Sunday, December 28, 2008

My 1st Christmas After the Rape

I started this post with the line " I'm going to try and not be negative" then I realized this is my blog, Christmas was hard, and I'm going to share it.

If anyone cares not to read it that is their choice. However, I write this for one main reason. Survivors of rape, sexual assault, or any violent crime, may someday be searching for answers. If my one post about how the holidays after rape, helps someone, that's enough for me.

I didn't really touch on my first thanksgiving but it was not the best either. I went into Christmas mentally prepared I thought, knowing what my family is like in regards to what happened. Not prepared enough, I'm afraid.

In my families eyes I believe it is easier for them to pretend it did not happen. It is not talked about, I am not asked how I am doing in regards to it, etc.

Now, I am not saying they need to coddle me. In fact, I believe that would be the worst thing for me or any victim. Recognizing it did happen, and recognizing there are repercussions is different.

My Christmas:

I traveled to my hometown on Monday the 22, I was tired the whole ride down and really wanted to just come back to where I was staying.

My sister got engaged on the 21st and that was the main talk. As it should be, but it is so hard to be happy for someone who has ignored your needs in a horrendous time. I did my best and I faked it tilled I made it. Don't know if I did make it, but oh well.

My other sisters birthday was on the 21st as well, so on the 23rd the family had planned to go out to eat. Yeah out to eat, 2 days before Christmas, you could imagine my thrill of dealing with all the people.

Due to my therapists advice, she stated that I did not have to do anything I did not want to at this time. My job now was to take care of me. What did I do, I met the family at the house, decided to drive myself, which I received a death look for, and went to the restaurant. It was an hour wait with tons of people, uncomfortable, yes to say the least!

On Christmas eve, I went to my parents house and did the usual, ate, open one present, and drank. Comments were made in joking matter. My engaged sister had a scratch on her face, my other sister asked how she got it. The reply " Boyfriend got mad" and laughter. Not funny, I'm right here.

A joke was made about pedifore (cakes). Someone called them pedophiles and referred to another treat as molestees. I laughed thought it was funny and then realized how unfunny it really was.

There was more, the loudness, the slams, all made in jest but just not funny.

The Results:

-I was extremely fatigued the entire visit
-I was hurt numerous times throughout the entire visit ( I don't believe intentionally)
-My disassociation happened often. I would go away, aware of it, hearing everyone, but it was so comfortable not to be in the present with them, that I stayed until addressed by a attendee at the house
-I wanted to leave, could care less about the presents and being around family
-I wanted to be alone
-I felt no joy, no matter how hard I tryed to look at the positive

Bottom line:

Holidays are not the same thus far. They are just another day, nothing to look forward to and I would rather not participate.

What I learned:

-I have to take care of me now no matter whom I offend.
-I cannot be around people , family included, that expect me to be a certain way. I just don't care about their needs over mine, nor should I.
-Holidays are not about the presents, festivities, it is who you are with.
-I believe that everyday should be a holiday, at least treated as one. Don't look at the holiday as something to look forward to but everyday!

I hope you have a Happy Holiday Season!



Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Holidays after Rape

I never really went into how my thanksgiving went, but now that is gone so I will just focus on now.

Today is Christmas Eve. I traveled to my hometown Monday for this holiday. All month I was debating on going or not going. I love my family very much, but with the lack of communication with them, the idea of spending time with them brought many thoughts and feelings.

Feelings of anxiety, avoidance, etc. I am here now and I have been exhausted ever since my arrival. I have had a roller coaster of anger, sadness, stress, and extreme fatigue. Yesterday, I realized that I would rather be alone.

The holidays always add some element of stress each year to most, whether its family , driving, or whatever. I must say that this feeling is much, much different. I feel silent, nothing to say, soooo very tired. I think to myself it must be depression but I don't know. It could be the cold weather.

As I said I love my family, but being around them brings to many negative feelings to me. Although they do not acknowledge (or ever have) my incident or symptoms, I don't think it is all that.

Back when the rape and legal proceedings occurred, they weren't there to much and did not call much. As I have posted in the past at times words were exchanged from both ends that were not very nice.

Because of this I developed a mindset that I did not have a family anymore and surprisingly enough it worked. It brought me tremendous relief. Now that I am here I do not feel as if they are family, perhaps friends maybe. And at this point not the positive friends I want around.

That's all I really have to say now. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!



