Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Insomnia after Rape

I am in real suffering here. I did not sleep well before the rape, but now it is nearly impossible.

Oddly enough it has gotten worse as time goes on, quite the opposite of what I thought. I thought as time goes on it would get better.

There are three aspects to my sleep problem.........

First, I don't get tired I lay down and cannot sleep.

Second, I fear sleep, I just have an uncertain fear about going to sleep. Now the obvious states that I would fear sleep because I was in bed when the organism kicked in the door.

However, it is just a generalized anxiety about the sleeping, I don't consciously think about the organism when it is bedtime, I do not think that if I fall asleep someone is going to get me.

With this aspect I believe that my unconscious mind is on overdrive or terrified. With current beliefs I hold on spirituality and and the mind, I have trouble with the fact that I can fix that.

Third, I dream of the organism, the town, the apartment, the old job and the employees. I don't want to dream. I feel like I just jumped out of a Nightmare on Elms Street movie, where they are all trying to stay away.

Most of these are dreams, conversing with people, while feeling uncomfortable. While others are nightmares of the rape and my ex-coworkers heckling me.

The organism dreams make sense, when I started to think about the co-worker dreams they make sense as well. I got fired on medical leave due to the rape. It is now in civil hands and I suppose I fear seeing them around, and some element of guilt, although I did nothing wrong.

Along with this something knew has started happening. I hear slams when I close my eyes, much like the sound of the organism kicking the door in. I also see its face when I close my eyes. I don't think I need to analyze that one.

To top this all off, I cannot take sleep aids. I have what called a Paradoxical reaction and have had it since I was young, you can read the definition here . So that puts a wrench in things.

I am exhausted, weak, and fatigued all day, and at this point I don't have a clue of what to do.

As I have stated in the past I am a hypnotist and can do self-hypnosis but I believe I am too close to the issue, I am trying to find one in the area to help.

I have looked briefly on issues regarding sleep problems after rape and have not found many sources, but I guess they would not have to document that to much because I assume it would be a given.

I did find this article entitled "ptsd and rape trauma sydrome" I will keep the lookout and if anyone has any suggestions feel free to email me.


Sleep well


Victoria Placeo


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

SEEING THROUGH THE EYES OF ANOTHER: THE GIFT OF EMPATHY!

I received this in email and thought it was so very true..............learn and enjoy!

SEEING THROUGH THE EYES OF ANOTHER: THE GIFT OF EMPATHY!


Nick Ralls

I step into the shoes and try to understand all those who come into my life... realising they come into my life for a reason. I learn the art of empathy so that I can imagine, feel and accept the experience and feelings of others and, therefore, love them more.

IF we are to love other people we need to step into their shoes... see the world from their eyes.
With that comes understanding.. true understanding
How often are we judgmental, fearful, ignorant because we cannot see, for the life of us, another's point of view?

If we are to genuinely love people we need to learn the art of empathy. Empathy is basically our ability to imagine, feel and accept the experience and feelings of others.

I believe we were given the gift of imagination so that we could see into the inner worlds of others... to show love and understanding.

And we have the gift of our feelings which means that we can feel at one with another. We can see into the heart of another.

When we wish to understand and, therefore, love another we need to set aside our own personal judgments, opinions and advice.

If not we might be led into temptation... we might try to mould them, control them or distance ourselves from them when that might not be our intention.

Instead we need to open our mind and heart...

So let us step into the shoes of another.. float into their body...imagine we are them, looking at the world through a different pair of eyes.

We need to tell our critical mind to take a walk while we picture ourselves in the circumstances of another, experiencing their own struggle and fears, feeling their feelings.

It can help to recall as much as we know about the person's life history... what they went through as a child..what they have had to face in their life.. where their insecurities lay.

And when we can see into a person in that way, we can love them deeply and meaningfully like never before....

We can then truly feel at one with them.... not apart or distant from them.

If we are to live from the heart it can be a good practice to regularly practise empathy with the people who come into our life.. we can seek to understand those who make us fearful or irritate us as well as those whom we adore.

In that way we can love all people...and we can take ourselves out of fear and more into love!

So dear and special friend.. I recognise my oneness with you... I love you for being in the world and I wish that we can step out of fear into love.. more and more.


I agree and hope empathy spreads. I hope to step out of fear into love and I hope you can to!

Victoria Placeo



Monday, January 26, 2009

After Effects of EMDR Session

I had another EMDR session and this time it was very different.

