Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Anxiety And General Fear After Rape

I have always had a little anxiety with people, but mostly in my teens and early 20's. Since then I have had bouts here and there, but nothing horrendous.

As far as people went, I did not have much fear of them either. Occasionally, I would get a bit of anxiety before meeting new people, but it depended on the situation.

Now, I have a great fear of people, a silly fear I would call it. I cannot look people in the eyes like I used to. I have anxiety about the funniest ( not funny at the time) things like people sending me and email that may have a bad comment, or people not liking me.

To be perfectly honest, prior to the rape, if someone did not like me that was their deal not mine. Not anymore, I fear people. I don't fear that they will hurt me, it is more my feelings, or that they will get angry. If they do , then I automatically go into fix it , make it better mode.

I panic, I need to fix issues now, I obsess over them, in my mind everything will be okay if I fix everything.

In reality, I know that I cannot fix what others think or feel but now I am overly sensitive to it all.

I try to reframe and say it is there issue, but it doesn't work, not yet anyway. I write about this now because I am feeling a great fear and anxiety.

I believe the only way I can fix it, is if I close the gap so to speak, get my mind off it. I am unfocused and stressed and there is really no reason, I can see for it.

I don't think I am making any sense...........so I am going to stop.


Victoria Placeo

Monday, March 30, 2009

EMDR for Rape and PTSD

Today I had a very exhausting EMDR Session.

For a little review EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing. Here is a nutshell of what EMDR is according to the EMDR Institute:

"EMDR is an information reprocessing therapy
and uses an eight phase approach to address the experiential contributors of a wide range of pathologies. It attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health."

More information can be found here http://www.emdr.com/index.html

As I was saying, the session I had today was tiring. We started by picking a traumatic event in my life. This is an interesting part for me because, the traumatic event does not have to do with the rape.

I picked an event that had to do with a family member while I was in my teens. I was told to pick a negative statement that this event made me feel and then a positive statement about how I would like to feel.

I was then asked to rate the event to how bothersome the event was to me and how true the negative statement was.

My counselor uses sets of movements of fingers going back and forth. I am told to have my eyes follow the fingers, and think of the event.

I have done this before but with this particular situation it was much different. My counselor had told me in the past that memories, thoughts etc, may go into my head, much like a train moving fast. That is a very correct explanation but for this session the train must have been going a million miles an hour.

From this little event with my family member, came more family related events, and then led to the rape. Memories of the rape, words said during the rape, and the feelings of abandonment and fear after the rape.

During this session, my eyes would well up in tears and then, calm. I would have sensations of anxiety and panic, I was angry, scared, and heartbroken, all in one session.

After what seemed to be many sets of back and forth eye movements, I had experienced so many emotions, I was exhausted.

I was asked to reevaluate the beginning memory about the family member. Upon, doing that it was very different, the memory was not negative or emotionally charged but humorous. It is almost as if I was brought to today, the way I think about it now.

Remembering that memory hurt, but today after the session, it did not. It was refreshing, however I got home and had to sleep a bit. The emotional rollarcoaster, although healing, was draining.

So far EMDR seems to help, but there is always something new I find.


Victoria Placeo




Sunday, March 29, 2009

A Round Of Applause For Kylie Freeman

An article caught my eye the other day and I have been thinking about it every since. The article was from The Seattle Times and was entitled " Freeman gets 50 Years For Sexual Abuse."

The article is about Kenneth Freeman who sexual abused his daughter, but I focused mostly on Kylie Freeman, the victim.

The article talked about what Kylie endured, her fear, and bravery of overcoming the fear. Kylie was on the verge of suicide before telling her mother. It seems her family was in full support of her and her trip to survival.

In the article Kylie stated:

"Biologically Ken Freeman is my father, but many years ago he violated his right to be so... ," said Kylie, who spoke at two separate hearings. "Six years of silence, that is how afraid of him I was. But I'm not afraid anymore."

This a true statement of survival and although I do not know Kylie, I am proud. However, Kylie goes a step further. Kylie created a website www.thesafeproject.com, according to the article "to let others know that they are not alone and can heal through talking about their abuse."

This article touched me in so many ways, to see the strength, the desire to help others, and I must admit a bit of jealousy. A bad trait it is but reading about the immense support Kylie had warmed me yet made me want my friends and family support even more.

