was a CRAP.

I got CANNED by a "CARE" facility leaving me without CASH.

And nobody CARES!!

Yup, it's official, I don't like the letter C anymore.


Have a COLOSSAL rest of the weekend!!



Victoria Placeo

Friday, November 14, 2008

Thank You Nancy Grace!!

I don't care what anyone says about Nancy Grace, I liked her before I was raped and still like her today.

She is straight, to the point, and doesn't mince words. Why am I writing about Nancy Grace?

It was an episode that was aired on November 3rd or 4th, I don't recall which date. Nancy was covering the Jennifer Hudson family murders. By the way, my thoughts and prayers go to that family.

Nancy was speaking to a psychiatrist and got on his case a little (I love it when she stands ground). The issue was about Jennifer Hudson being able to mourn and "get over it."

Nancy told the doctor first off that people may never get over it, but what struck me the most was what she said next.

She explained to the doctor that without Jennifer Hudson having closure on who shot her family, along with the general duties required when someone you love passes, there is no time to cope, there is no time to deal with the emotions.

I figured that out on my own when my symptoms from the rape seemed to get worse after the organism was sentenced. I figured that since I was running around to find a safe place, to meet with the state, to gather my own evidence, to move my things out of my apartment, that I never had time to slow down.

I concurred that not being able to slow down and process what actually happened until after the sentencing was why I was getting worse.

To hear Nancy Grace say that on public T.V. was a relief, a comfort, a feeling that someone understood. I was nearly brought to tears and did cry later. She understood.

So I thank Nancy Grace and the work she is doing. She may never realize how many viewers she effects by her understanding of the pain crime victims go through. I hope one day I will be able to tell my story or someone may read this and I will touch someones life like Nancy Grace touched mine.

Thanks Again Nancy!!


Victoria Placeo

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Fantasy and The Reality

I have been around others often. In fact I try my best not to isolate because I know that could lead to worse things.

I know that I look okay to others. I act okay, I don't bring the rape up much, I strive to make ends meet. That is the fantasy I portray to others.

Oddly enough, that is the fantasy they want, believe, and will keep on pursuing with their interactions with me. No one wants to ask if your okay or if you need anything. I believe they are scared, uncomfortable, or just in denial of rape.

The reality.......the reality is I don't feel okay.........

When I close my eyes at night I see the organisms face.

At least three to five times a week I dream of the organism.

When doors slam where I am staying or loud noises arise, I remember. Although I didn't see it when it happened, I picture my apartment door being kicked in.

I feel very anxious and the panic attacks that I conquered at 23 years of age seem to have crept back into my life.

I don't want to be around people, I don't want to meet new people, and I barely want to see my own friends. People annoy me and make me nervous.

I feel scared and alone.

I feel ugly and extremely insignificant to most people.

I am tired quite often and the littlest things wear me out.

I have developed a stutter once and awhile that is extremely annoying

I am constantly worried about paying bills, reclaiming a normal life, and my trust in humanity is gone.

And finally, although it is years away I fear the organisms release.


There, that is the reality! I carry on normal life, faking it till I make it, wondering if I can keep the fantasy going. Wondering if someone will say you deserve to be heard, I care about your feelings, or just tell me things are going to be alright.

What I believe is the worst thing, is that if I was curled up in the fetal position, people would take note. If I would have died or been beaten to a pulp people would haved care. Very Sad. I am very sad!


Victoria Placeo

Monday, November 10, 2008

I feel no security

Although, I am safe now, and the organism is behind bars, I feel very insecure and on edge.

After losing everything I feel I have nothing solid. I have spoke with the individual who lets me stay with them and they say there is no need to worry, because I can stay as long as I like.

I appreciate that but I feel if I get to be to much of a burden that, that invitation may change. I know they say it won't but my security issues are so high.

I am feeling more anxiety and depression as the days go by. I have been worried about myself on and off (although I try not to) wondering if I will be okay.

I am doing the best I can but my trust, abandonment, and security feel threatened by the thoughts of loss and recurrence. I try to direct my thoughts to the positives of what I have left, but like now, I have huge moments of weakness.


Victoria Placeo

Thursday, November 6, 2008

A Great Song To Describe Life After Being Raped

I am having a really rough one here. I think losing the right to vote cracked me. I am obviously still functionally ( for crap sakes I am righting this).

They say your never alone and although there are many people out there in similar situations. You are alone! Below is how it feels, think about it, put yourself in the situation, please.




Now the lyrics from a rape survivors perspective:

I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

( Although I try not to focus on the pain, there are times when all you have is suffering)
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

(You do try to kill it away, by being productive, redirecting your focus, acting for others to show you are alright. The reality is that everyday, you struggle because your remember the horrific details vividly.)

Everyone I know
goes away In the end

(Friends, Family, Community leave you. Even with a conviction, there is no support, emotionally, mentally, or financially. In fact there is hardly communication. My phone does not ring anymore.)

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt

(Although I am alive which I am grateful for, I have not much left. No home, No Family, No Job, No Security........My empire of dirt.)