We started with a memory from childhood. Now it was not a pleasant memory, however when I think about it , it never really bothers me.

I will nutshell it for you......... I was for or five years of age and a male babysitter took me into the bathroom, exposed himself, and tried to get me to play a game. I did not want to and tried to get out of the bathroom and few times, I did, and I hid till my parents came home.

In this session we started with this memory, I don't have a clear understanding of why we start back so far, but we do.

I began to picture it and she would do repeating back and forth eye movements while I recalled the event. She would stop and ask if I noticed anything. I noticed a sense of panic, and a repeating cry that "I want my Daddy", also I felt like I was going to get in trouble.

She then directed me to focus on that feeling and did sets of eye movements again. I felt guilty, the anxiety lessened and I still heard "I want my Daddy".

Before I go on my therapist did advise me that many memories would pop up and she described them like at train going by. One would be there then another and another. She also said that some of the memories could evoke strong emotions, which they did.

As I began to focus on the sets again it went from the incident with the babysitter automatically to the rape. I began to feel fear, my eyes welled with tears and I could see the organism kicking in the door. Although I was in bed when that occurred, I still picture what it must have looked like.

I started to panic, and began tapping on my legs, not because I was advised to, just because it was something else to focus on.

When she asked what I felt or saw, I explained, she told me to take a deep breathe and she continued. It worsened, I was tearing up, I saw myself hiding in the bathroom (that is where I hid after the rape, because I had no front door to close) and I heard myself saying "I want my Daddy."

The odd thing is that after the rape I don't recall getting to the bathroom, being in it, or the 911 call. All I could remember was one of the police officers faces.

My therapists continued with the sets and I saw that big face of the officer trying to get me out of the bathroom. It was huge in my mind, just like the babysitters male organ was huge in my mind.

I then flashed to the ER and remember the callous things that were said and the police officer pressing charges. When she asked me what I saw or felt I told her, and profanity was involved. The basis was "What do you mean you pressed charges (the officer) I thought that was my choice.

Many more memories flashed and if any cares to know they can email me. But it did move like a train, very quickly, it was like one memory was attached to another.

I have not been the same since that session, I can't sleep, I see the organisms face when I close my eyes and even sometimes while they are open. I feel much more unmotivated, depressed, and jumpy.

The therapist did warn me that some memories would be brought to the forefront, I did not know it would get this bad.

I am not quitting though, I will do it again the next session and keep you updated.


Victoria Placeo

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Prayers For Bobby

I just got done watching "Prayers For Bobby" a lifetime movie. I only caught the last 1/2 hour but that was enough. Although I have been advised not to watch violent, or emotionally triggering movies I watched the end anyway.

I was brought to tears, so much pain I felt for Bobby, and his mother. As I said I caught the end but in a nutshell, Bobby was homosexual. Although I saw the end what I did catch was that God could heal Bobby and homosexuals were damned, according to the mothers beliefs. Bobby committed suicide, and the mother was in great suffering. She blamed herself, for not supporting, understanding, and condemning Bobby. One statement was that Bobby's death was a result of his parents ignorance.

It hurt me to imagine Bobby with no support being who he really was. I can feel that same pain of not being able to show that I am hurting. I can feel that pain of a family who is not supportive and wants to ignore the fact that my rape did not occur. I can understand that loneliness of feeling that no ones understands, cares, or will ever except me. And unfortunately I completely understand Bobby's desperation, while deciding and achieving suicide.

I can see how a family would not want to accept Bobby being homosexual. I see it in my own family, either they don't want to except it, or they just want to ignore it so it will go away.

Bobby's mother brought hope to me. Although Bobby was gone, she took the time to get an understanding of homosexuality and participated in events to support the homosexual community. I doubt that would happen with my own family, but that's not really the point of this.

This movie strengthened my belief that people need more education about things. It showed me that although people may not care now, about the effects of coming out about being homosexual, or the effects of rape, etc that they certainly will if it happens to them.

I understand that many people do not want to be forced to understand things, or take the extra time to care about someone else who is suffering. But what I think people do not realize is that lack of education, that judgmental attitude, or their inflexible beliefs, are a large part of what brings suffering amongst people and perhaps amongst themselves eventually.

I applaud Bobby's mother and family for getting an understanding, educating themselves, and having empathy and understanding although their son was gone. They went the extra mile to support those like their son, knowing the damage that could occur if they were shunned.