I created RASA Survivors for the same reason that Kylie did to let others know they can heal and that welcome somewhere.

It would be a great honor to have Kylie Freeman as a member, perhaps someday she will be.


Victoria Placeo


Saturday, March 28, 2009

Mood Changes After Rape

I have noticed, as well as others I am sure, many changes in my mood since the rape.

I knew my shortcomings prior to the rape, and yes of course I had my moods, just like anyone else. This is quite different.

Some days it is just one mood, happy, depressed, indifferent, and edgy. Others alternate frequently throughout the day. I can wake up depressed and be fine in hours or vice versa. I can go from happy, to sad, to angry, to indifferent, and back to happy all in one day.

Now I know that if any Doctor or Psych person were to read that, they would like to slap a mental illness label on it.

However, I am on antidepressants, and as I said I was aware of my shortcomings prior to this. I did have some depression and anxiety, prior to the rape.

At first I concerned myself with a mental problem, but after thinking it through, I realized how much my external environment has to do with it. Some of the days, I could not figure out why I was so depressed or agitated. So I took an evaluation...........

After being raped, losing security, home, job, income, civil rights, etc. I believe many may be a little up and down for a while. When I read further on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Rape Trauma Syndrome, it helped to confirm that perhaps I was just as normal as I should be due to the circumstances.

My conclusion, I want to stop trying to "figure it out" go with the positive emotions and try and redirect myself when they are bad. As I type that I do realize that at times I cannot shake the negatives as easily as I write that I want to. But I will do my best.


Victoria Placeo

Friday, March 27, 2009

Comments on " Love Is: Starring In Your Own Movie"

From my last post on “Love Is: Starring In Your Own Movie” By Nick Ralls, I have pinpointed the parts that hit me the most and why:



“DO you want to be the star of your own movie?
Or do you want a part in someone else's.
This is the burning question of our lives.... are we writing our own script...are we determining our own locations... are we writing in our fellow actors..
Or.... are we being dragged into the dramas of others...being swept away on the paths of others, never to feel we are fulfilling our destiny?”


My fear is that I may have written the script to my rape. Not directly, thinking I want to be raped at this place and this time. I would never want a thing like that. However, I did want to be paid attention too by a man, be the number one thing in that mans life, etc. Perhaps those thoughts invited that man but an unwell one?


“First of all, we are the director and actor of our own life story.. there can be no other way to live a life that works.”


This confirms in my mind that I did write that part of my life. I don’t believe I wanted a violent act to occur, but perhaps my thoughts of an attentive person, and my not so healthy self at the time did bring the organism in?


“And what sort of character do you want to play? Do you want to play the role of victim?”


I want to play the survivor, at times I just feel so weak, lost, and alone. I try to refocus so I can be that survivor but it is easier said then done.


“Or rather would you prefer to be the star... the hero or heroine... the person with love in their heart who makes a difference to their fellow man?"


I feel I am a person with love in their heart, despite what has happened and I want to help others in similar situations in the future.


“The physical pain we can undergo is not nearly so devastating as the emotional pain we endure when we feel apart... feel disconnected... feel unable to communicate through fear.”


This is so very true. The physical pain of the rape is forgettable. The emotional pain of the occurrence, the distance from people and them not being able to relate to me are much worse. The feeling of being unable to communicate through fear is immense especially when telling others what happened and relating to my family.


Victoria Placeo

Monday, March 23, 2009

Love Is: Starring In Your Own Movie By Nick Ralls

I have alot to say about this piece, however since it is long and I will comment on it from my point of view tomorrow. I hope you enjoy it.

Love Is: Starring In Your Own Movie
By
Nick Ralls

I star in my own life movie... I choose the character I wish to play.. the actors who share the adventure.. and the location for this drama. But I am determined not to be caught up in the dramas of others because this merely drains my energy and makes my life unfulfilled.