Victoria Placeo

Monday, December 22, 2008

Don't Cry Victoria-Don't Feel Bad

Once again music explains better then I could ever right. Although I doctored the lyrics below, it is pertinent always. Another 80's tune thank you White Lion!!




When The Children (victims)Cry :

little child (victim)
dry your crying eyes
(depression)
how can I explain
the fear you feel inside
(horror)

cause you were born
into this evil world
where mas is killing man
and no one knows just why
(hurting, killing, raping, no difference all bad)
what we (did he) have become
just look what we (he has) have done
all that we (he) destroyed
you must build again

when the children (victims) cry
let them know we tried
cause when the children (victims) sing
then the new world begins
(healing is singing, a new life will begin)

little child (victim)
you must show the way
to a better day
for all the young (victims)
cause you were born
for all the world to see
that we all can live
with love and peace
(I want to make a difference for all whom suffer from violent crime)
no more presidents (criminals)
and all the wars (crime) will end
one united world
under god
(Peace, recovery, new life)

when the children (victims) cry
let them know we tried
cause when the children (victims)sing
then the new world begins
what have we (has he) become
just look what we(he has) have done
all that we (he)destroyed
you must build again
no more presidents (criminals)
and all the wars (crime)will end
one united world under god
(GOD)

when the children (victims) cry
let them know we tried
when the children (victims)fight
let them know it (is) ain't right
when the children(victims) pray
let them know the way
cause when the children(victims) sing
then the new world begins
Victoria Placeo







Friday, December 19, 2008

Caylee Anthonys Latest News

I have been watching Nancy Graces coverage of the Casey Anthony/ Caylee Anthony case. It is sad to but not surprising to find out that the skeletal remains of Caylee are found and identified. The news was released by Associated Press:

DNA tests confirm remains are Caylee Anthony

1 hour ago

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — Orlando authorities say DNA tests confirm the skeletal remains recently found in the woods belong to missing toddler Caylee Anthony.
A county medical examiner said at a news conference Friday that the remains match Caylee's DNA profile, and that the death is considered a homicide.
A utility worker stumbled upon the remains last week, less than a half-mile from where the girl lived. Caylee had been missing since June.
Caylee's mother, 22-year-old Casey Anthony, was indicted in October on first-degree murder and other charges, even without a body. She has insisted that she left the girl with a baby sitter in June, but she didn't report her missing until July.
A search team said they did not check the wooded area sooner because it was
submerged in water.
What does this have to do with me and rape, really nothing. But, I have been watching the case and I've had many thoughts:
1. My comparison between who did this to Caylee and the organism. I will not say whom I think is responsible for Caylee Anthonys death, but I will say they are extremely sick much like the organism who raped me.
2. The grandparents George Anthony and Cindy Anthony. My heart goes out to them and at time I was/am extremely jealous that a Casey has such support from her parents. I was not to blame for the organisms actions but my parents act like it was/is nothing.
3. The news reports of what Casey Anthony is getting in jail. Is the organism getting good stuff in jail , while I go to food pantry's?
There are many more thoughts I have but the bottom line of this post is Caylee.
Although I did not know her, she deserves to be remember and my thoughts and prayers go out to the family.
Pray for the Anthony's regardless of your opinions, everybody hurts
Victoria Placeo

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Fighting For Your Civil Rights Is Hard

The organism went to prison due to the rape, any many say justice is done. I can see that point of view. However, what about after the rape?

What about the mental trauma, what about the loss of home and community, what about the loss of the job, what about the loss of unemployment........... I am going to stop at "what abouts" the unemployment and dwell on that for a second.

People leave there jobs and do not come back and get unemployment, people get fired for bad behavior and get unemployment. Soooooooo........ I get raped, work for a freakin "CARE" Facility, get fired, appeal unemployment twice and don't get it. SOMETHING HORRIBLY WRONG WITH THIS.

Moving on....... so I got the notice on the 15th that once again I was denied unemployment. Do I appeal again or let it go?

Next, another commission picks up my case and I have fill out a lot of information, so they can investigate.

WAIT, it is more then that, the doctors I have seen , seem to be a having a WEEEE BIT O TROUBLE getting me my records. One doctor in particular, did they not do the recording at the time?

I am not talking about I call and don't get it right away. The last time I requested it for victims assistance it took 8 weeks! That's right 8 WEEKS..........THAT'S NUTS!

So I have to right a novel with the hopes that this commission will see that after someone breaks into someones apartment and rapes them they might have some problems and should not get fired for it.