I thank Bobby's family for the their story and for lifetime for making the movie. I suggest that everyone should watch it to see how beliefs can change, with education on any given subject.

And remember a belief is only small fractions of opinions, education, and knowledge compiled into a lump. One more tidbit of knowledge could alter that belief you thought was so true.


Victoria Placeo

Thursday, January 22, 2009

You Gotta Be Freakin Kidding Me........

I came across this story and was shocked, the idea that someone would fake such a thing disturbs me immensely. Thing I got to thinking about the source, the two women involved............ here is the story published on kansascity.com...........after reading it I will share my loving thoughts:

Women faked assault in Waldo garage, prosecutors say


By MARK MORRIS and CHRISTINE VENDEL
The Kansas City Star

Two women concocted a harrowing sexual assault in the Waldo area in November to improve their odds of winning a sexual harassment lawsuit, federal prosecutors alleged today.

They allegedly recruited a man to help them.

One of the women, Julie R. Bernet, 39, of Bucyrus, Kan., and the man, Gordon F. Reabe, Jr., 51, of Lee’s Summit, were charged in federal court with wire fraud.

The other woman, Lindsey Crawford, 23, of Kansas City, was not charged.

Initial reports of the assault stirred anxiety in the Waldo area. Some residents called police and reporters seeking more information and saying they were concerned that they also could be at risk.

Crawford and Bernet told police that they were ambushed by two men after they pulled into Crawford’s garage near 75th and Cherry streets about 8 p.m. Nov. 25.

The men purportedly clubbed each woman with a bottle, knocking out Crawford. Bernet told police that the men tied up the women, sodomized Crawford with a bottle and beat Bernet.

The men then allegedly turned on the car’s ignition in the closed garage and fled without stealing anything. Neighbors called police after Bernet escaped from the garage and knocked on the door of a nearby home with her head.

Police did not disclose the assault report until the first week of December and hinted that they were suspicious about aspects of the incident.

Authorities said the sexual assault was unusual because it involved two perpetrators and noted the lack of an apparent motive. They also said they were trying to determine if the attack was a random assault and whether the men really cut the attack short for fear of being discovered.

Investigators since have concluded that Crawford and Bernet staged a bogus assault to throw suspicion on their former employer, Mercedes Benz of Kansas City, which they sued in March for gender discrimination, sexual harassment, hostile work environment and retaliation.

The dealership and its parent company, Soave Enterprises of Detroit, Mich., have denied the civil allegations in Jackson County Circuit Court.

According to the suit, Bernet worked at the dealer as a sales consultant and Crawford worked as a sales associate. The suit claims that a senior manager at the business made unwelcome sexual advances toward Bernet and asked her out to dinner and proposed that they travel together. The suit also contends that the manager made similar advances toward Crawford.

That suit remains pending.

Reabe allegedly set up and participated in the assault.

See tomorrow’s Star for more on this story.


Okay.........First.........THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT HERE WHO WERE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED!!

Second.......although I would never wish any rape on anyone, if a real assault ever happened to one of these people..........I DON'T THINK I WOULD CARE!!

Third........the crying wolf rape syndrome.........COULD BE PART OF THE PROBLEM.............YA THINK!!

Forth, I envision these people who would concoct such a thing..........AS A BUNCH OF LAZY LOWLIVES, WHO NEED A DENTAL PLAN, LOOKING FOR DRAMA!!!! IN LESSER WORDS........TRASH...........YEAH I WENT THERE!

Have a nice night


Victoria Placeo

Saturday, January 17, 2009

EMDR Second Session

My second session of doing EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, was in December and I am just getting around to it now.

I was not able to meet with my counselor since the first session until this week, so during this session, we just caught up on everything that had been going on.

Before my second session of EMDR I was suppose to list the 10 most traumatic memories from youngest to old. Going as far back as I remember and needless to say I came up with more then 10.

I really had no idea what the memories from childhood up to the rape had to do with my recovery, but did what I was told.

During the session we first went through my safe place , which was sitting by a waterfall. I blogged about this session in the past, but as a refresher I will cover what my counselor did. She repeated short sets of her moving her finger back and forth while I focused on them. I was suppose to visualize my safe place.

During the second session we chose one of my youngest memories of being in trouble with one of my parents. She asked me to describe what I felt. I remembered that I felt ashamed, guilty, very nervous, and that I was a bad girl. I believe I was 4 or 5 at the time.