DO you want to be the star of your own movie?
Or do you want a part in someone else's.
This is the burning question of our lives.... are we writing our own script...are we determining our own locations... are we writing in our fellow actors..
Or.... are we being dragged into the dramas of others...being swept away on the paths of others, never to feel we are fulfilling our destiny?
LOVE IS... running our life the way we wish it to be.
LOVE is not feeling guilty or manipulated to play the tune of others.
Yet, so often in this life of ours we sacrifice our own dreams, our own aspirations and our own love to merely fit in with and play second fiddle to those who want us to play the game their way.
Why choose to play a part in the life of an energy vampire, control freak or someone who sees us as a possesion?
First of all, we are the director and actor of our own life story.. there can be no other way to live a life that works.
So just what is the story line? Decide now. Where do you want your life to take you, what do you want to see happen and what sort of people do you want in your play.
What location do you choose?
And what sort of character do you want to play? Do you want to play the role of victim? Do you want to play the role of someone unfulfilled, frustrated or lonely or someone who fails at their relationships?
Or rather would you prefer to be the star... the hero or heroine... the person with love in their heart who makes a difference to their fellow man?
Your life is all about choice. Yes, choice!
You decide the movie you want to be in.
Of course, you can tear up your own screenplay just to play cameo roles in the screenplays of others...
But you can also decide not to tear up your own screenplay but instead to follow your dreams and create the movie that serves your soul's growth.
To sacrifice your own movie, is to feel the pain of separation because in someone else's drama you will feel disconnected, alone and not able to communicate properly
But when you take up your own script and run your own film, life changes. You can feel the warmth of love in your heart and know how this connects and unites you with the warmth of love in the hearts of others. And you stay in love.
We are not talking necessarily about romantic love here. This is the love of feeling connected, attached...and belonging.
If we shun this love because we distance ourselves from others... and, of course, the loving part of ourselves, we feel immense pain, the pain of spiritual violence
Because feeling separate or apart is the pain of spiritual violence.
The worst pain we can endure.
The physical pain we can undergo is not nearly so devastating as the emotional pain we endure when we feel apart... feel disconnected... feel unable to communicate through fear.
This day, make sure that we do not bring this pain on ourselves by not acknowledging our oneness and help others to move back to their sense of belonging... because being alone and feeling separate is agony.

So dear and special friend... are you starring in the movie of your life... is it a good and positive movie bringing plenty of loving opportunity... this is what I wish for you... and for me too!


Victoria Placeo









Thursday, March 19, 2009

Moving On After Rape - How Do You Heal When It Never Ends

I have blogged in the past about, being more positive and looking at the bright side of everything. I still stand by that thought, it is the right thing to do. However, if you are still having to remember everyday by external circumstances then how do you break that focus.

Each day there is a letter in the mail, news from a lawyer, a bill from a medical facility. Yes, I could look past that.

But then there is the responsibilities. Calling the medical facility that is going to send me to collections because the Crime Assistance had not paid them yet.

Meeting with the lawyer to find out that he cannot represent me, due to a conflict of interest. Then having to find another.

Piece after piece of mail stating your civil rights were not violated, you have no civil suit (which I am still in the air about being frivolous in that matter). After the 3rd appeal the "Care Facility" you worked for does not have to pay unemployment.

Trying to coordinate all of this, on top of flashbacks, insomnia, nightmares, etc.

I realize that looking forward is the key and focusing on what I do want is important, but the bumps in the road are getting bumpier and with that I have to remember daily.


Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Sites For Rape Anniversary Dates - My 10 Month Anniversary

Today is the 10 month anniversary of the rape. I'm tired today, feel numb, no sadness, no anger, no love, nothing.

Since I am feeling this way I thought I would offer some sites I found on dealing with Rape and Trauma. I put a little review by each one of them, but not much, don't have the energy today.

The first site is http://www.ibiblio.org I think this site is one of the most beneficial I have found. On this site they go over coping skills for rape such as:

Breathing
Boundaries
Safeplace
Grounding
Staying in the Present

The site http://www.raperecovery.com/ has a lot of good features. These features are:

Books
Preview Videos
Testimonials
Articles
And A Rape Recovery Toolbar which can be found here

Finally A Site Called Gift From Within that can be found here, This site is for Survivors of Trauma And Victimization it includes:

Tapes
DVDs
Articles
Tons of Support Links
Art Poetry and Music and much more....

One last site is Over The Rainbow which can be found here it has a whole section dedicated to rape anniversary dates.

My numbness and indifference on this 10 month Anniversary of Rape is probably effecting my writing. Although this is not a English Class, I like to be somewhat clear.