If this commission does not find that this was unjust, I will go over the edge. I mean they practically ask for freaking DNA sample.

QUESTION: How far should I go to achieve personal justice? ( I really would like an answer)

And in regards to the organism going to prison and justice is served. Really, I don't know. The organism doesn't have to worry about where it is going to live, what it is going to eat, or how it is going to live.

Got answers, suggestions, smart remarks, anything? Let me know.



Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

EMDR with Rape Victims

I had my second session today with EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

I will back up to my first session and then continue in the next post. First session consisted of developing a safe place.

As a hypnotherapist, this was not hard to do. I did not necessarily call it a safe place but just an image to relax, my perfect place.

My safe place was a tropical area with a waterfall. It is the perfect temperature, no insects, and complete solitude.

In the first EMDR session, my therapist told me to think of my safe place. While I was doing this she moved her fingers back and forth while my eyes followed.

She would stop and ask me if I noticed or felt anything new, which I did. I felt calmer throughout the safe place process and began to notice different things. The colors became more vibrant. The flowers got brighter, waterfall became more blue, it was a very relaxing experience.

My therapist advised me to practice this safe place whenever I felt uncomfortable. She also showed me how to tap my legs in sets to get a similar effect of eye movement.

I did practice and at time when I had control to do it, it did calm me.

I was intrigued by EMDR and the safe place session. However, I had doubts about how this process could help me with trauma.

If you want to find out more about Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing you can go to: http://www.emdr.com/



Victoria Placeo

Monday, December 15, 2008

I DON'T GET IT

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND AN ORGANISM KICKED IN MY DOOR AND VIOLENTLY RAPED ME!

FRIENDS AND FAMILY I WAS RAPED, WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED YOU! I DIDN'T STUB MY TOE, I WAS RAPED!

I NEED YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I LOVE YOU ALL, WHERE ARE YOU?




Victoria Placeo

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Input From Secondary Victim- The Rock

The Rock, the main secondary victim of my rape, emailed me this. I call him The Rock because he was and is my only main support after the rape.

The Rock and I attended his Christmas party together on Friday night. I had a flashback during the end of the night, while at the party. I don't recall much about the flashback except I kept seeing big hands and felt tremedous fear.

The Rock, also a member of RASA Survivors had this input about the night and what followed it:

We were at a party that my boss was giving for Christmas. I know that Victoria sometimes has a difficult time with crowds of people that she doesn’t know, but some of my friends from work that she knows were going to be there too, so we figured it would be ok to go.

Toward the end of the night she had a flash back. It didn’t last long, maybe a minute. She had a very terrified freaked out look that two of our friends noticed. They didn’t know what was going on with her, and since it was a party didn’t think that it was anything serious. She apologized for spacing out and they apologized for acting the way they did. Later that night she apologized to me for embarrassing me in front of my friends. I assured her that it was no embarrassment and wanted her to know that she and her well-being were the most important things to me.

Fast forward to today. My friend asked me what was wrong with Victoria last night. He knew of the rape, but not really about the aftermath. I explained to him about the violence, the bruising and the pain. I told him that the Organism was caught and convicted and is serving time. I told him about the night mares and flash backs that plague Victoria on a daily basis.

I asked him what Victoria has asked me… “What do you think that It (the organism) was thinking that night?” He didn’t know. He, much like most men and like me, find the act of rape the most reprehensible thing that one can perpetrate on another person and beyond their comprehension. “They should hang him by his b***s. That piece of sh** doesn’t deserve to be in public.” I couldn’t agree more.

We as men, real men, not like the organism, need to be more aware of rape. The response of “That’s too bad” when rape happens doesn’t cut it. These are real people that have everything sacred taken from them. Rebuilding feelings of safety and security once they are shattered are two of the toughest things anyone can do. And we as men need to educate ourselves on the after effects of rape, because it is not always some nameless, faceless person that we can respond “That’s too bad” When it’s our mother, sister, wife, girlfriend or other loved one. We need to be prepared.

-The Rock


I had no idea that The Rock felt this way about men being aware of rape. I couldn't agree with The Rock more.

Before the rape, I a female, thought it was an awful thing. I never however put my whole mind into what the rape victims may be experiencing or what they may endure afterwards.

Although it may seem "too bad" that it happens to many, The Rock is correct in saying that men and I will add women, need to think "what ifs".