My counselor then did the short movements with her fingers back and forth and I was to remember that event from my childhood.

As she did I began to feel panicky and nervous, I felt like crying. She stopped and asked what I felt and then told me to focus on that. The emotions got more intense, I felt extremely scared and had severe anxious feeling throughout my body. She stopped again, asked, and told me to focus again. The feelings this time were lessened, I could see myself in my mind hiding under the bed sleeping. It was like I had given up the fear.

Again the stop, explain, eye movements and focus. This next set I started to feel very anxious and scared, I knew I was about to get in trouble. She stopped and again we restarted, every set after that I felt calm, at ease.

She pointed to a chart between set and at the end. On this chart were numbers and faces of how I was feeling. 1to 10 , good to bad. These were not the exact words on the chart but I cannot recall them now.

When finished I was in shock for a few reasons.

First, I did not realize that I could feel panic and anxiety at such a young age.

Second, I was surprised that I felt calm and all emotions changed after the numerous sets.

Third, I did not realize how afraid of my family I really was at that age.

My counselor explained that at an age of 4 or 5 I could not just say " I feel anxious, or I am afraid of what you might do." Instead it comes out in anxiety.

Now as I write this I want to say I was never hurt by my parents nor did they treat me badly, they were okay parents. The way I felt was what I think to be the anticipation of what might happen.

I would also like to say that after just that one session my relationship with that parent has been different. I am not sure how to explain different, except that it is good.

If you want to find out more about EMDR you can go here: http://www.emdr.com/


Victoria Placeo

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Another Email Sent Out of Care

I received another email from someone who cared enough to try and brighten my day and it did. It contained a story, so relevant to my situation and reminded me so much of The Rock that I had to share it.

Here is that story:

Rahul Visits Ashal In Hospital
April 27, 2007 11:55 AM EDT
Fred Hose

As the sun began to rise, Rahul was allowed to visit Ashal for the first time. Her eyes were closed. As he entered, she stirred and opened her eyes. When she saw him, she closed them again.
Her voice was just louder than a whisper. "Oh, Rahul, please go away! Please, God! Please, Rahul. Go away. I don't want you to see me. Just leave me alone."
He put his hand tenderly on her shoulder.
"Ashal, my beloved, you've been betrayed and violated. You are hurt and broken, but Ashal, when I look at you, I see only your beauty. No one can diminish your radiance. One day you will laugh, sing and dance again. I will be at your side admiring your loveliness. My love for you flies far above all these terrible earthly happenings."

She turned slowly and painfully over to lie on her side facing away from Rahul. He looked at her back but did not move away. He could not leave her.
"Hello, Ashal. I'm still here. I'm not going away until they ask me to leave. I know that you can hear me and so I'm going to tell you a story. It's about the Shepherd Boy and the Yellow Flower.

"You see, this shepherd boy walked along the mountain trail every morning and back again every evening."
"Every morning, he would pass a lovely yellow flower growing next to the path. He would always say: ‘Good morning, pretty flower' and then walk on a few steps. There he would turn around, wave at the flower and then walk on again."
"Every evening, he would return along the same path and would then say: ‘Good night' to the flower."
"One night, after drinking too much, a drunken man stumbled along the same path and roughly put his clumsy boot on the yellow flower. The next morning, the shepherd boy came joyfully walking along the path, as he always did. He stopped his whistling when he saw how his flower had been trampled. He sat down next to it and began to straighten out its stem, leaves and petals. For the first time ever, the flower spoke. ‘Young boy, I'm broken.' He quickly answered: ‘No, no, pretty flower. Only the dwelling, in which your soul lives, has been damaged. Your soul is still as beautiful as before.'"
"That evening, when the boy came walking down the path again, he looked at the flower. It was as lovely as ever. He smiled. ‘I told you your soul has remained as lovely as ever!' "
"The flower smiled. ‘Thank you, my friend. I'll see you tomorrow, as usual.' "

First, she was completely quiet. After a while, he heard her softly calling his name.
"Yes, Ashal."
"Rahul, just sit there near me. You can go whenever you want to. I want to sleep now. They've given me drugs, you know."
"I'll be here, Ashal. You can go to sleep now."


I am unsure if this story is true and I do not know if it is about rape, nor do I care, it is to me. I do feel crumpled, and very broken. The organism was drunk and did trample me. I could not find a better story to relate to my situation.