I am going for now and perhaps going to just take care of myself tonight.


Victoria Placeo



Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Letting Go After Rape

Another Piece by Nick Ralls entitled " Letting People Go." As the whole piece is wonderful I have bolded what as touched me the most, my comments are at the bottom.


Letting People Go
By
Nick Ralls

I will not hang onto people who will treat me badly.. I will release them with love and kindness without wanting to change them and manipulate them to behave in the way I want them to.

THERE are some people who will treat us badly.
Understanding why these people behave the way they do is the first step to letting go of the hurt we feel when we are not respected.
When we are able to look upon these people in our lives the way God would look upon them or the way their parents would look upon them, we can rid ourselves of the feeling that we are powerless in the situation.
In fact, we have immense power when we realise just how loving we have been even if that person or those people treat us shabbily.
Our frustration comes when we try to change people.
Our hurt comes when we expect too much from people.
Our powerless comes when we feel we cannot control that person.
But the truth is that this person is who they are!
We can influence them with our kindness
We can influence them with our love
However, at the end of the day that soul is choosing its own path of learning and if that path is going to be a weary one, it makes little sense joining them. Just doesn't.
Too many of us spend too much time being addicted to people who will treat us badly... this is our addiction!
Why do we choose to be addicted to those who behave badly, do not respect us, tell us lies, cheat us and even abuse us?
We have to learn that when we truly love ourselves we will let these people go.
With love, of course.
But we won't hang onto the need to try to change these people... manipulate them or plead with them to remain in our space.
Better that we find ourselves a more loving space.
Addicts are those who do not feel they are good enough and the addicts who behave the most badly are those who have a deep sense of self loathing. It is unlikely they know how to treat other people well.
But we can still separate their addictive and manipulative behaviour from the person they are and the potential they can be.
That's why when we love them the way God would love them or their parents would love them we are able to define them who they really are and not judge them by their misguided behaviour.
It is sometimes so easy to love nice and lovely people who treat us with love and respect.
It is harder to love those who are angry and fearful...but these are often the people who need the love although I never advocate staying in a relationship or in the space of someone who will negatively impact on our lives.
The people we hang on to are often those who will bring us down, lower our energy, increase our sense of disillusionment. Just release them and stop thinking about them so much...
Instead, concentrate on those in your life who are going to uplift you, make you feel good and respect you for the person you are.
Try not to hang on to people and situations that do not make you happy... cause you worry or problems... because you deserve better.
It does not mean you cannot be compassionate, helpful or considerate.. but never let people bring you down to their level.
Stay energetic and in love.
Accept people for who they are. Do not put them on a pedestal from which they will surely fall down. And don't stay around for them to treat you badly. This does not serve you or the world.

So dear and special friend...Decide how you want to be treated and treat others as you yourself would wish to be treated... don't hang around those who will disrespect you.



My Responses:

When we are able to look upon these people in our lives the way God would look upon them or the way their parents would look upon them, we can rid ourselves of the feeling that we are powerless in the situation.

The one thing that I can say I am proud of is that I have never hated the organism, of course I disliked what it has done, but not it itself.......Why........because I look at the organism as a sick person, someone who is not or was not thinking correctly, someone who is sick.

To be quite honest, although my flashbacks, dreams, PTSD symptoms are caused by the violent rape, I have a harder time letting go of the State that pressed charges and then left me, my job and coworkers, whom I trusted, that fired me on medical leave, my family and friends, for not being more emotionally supportive, and others.

It is harder to love those who are angry and fearful...but these are often the people who need the love although I never advocate staying in a relationship or in the space of someone who will negatively impact on our lives.

This is kind of a given, it just is not healthy. However, what is ironic is that I get upset that certain people are not in my life anymore, but they are the negative ones mostly........huh something to think about.

Try not to hang on to people and situations that do not make you happy... cause you worry or problems... because you deserve better.

This one is big, I know I would feel better if I let go of fighting for my civil rights with the work issue, if I would just let my family issue go and realize they are who they are, and let the fact go that no one, except a few has helped me or donated. People just don't care sometimes and that is just them.

So dear and special friend...Decide how you want to be treated and treat others as you yourself would wish to be treated... don't hang around those who will disrespect you.