What if the rape victim was your wife, girlfriend, sister, etc. Think about it, then you may have more compassion. Compassion not only for rape victims, but for any violent crime survivors.




Victoria Placeo

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Dreams and Nightmaresafter the Rape

I have had many nightmares recalling the rape. At times it is a total reenactment other times it is just a violent dream with bits and pieces of the organism and the acts that took place.

The interesting part and disturbing are the dreams of the organism. I will use my last nights dream as an example.

The organism were talking with one another calmly, almost as if we were good friends. The organism was telling me why it did what it did. It stated that since we had been dating ( I dated the organism and broke up with it about a week before it broke in.) and we had had sex before that it was difficult for it to be sure if I was being serious about saying no. This was a lengthy part of the dream but over and over it went back to since we were dating before it could not differentiate if I was serious.

I was kind to the organism, empathizing from where it was coming from. I started to believe in my dream that it was a mistake and the organism didn't mean to do what it did.

Then my dream flashed to certain family and friends who were criticizing me for even speaking to the organism. I felt very hurt by this and was thinking in my dream that I was just trying to be a good person.

The dream then flashed back to the organism and I speaking about its misconception of me saying no. Suddenly I changed. I got loud and said to the organism" a person does not kick in someones door, bite them to the point of scarring and hold there head in place when they are screaming for help."

After I stated this the organism looked remorseful, guilty, and could not justify those actions. and then I woke up.

People look at dreams many ways. My interpretation is this:

In general I don't like to dislike anyone, I want to see the best in people. I feel an element of guilt because the organism is in prison. Rationally I know it belongs there, but emotionally I feel as if it is my fault it is there.

I did date the organism and I did love it. I was not in love with it, I am only in love with one person, but none the less I loved and cared for the organism. I cared enough that a month before the rape I actually three-way called the organism to the doctor because it was sick and it was not going to call on its own.

The change in mood and assertiveness, is me trying to take back the control, putting it on the organisms shoulders, and justifying the fact that what the organism did was wrong.

As far as friends and family go. I believe that comes from my support group, which are few. They mean no harm, but they dislike my family and friends who have not been around for me. They really don't even know them. Sadly to say I believe they have that right. Shocked by the lack of support through all of this, in their minds I believe they wonder why I would even go on loving and being there for those who are not there for me.

The nightmares and dreams haunt me the entire next day and sometimes for weeks. I guess the only positive spin I can put on it is that maybe my dreams are just trying to work things out in my brain.


Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I Feel Worthless

I feel horrible about myself. I feel like giving up on my dreams, hopes, and aspirations. I feel I am not capable of doing anything correctly. I feel like a burden to all I met.

To sum it up.........I don't know why I am here and why the organism didn't finish the job.



Victoria Placeo

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Cruel Summer After Being Raped

Since the year is almost over I could not let the song that describes my summer go unheard. Yes, a cheesy 80's song but so fitting to the summer I endured. Unfortunately, they do not have Cruel Winter............





Cruel Summer
Bananarama
Words & Music: Sarah Dallin - S. Jolley - T. Swain - Siobhan Fahey - W. Wood

Hot summer streets
And the pavements are burning
I sit around
Trying to smile but
(Trying to smile at the good)
The air is so heavy and dry
(The weight of the rape and criminal process was heavy)

Strange voices are saying
(Lawyers, victims advocate, therapists)
(What did they say)
(Can't focus and even if I could have the lingo is confusing and unknown to me)
Things I can't understand
(I didn't get it, all the terms)
It's too close for comfort
(No comfort)
This heat has got
Right out of hand
(The rape, the charges, my life, was out of my hands)
It's a cruel, (cruel,) cruel summer
(Worse summer of my life)
Leaving me here on my own
(Friends and family almost gone, I had limited support)
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel,) cruel summer
Now you're gone
(Everybody leaves when your not fun anymore)

The city is crowded
(Summer resort town)
My friends are away
(my friend are not here)
And I'm on my own
(alone)
It's too hot to handle
So I got to get up and go
(I go places do things, I have to do things, I can't handle it all)

It's a cruel, (cruel), cruel summer
Leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel,) cruel summer
Now you're gone
(Same as above)

Your not the only one
(For craps sakes stop thinking about yourself I NEED YOU!)

It's a cruel, (cruel), cruel summer
(Leaving me) leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel,) cruel summer
Now you're gone
(Same as above)

It's a cruel, cruel summer
Leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, cruel summer
Now you're gone
(Same as above)

Your not the only one
(I NEEDED AND NEED YOU!)