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

(Bad memories, abandonment, hopelessness, alone thoughts. I do my best to find the positive, it is way more difficult then I ever imagined.)

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear

(As the time goes on, I do have more and more times of feeling numb. Good, Bad? I don't know.)

You are someone else
I am still right here

(A very powerful lyric. If any of you are suffering or have suffered you know that someone else cannot relate. Although I have asked for help, they are someone else in a happier time. A time I had before the rape. I am still right here unnoticed and ignored.)

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

(I know you can't take back time, but I would. I would have never moved to the little town in 2007. I would have never have payed attention to my surroundings. I would have been my own person away from that community.)


Although your gone Johnny Cash, I am sorry you had to Hurt, and thank you for the song!

Victoria Placeo


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Rape Victim Disenfranchised

AWWWWWWWWWWW RIGHT I'VE HAD IT!!

I went to vote yesterday, to the community where the rape occurred. A community I don't care to go back to right now. Despite my circumstances, I realized the patriotic duty to vote.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..........I went to the place and showed ID.........and here came the question..........current address? NO!

So to clear things up, in May the rape occurred, I left the area I lived in and the apartment, and moved to an area 20 miles away.

I had to stay close due to the criminal proceedings. The area was across state lines into another state. I have the kindest person who stated I can stay here as long as I like.

I did not have physical address in the state I was registered nor in the state I stay in now. Yes, I have no home.

I call the courthouse in the state the rape occurred and explained my situation. The clerks response "sure hope your friends are voting for right person." HaHaHa FUNNY!!!!

So I was disenfranchised, or deprived the right to vote, according to http://wordnet.princeton.edu

Now, I realize that by the law I could not vote due to my displacement. Oh yeah, that's another thing by definition again I am an internally displaced person according to iDMC.

But wait, according to that site, the US is not listed. According to Amnesty International USA, Katrina victims are displaced, which I totally agree. Sooo........AM I AN INTERNALLY DISPLACED PERSON? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW! According to definition I am. If anyone wants to answer that feel free!

Back to it, yes I know I was not denied voting because I was raped, I know there are laws governing voting. Buuuuuuttttttt............

Excuse me if an organism broke in,sexually assaulted me.........AND I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO ESTABLISHING RESIDENCY!!

I thought after the fact (yesterday) I could have voted absentee or mail-in, but nope, don't have a home and do not want to pay any fines for fraud.

SO LET'S TALLY THIS UP:

Lost my right to say no
Lost my sense of security
Lost some self-respect
Lost some self-esteem
Lost my right to press charges (not that I would not of)
Lost my right to want lawyer I wanted (not that they weren't good ones)
Lost my town I just moved to months earlier
Lost my apartment (I have a place to stay, just no home)
Lost my job
Lost unemployment (get to that one in a later post)
Lost my income
Lost some friends
Lost family communication
Lost my trust
Still losing my hair

AND LOST THE RIGHT TO VOTE?!??!!!!! UNFREAKINCREDIBLE!!

Yet, I am still standing........NOT AS A PROUD AMERICAN, BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET TO VOTE!

If there is an official of some sort or a political junkie who reads this, let me know exactly what I am IDP, DP? Could I have voted in some top secret way that everyone else was unaware of?


Victoria Placeo



Monday, November 3, 2008

Rape and Sexual Assault Group

As time goes by it becomes more painful to realize that there are very few who are there for me during this time of recovery.

There were not many in the first place after the rape that were there in my situation.

If my family ever reads this, I will feel awful, but the reality is they were there a little in the beginning, but then it came to a point where I didn't hear from them. I don't hear from them often now.

There were some friends in the beginning, but they have dwindled as well. It makes one lose hope for humanity.

Those who know what happened, know I was violently raped. They know I lost the town I lived in, my apartment, my job, and have no source of income. But yet hardly even a phone call and if there is one, the question "How are you doing" does not even come out.

It is usually to ask me for help or to do something, like go out to a bar. Although, I have been out, I don't consider it a high priority. I want people to care and to help, but I can't make people realize the extent of my situation.

I stood back, last night, and actually took a look at my situation as an outsider might see it. I was floored! I looked at myself and said this girl has lost everything she knew to be her life.

I understand that many rape and sexual assault victims may still have a home, a family to help, friends who care. However, I can't help but think of the many who do not and how they feel.

It is extremely difficult to deal with just the aftermath of being raped, but to lose most everything else is a burden no one should have to bear.

You realize that if those people don't care now, in a desperate time of need, they never will. You reevaluate your friends and family and realize that if they only want you around for good times, then why keep them.

It is painful, however out of the pain I did create something for others. I created RASA Survivors a rape support group or social network, where survivors can befriend one another.

RASA Survivors is a network where sexual assault and violent crime victims can unite and develop friendships and share survival ideas.

The sexual assault support group is also for secondary survivors. Not only do they know how to work with a violent crime survivor, but they can get support as well.

RASA Survivors is a social network and it is my hope that it will help many including myself. The site can be found here http://www.rasasurvivors.com



Victoria Placeo