I agree completely, however this would mean not hanging around some of my family members, and that saddens me. This also means hanging around some of the people I have met in this new community, and considering I don't know many, that is an issue. The latter is more easily resolved then the family.

There is much more to this entire piece for me and I suspect for many others. It has helped me and I will reflect on it. I hope it helps someone else out there.


Victoria Placeo


Monday, March 16, 2009

The New Biology -From Victim To Master Of your Health

This is a very interested video by Dr. Lipton entitled " The New Biology- From Victim to Master of your Health."

Although it speaks of illness, I believe it to be true in mental health, trauma, rape, and life in general.

Although, my blog posts go up and down from positive to negative, I deep down believe that if I could change my thoughts I could change my life. That is easier said then done after a rape.

Regardless here is the video and I think it holds true in many life experiences.







Victoria Placeo


Saturday, March 14, 2009

Family Interactions After Rape

I am going to see my family members later today. I had to debate on saying yes or no to their invite earlier and I obviously said yes.

The whole decision was a stressful on me and now that I have made the decision, I feel much anxiety. How could that be they are my family?

I love my family, they are great people, I know that. We have always had an okay relationship and I know that my parents did the very best they could raising us.

However, after the rape, I needed them. I think they tried in some way to be there, but (and this is my guess) because I ran to The Rock, someone I trusted, instead of them, it may have hurt them or gave them an easy way out no to be involved.

I already felt abandoned by some friends, the community, etc. I had already lost trust and safety due to the rape and the reality is I did not have it in me to go to them and say "Will you help me" , "Can you do the initiating" , " Will you love me." I needed my family and others to take on the caring aspect and could not keep reaching for it.

Now that being said back to the meeting tonight. I have been advised by some friends, therapists, and doctors to try and stay away from my family until I feel strong enough. However, I think life is precious and could be short, I feel this more especially after the rape. So I feel the need to see them, one never knows when the last time may be.

So I go tonight filled with anxiety, to see them. I hope they ask how I am, I hope they talk with me, I hope I feel loved.

I know we have to love ourselves and that it will attract love into our lives, but family is family and they are in my life. I love them and I hope tonight goes okay.

You know I will keep you posted........................



Victoria Placeo

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Rapist asks for death, fears rape in prison - A Victims Perspective

I saw this article a while back and have been thinking about posting and writing about it. The article is entitled “Rapist asks for death, fears rape in prison” it can be found at http://seattlepi.nwsource.com. The article is below as well as my thoughts:

Rapist asks for death, fears rape in prison

By LEVI PULKKINEN
P-I REPORTER

A Seattle man who'd admitted to raping two women at Myrtle Edwards Park was sentenced to 20 years in prison Friday.

Earlier this year, Angel Galvan-Hernandez pleaded guilty to two counts of first-degree rape in the separate August 2007 attacks at the waterfront park.

In both attacks, Galvan-Hernandez, 26, was accused of beating and choking his victims as he forced himself on them.

Speaking in King County Superior Court, Galvan-Hernandez pleaded with Judge Julie Spector to have him executed rather than send him to prison.

In a turn characterized by Spector, without humor, as "ironic," Galvan-Hernandez begged not to be sent to prison where he believes he will be raped.
"I prefer death a thousand times over being raped," said Galvan-Hernandez.

A tiny man less than 5 feet in height, Galvan-Hernandez told the court he'd been sexually assaulted numerous times as a street youth in Mexico.
"I want to pay for the act of cowardice," he added. "I admit it, but I just don't want to be raped."

According to police, Galvan-Hernandez first attacked a then-homeless woman in the park, beating her with chunks of concrete and biting her during the rape. He escaped only to attack another woman days later.

A passer-by broke up the second attack and held Galvan-Hernandez to the ground until police arrived. That passer-by, a former soldier in the Army who asked not to be named, sat in on Friday's hearing to see Galvan-Hernandez sentenced.

Addressing the court, the victim in the first attack told Spector that the injuries she sustained during the attack linger, and that it's changed her day-to-day interactions with friends.

Still, the woman spoke with sympathy for Galvan-Hernandez while asking that the maximum sentence be imposed."A life is precious because you only get one," she said, speaking to Galvan-Hernandez. "I hope and pray every day that you get the help you need."