It's a cruel, (cruel), cruel summer
(Leaving me) leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel,) cruel summer
Now you're gone
(Same as above)
Your not the only one
(Selfish Pukes)

It's a cruel, (cruel), cruel summer
(Leaving me) leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, (it's a cruel,) cruel summer
Now...
So there you go my summer and it's not over!
Victoria Placeo



Sunday, December 7, 2008

Rape and Hormonal Problems

My posting have gone down due to my recent physical problems. Hormones and lack of menstrual cycle seem to be the issue.

This is the summary of what my hormones and menstrual cycle have been like since the rape.

I was put on plan B the morning of the rape, I bleed for six weeks following. I had a period at the end of July and August, and have not had one since.

Since the 20 on November, I have been nauseous, had breast tenderness, feels like cramping but no period,I am extremely tired, and am so moody I am pissing myself off. NO, I'M NOT PREGNANT!

I have never had bad PMS symptoms, and these three weeks have been awful. I cannot focus, I tired, and I fall into a depression easily. I can't seem to find answers and the doctor I have seen just says its because of the plan B. It's three weeks now and its awful.

It feels like everything I have done to overcome my trauma thus far is gone and it is now magnetized by a million.

I wrote this post for two reasons. First, if there is a survivor out there who has the same problem they know they are not alone. Second, I want answers, so if there are any people who find sites on the issue, have heard of such a phenomenon, or have any input I would greatly appreciate it.

Victoria Placeo

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I can't plan anything

I posted days ago about future posts I was going to make. I realize that I can not make that kind of planning.

It does not just go for blog posts it goes for everything. As far as blogging goes, early in the day I know what I want to write about. I work on other things and then my emotions change and I find something else to write about. I don't do that either.

Finally, it is the end of the night and I am down and unmotivated and realize I have not written all the things I wanted to....then I feel bad about myself, and a slacker.

I feel I should be stronger and that I will get no where if I let memories, depression, and lack of motivation control me.

I can't stop it. I am doing the right things, it just seems to continue.

I also feel that I can not plan other events. When it comes time, I have anxiety and I never no what my mood will be.

I feel like I should have more control. I just don't seem to right now.

I put intense pressure on myself and by doing that my emotions get worse. The minute things look up I flop to a down patch.

If anyone of you are experiencing this, it is probably normal. I see my counselor tomorrow. She will probably assure me that it is normal. Well, I DON'T LIKE NORMAL!!!!



Victoria Placeo

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Lull Of Depression After Rape

Some days, like today, I try to get motivated. I get up, I do the usually getting ready routine, I treat it like a business day.

But.......there is a weight over me. A feeling of nothingness. I am not tired, not awake, not hungry, not happy, not sad, don't want to sit, don't want to stand....etc..etc...etc...

The only thing I can think to do is keep switching tasks but none of them are done highly effectively.

The weight of nothingness, is worse then feeling I believe.



Victoria Placeo

Monday, December 1, 2008

A Late Thanksgiving

This was the original post I was going to publish on Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving was awful and I will go into it in another post. Today, I am having a fairly good day so, I am going with the original post.

People have asked me how I can hold it together after a rape and numerous losses. Well since this is about Thanksgiving I will explain what I do.

When I have memories, flashbacks, I see a vehicle that looks the organisms, I instantly lose it. I stop and I think. I pick one tiny good thing out of what the organism did to me.

Now.......I know what your thinking, Victoria has lost it. When I say pick one good thing out of what the organism did, I mean one good thing that came from it's actions.

When I have explained this to people, they ask, what good has come from being raped, going through the legal system, and losing everything you had.

I just give them examples to help explain, here are some:

If the rape did not occur, I would never had really known who would be there for me and who would not.

If the rape did not occur, I would never fully understand the loss and fear my past patients felt or others in a similar situation.

If the rape did not occur, I would have not realized that I am not the one with the major issues in my family.

If the rape did not occur, I never would have valued my home, my job, my community, my income, my friends to the fullest extent that one should.

Those are just a few examples of how I try to pull myself out of the depression and loss. It is what keeps me going.

So although late, I encourage you right now, to pick one good thing from an area of your life that you think is not going well. It really lightens the load.

Over the next few days I am going to give thanks for the people who have been there for me and in a world of abandonment made time to respond to me. Hopefully, some of them and what they do will help you!

I hope you had a great Thanksgiving



Victoria Placeo