The Rock is Rahul and The Shepherd boy, he has always been my strength. He has had the encouraging words when I am down and ashamed.

Thank you Fred Hose for writing it and thank you so much for the individual who emailed it to me.


Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Email Restores Faith In Humanity

I received an email at the end of December 2008 from and individual who has been reading this blog. I read and cried. Never throughout this whole ordeal has anyone reached back out to me. Someone who actually to the effort to take time out of their life to write to me knowing I was suffering.

Here is that email entitled "a kind word":

Where should I begin? My name is ____ and by circumstance I came upon your blog yesterday through www.digg.com. I am not the type of person that replies to blogs or needs to make my opinion known. In general I would describe my browsing habits as that of a spectator, I read but never participate. I felt compelled to write you because I tossed and turned in bed last night thinking about your blog and what happened to you. I have known several woman that have been either raped or molested (my wife in fact was molested when she was younger) and I have witnessed how traumatizing it is even years later.

I find it difficult to find the words to express how much I admire the courage you show in light of all that happened. I feel the need to elaborate on that point because having grown up with severe depression I understand at least that part of what you are going through. You talk regularly about how lost, alone and helpless you feel, perhaps it may seem counter intuitive that I would then admire your courage, but as I see it exposing your pain and suffering in the hope that someone else in your situation may benefit is the greatest type of courage. I feel that many people mistake courage as the absence of fear, I don’t find that to be correct. I believe courage is showing strength in spite of fear.

When I was younger I often battled with thoughts of suicide, most days all I really wanted to do was roll up into a ball and become invisible as if somehow that would make things better. I think people have a hard time understanding depression. It is one thing to talk about it, but another to have to experience it. Pain is tangible (it hurts here, put a band aid on it and make it better) depression is more like a dull, unrelenting ache all over your body with no apparent source. You can’t go to a doctor and ask him to fix it, I’ve tried, from my experience all they can do is give you drugs and send you home. If those don’t work they give you different drugs and tell you to try again. Therein lies the desperation, you want more than anything to shake the feeling and just be normal but you haven’t the slightest idea how. The worst part is even though I fought it most of my childhood up until several years ago I can’t tell you anything that can make it go away. The answer is some unique combination of time, and the right mix of good things in your life to tip the scale back in your favor. The only thing I can offer that has even a small chance of making a difference is this, even though I am a stranger to you and you don’t know me from Adam, I care about what has happened to you.

I agree that it would seem that most of humanity has jumped off the deep end and lost any sense of compassion or common sense that, in fact the very things that separate us from the animals, but not all hope is gone. I’ve found, as it sounds you are finding, that most people are unreliable at best. On a good day they can’t be counted as much more than a buddy or acquaintance. Yeah they are there when you want to party or go see a movie but need help with something other than leisurely activities and they are a no show. That being said there are the rare individuals that have the ability to see beyond themselves and recognize that there are other people in the world and their actions can directly influence those people, and their well being. I think it is a monumental occasion when you actually find one. It sounds like you have been fortunate enough to find a couple during this hard time. I thought at the very least I could extend the offer of a willing ear in the chance that you should need someone to talk to in addition to those you already have.

In conclusion I’m hardly rich but maybe I could send you some gas money from time to time or help buy some groceries. I’m sure I’m not the person you wanted to say this but I would like to know how you are doing, and if there is anything I can do for you. In addition I saw your site for RASA survivors and I thought at the very least I could extend the offer if you ever want any help administering your site I am a security engineer (basically I keep the hackers out) and I work on Photoshop and web design projects on the side from time to time. It would be my pleasure to help you with anything you need in that regard. I wish there was more I could do but seriously if you ever just need someone to talk to I would be more than happy to listen.

Warm regards,
_______


I printed this letter and I read it when I am down. This may have seemed to this individual to be just a nice email. However, it was much more then that to me.

It made me feel like I was being listened to, that someone could relate, that someone regardless of whatever is going on in there life, cared enough for my situation.

I want to thank this writer from the bottom of my heart. The email serves as a reminder that even the smallest acts of kindness and care can mean the world of difference to someone in need.

I hope other readers remember this, so if they know someone in need, they can reach out, never knowing what good it could bring.


THANK YOU!!!!


Victoria Placeo




Monday, January 12, 2009

Personal Changes after Rape

Over the past couple days, I have been noticing how I react to people and their actions differently then I used to.