While Galvan-Hernandez's attorneys requested the minimum 10-year sentence, Spector agreed with Senior Deputy Prosecutor Julie Kays' recommendation and sentenced Galvan-Hernandez to a 20-year term.

Under the conditions set, Galvan-Hernandez will complete his minimum sentence but remain incarcerated until a state board deems him ready for release.
Explaining her decision, Spector turned to a letter she'd received from his second victim.

In the note, the 41-year- old woman cautioned Spector and future authorities not to be put at ease by the "tiny, timid predator." Throughout the 45-minute attack, she wrote, Galvan-Hernandez was calm and determined but panicked each time he heard someone walk by.

"There was a certain level of consciousness, a certain level of thoughtfulness, that went into this crime," Spector said. "I believe you need to be locked up as long as possible to protect the women in our community."


This is a tough one for me to share my thoughts, due to the fact that although raped, everyones attacks are different. As always, I will share them anyway…….

First, my prayers go out to the two women involved in these attacks, if I could be there to hold them and comfort them I would.

I agree with both of the womens input. The first women has sympathy, as well did I for my organism, I to explained in my statement that I believe the organism needed help but still asked for the full sentence.

The second women cautioned that be weary of the man, although I do not want to believe that there was thoughtfulness in my attack, I have been told many times that there probably was.

Although, the passer by whom stopped one of the rapes will never read this, I want to thank him. If more people got involved like he did maybe there would be less violence. He showed a great care for others and is a hero to me.

As far as the rapist involved, I agree that it is ironic that he asks for death for fear of being raped. However, the man knows about being sexually assaulted, so it is not surprising.

I don’t feel the perpetrator should have much of a say in his sentence, but I do have pity and sympathy for him. Why………I would not wish rape on anyone, whether rapists, murderers, etc.

I personally do not see the good in anyone receiving harm in return for the harm they have inflicted. And although I have mood swings, deep down I believe that rapists are sick people, and are no more worthy of pain and suffering then anyone else.


Victoria Placeo



Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Missing Life Before Rape

There are many topics I want to address daily, however this is one I have been thinking about for quite some time. My life before the rape.

I try to look at the way my life is now. The things I have learned about the justice system, family, friends, victims, etc. I do this in times of depression often and also daily. Trying to look at the things I have learned as positives. Things I would not have realized before the rape.

However, I still miss my life before the rape, daily. I was independent then, I had good credit, a job I liked, an apartment of my own, a new community to live in. I had a family with flaws as most, but they were there. I had friends, that I thought at that time would be there for me as I for them.

I had an income, interests, and at that time a small group of people I knew that I had fun with. A group that I thought was okay, nice, people in general.

I had the organism, if you do not recall I dated the organism. After we broke up we were friends and went out a couple times as friends. During those times I never saw anything that would lead me to believe the organism would ever hurt me.

I miss the family I knew before the rape. I miss the sister that used to call almost weekly. I miss the invitations I used to get if they were getting together. Don't get me wrong, I have been invited to some, but others I never was aware of. I miss the idea that I had a family through thick and thin. As I type this my disclaimer is I LOVE MY FAMILY, they are just not the family I remember.

I miss the friends I used to have. I have two left besides The Rock, who talk with me and contact me.

I do miss the town. The town was not just some place I decided to move to. It was a place where I had very fond memories of childhood. It is a summer town and I went there at least 2 to 3 times each summer since I was born.

I miss my job. I liked it, I liked most of my coworkers, and I loved helping people.

HERE IS THE KICKER..........I miss the organism. HOW CAN SHE SAY THAT........AWWWW!

I missed the person I thought I knew. I miss the times we went out and had a good time. I miss the times we spent together. What I saw before the breakup in the organism, was a fun person, with some issues. As far as I was concerned, who didn't have issues.

Now many Psych people (like myself,lol) would say that missing the organism would be a danger sign. I don't agree fully. I miss an organism I thought I knew and the fun times.

The organism was in the beginning of the abuse cycle I believe, so of course I would see the good sides of it.

Straight out I don't want communication with the organism nor do I like it, it does not mean I cannot miss the memories of what I thought was accurate.

There is much more I miss, but I believe this is a bit long-winded so I will stop for now.


At times I REALLY want my life back.


Victoria Placeo

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Stuggles Of A Secondary Victim Of Rape

The Rock, secondary victim of rape, occasionally sends me posts, about what is going on in his head. It is hard and yet healthy for me to read these.

Friends and family of rape victims I assume have very similar problems with survivors of rape. So I publish what The Rock sends me with the hope it helps others. Here is the most recent post from The Rock:


Feeling unattractive and Expressing Love from the Secondary Survivor

I’ll start by saying that I have no psychological experience/training. Victoria has often said that she feels unattractive. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Victoria is a wonderful beautiful strong woman. These feelings of being unattractive do creep into her mind though. What can we, as secondary survivors, do to help with these feelings? It’s easy for us to tell our loved ones that they are beautiful; I do every day with Victoria. My concern is that constantly doing this makes it into less of what I think, which I certainly do, and more into just an automatic phrase when I come home. I’ve struggled a lot with how to approach this in such a manner to let her know how attractive that I think she is, but also not to express it in a way that makes her think that all she is to me is beautiful with nothing more going on for her. As secondary survivors, there is a fine line we walk with our loved ones. I love Victoria for who she is, but sometimes it seems to me that I can only express it is with a hug or kiss beyond the words themselves. It is a tough thing when our loved one does not want contact when we feel that the contact would help. I ask you all to be aware of this and handle it in a way that is best for your loved one.

-The Rock

From a survivor standpoint, I can see how The Rock is trying to reach out with physical hugs etc. to show his support and care. At times I welcome them at others, I get angry and state things like "is that all I am" or " what don't you get about me not wanting to be touched."

Although it hurts me to hear The Rock struggle with me but I understand. One main thing I want to mention about this message from The Rock.

I CAN SEE IT AS AN ISSUE FOR ANY FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER OF A RAPE VICTIM. BUT AS A VICTIM THE EMOTIONAL SIDE AUTOMATICALLY REACTED AND THOUGHT "I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE ROCK, I CANT EVEN FUNCTION AND FEEL LIKE A NORMAL WOMEN."

Now I realize that is a complete emotional reaction, but just as The Rock advised secondary victims of " being aware." I also advise to be aware that I believe survivors in there early healing times or longer react emotionally instantly.


Victoria Placeo

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Music for Healing Rape - Send Me An Angel- The Scorpions

Although another 80's rock hit "Send Me An Angel" By The Scorpions is a perfect song to heal. I don't think I need to explain this one. Below is the video,that has beautiful pictures , and the lyrics:





Send Me An Angel
By
The Scorpions


The wise man said just walk this way
To the dawn of the light
The wind will blow into your face
As the years pass you by
Hear this voice from deep inside
Its the call of your heart
Close your eyes and your will find
The passage out of the dark

Here I am
Will you send me an angel
Here I am
In the land of the morning star

The wise man said just find your place
In the eye of the storm
Seek the roses along the way
Just beware of the thorns

Here I am
Will you send me an angel
Here I am
In the land of the morning star

The wise man said just raise your hand
And reach out for the spell
Find the door to the promised land
Just believe in yourself
Hear this voice from deep inside
Its the call of your heart
Close your eyes and your will find
The way out of the dark

Here I am
Will you send me an angel
Here I am
In the land of the morning star
Here I am
Will you send me an angel
Here I am
In the land of the morning star



When I listen to it, it reminds me to listen to my heart and I will find my way to healing and happiness again. To find my calm place and enjoy the beauty along the way and to believe in myself.

Sometimes easier send then done, but another way to remind myself that there is relief and hope.


Victoria Placeo

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Love is the Healer By Nick Ralls

I came across another one of Nick Ralls pieces and thought how very fitting it was. I will explain how I felt it pertained to survivors after.




Love is the Healer
By
Nick Ralls

I realise that I am a healer... and the people in my life are healing me too with their thoughts, words and actions. We are here on this planet to heal one another. And when we give another something that makes them feel better that is our medicine to give. When we receive the same we get medicine from others.