Of course, I realize that one might change after a trauma such as rape. However, it bothers me when I have these reactions automatically. Then the bother of it eats at me and I feel guilty, then I try to figure out why. All of this leads to a circle of guilt, confusion, and disappointment in myself.

I have two examples, the latter being more prominent in my life.

My first example occurred when I was talking to a friend on the phone. She asked what was up with me because she thought I was hyper.

Now that's an opinion of hers, a belief she had. Before the rape, that is exactly how I would have looked at it, but not now.

I asked why, she gave her reasons, and I had no idea I did see myself as hyper. I was searching for answers to give her. When we parted, I obsessed over and over in my mind why I was acting that way.

Before the rape I would have looked at this as "oh well so you think I'm hyper, I don't remember asking for your opinion." Now, I obsess and try to find answers to justify my each and every move.

The second example, I believe is much more important. I think it is a need that people take notice of , especially if they are involved with a victim. It is the need to be heard.

It is human nature to want to be listened to, taken seriously , and have people affirm what you are saying. Before the rape I recognized that in myself and as a human need.

Now when I am interrupted, blown off, or ignored it takes on a whole new meaning. What I say is not important, people don't listen because I am not important, I am not worth anything because what I have to say is worthless. These are the thoughts that go through my head.

I am no expert psych person, however I believe you don't have to be to realize where this is coming from.

During the rape, the organism, did not listen to my No's , my screams, to It my wants were not important.

My screams for help , if heard by people, were not listened to. No one called for help, no one cared. It is my belief, that people did hear me.

After not being heard, and violated because of it, having people listen and take me seriously is extremely important.

I realize that life if full of interruptions and people who do not care what you have to say and it is my responsibility to overcome this.

However, I believe it is extremely important that people understand that a victim of violent crime, rape, etc. needs to be heard and paid attention to while they are overcoming the trauma.


Victoria Placeo

Friday, January 9, 2009

The little things that never used to stress me out

I am sick with some sort of bronchitis or cold. I am stressed because I don't have the energy to blog how I feel.

I will say that the things that used to not upset me like being sick or not accomplishing things take on a whole new meaning since the rape.

I will thank all of those who have helped me. My goal is to accomplish it by this month. I apologize for my lack of posts. That's another thing, I apologize for everything now. I have been apologizing to people because I am sick.

Rape does a number on you and you keep finding new things as the days go by.

I will post more when I am better.


Victoria Placeo

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Recap of 08 and Happy New Year!

I was going to post this earlier and wish everyone a Happy New Year, however emotions got in the way.

My Recap of 2008 (this part is kinda sucky, it gets better:)

Feb 2008 I got my apartment, in the new town I moved to in late 2007,I loved it, decorated and all
May18 2008 the organism kicked in my door and the assault occurred
May 20 2008 my birthday, need less to say I didn't have one
May 2008 to August 2008 dealing with the state, lawyers, depositions, stress, memories etc
July 9 2008 was fired while on medical leave from the "care facility" I worked at
August 11 2008 the next time I saw the organism at its sentencing
August 11 to current:
Did not get unemployment after 2 appeals
Depression, flashbacks, nightmares, sleep problems etc
Fighting for civil rights through state organizations
Family issues
Loss of friends

Much much more.....but on to the positive .............

I have found a few special people that have been there for me

I found out who would really be there in a time of need

Although I still struggle, I have found a different way of thinking, that I am working on

I got access to the food pantry

I was able to find a counselor who is very good

I sold some of my stuff, therefore giving me income

There have been angels that have popped into my life, and have helped directly or indirectly.

I know that they say there is no time limit on healing but I am trying every approach to survive and live a happy life again, although I miss my old life

I intend to thank each person, that has helped me, added a kind word, etc. It is a chance for me to be grateful and I wont miss that!

Perhaps something I write will help you!!


I hope you had a great holiday season and a great New year!


Victoria Placeo

Friday, January 2, 2009

I was going to write about the postitive New Year....

But I feel bad now. Planning a blog when it is about emotions, struggles, and survival, is really silly.

Bottomline......... I feel worthless, ugly, unimportant, and not as good as others. I do believe that everyone sees me that way. At least I believe that at this point in time.

I am depressed, and trying to reach for positives is useless, for now. I am sure it will change later.


There is not a supportive soul around, does not mean that people are bad, just no one really cares..........and believe me I WISH I WAS OVERREACTING!

I will blog about my happy new year soon


Victoria Placeo