OUR LIFE is all about healing.
You and I are healers
And the only way to heal is through love!!!
The best doctors and the best nurses are those who love their patients... even if they might not actively think they are loving their patients when they go about their caring
It is the love that heals.
When we go into a loving and caring environment the healing begins... that is why so many of us start to feel better when we sit in the doctor's offices even before we have seen the doctor. We know instinctively that the healing is beginning.
When the health practitioner gives us loving and healing attention we start to feel better...so we heal faster.
But if, on the other hand, the practitioner is miles away we feel unconnected and not trusting of our healing process. We always feel the best doctors and the best nurses are those who show us by their actions and their words just how much they care for us and want us to get better. The worst doctors are those who detach themselves from our situation and make us feel they could not care less.
But each of us is a healer. We heal one another in our daily life
When we give another something that makes them better or makes them feel better then we are giving them medicine.
We heal the people in our lives through:
* Giving time to them... hearing them and being there for them
* Encouraging them... making them feel good
* Serving them... carrying out acts of kindness
* Offering therapies...hugs, kisses, massages, back rubs and so on
* Lifting them when they are down.. reminding them just how special and important they are
* Being at their side when they need a friend
* Sending them loving thoughts, prayers and energy.
And so we can go on.
And we get healing from others in our life when we accept their gifts of support, love and nurturing.
Those who look after us, look out for us and keep us in their thoughts are healing us.
When we send those loving thoughts to communities and the world at large we are healing larger areas by the positive energy that we are able to transmit... after all we are all connected at the source.. we are all One at the source.
And then we need to be open to heal ourselves.
We do this by pouring goodness into our lives
We do this by pouring truth into our lives
We do this by allowing beauty into our lives.
In that way, we allow our soul to express in its magnificence.
So let us open ourselves up to loving people... giving those who display unloving actions a wide berth.
So let us nurture and pamper ourselves
So let us allow healing to come into our lives. How much have we got planned for the next week that will be healing our lives? How much are we doing to make our lives so much better and more pleasant in the days, weeks and months ahead?
We are all in need of healing. Our life is a healing journey
We heal ourselves of all the fearful experiences both in our minds and our bodies so we can set ourselves free and find our way back to love.. as a state of being all of the time.
Love heals and love is our final destination.

So dear and special friend.. I wish you all the healing you need... all the love that you need and always remember just how special and how important you are in the world.


I think this piece is just wonderful. Although not directly intended to be directed at a rape survivor, I felt that is certainly was.

The love that a survivor needs may be more then they would have usually needs. In this Nick writes of how others heal others. That is part of the reason I created RASA Survivors. Survivors together listening and understanding one another, offering them comfort that others may not know how to give.

As Nick Ralls goes on to explain how we can help heal others, it reminded me of what survivors should be doing with themselves daily maybe twice as hard. Allowing beauty into their lives, nurturing and pampering themselves. After a rape or any other violent crime that is desperately needed.

Although, I will still have my tough times, I will try and remember this piece of work by Nick Ralls. It maybe one of the best tools yet!


Victoria Placeo

Monday, March 2, 2009

I Feel Like Such A Burden

Throughout all of this I try to look at the bright side of things, and I know, out of all the bad, there is good.

However, I have never felt like such a burden, so unwanted, a pain to those I cross paths with.

The Rock, is helping me without complaint, and no words could ever describe how grateful I am and how much I love him. With that being said I feel like a complete burden on him, and I know to some extent I am.

My family used to call more, I don't call much but more then them. I feel very unwanted, a great pain to them. Since the rape things have been very different with my family. My sister used to call weekly just to talk, now rarely.

When I come back to my hometown I have to places to stay that are not family. One that I have been staying at, I can tell I am a burden. Not because of the rape, but my friend has her own family and things to tend to and I believe I am in the way.

Most of my friends have disappeared since the rape and I feel that the ones I have left. I am a burden to.

I don't talk about the rape or how I feel with my friends I have left, but they have there own lives so when I stay at there homes, I feel I am getting in the way.

I feel very alone. Where I live now I don't really fit in, nor do I try to very hard. I just don't seem to fit in.

Bottom line is that I have never in my 31 years felt so lonely, unwanted, not deserving of help, or just not life worthy to anyone. It seems I am dead to many. I feel so much pain.

Somewhere there is a reason I lived and if I look for it and ask for it, I know it will come. I am positive a majority of the time, but I break and the emotions flow.

All I really want is someone to say Victoria, I care about you, I want to help you, I am here.


Victoria Placeo