Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Rape Memories Worse Around The Holidays?

I have heard of depression getting worse around the holidays, with the excess pressures and such. However, I have not read much about rape or sexual assault memories getting worse around the holidays. I must admit I have not done alot of research on the matter, so it may be true that rape memories get worse around the holidays.

My rape did not occur around a holiday, just two days before my birthday. If you have read past posts you will see that my memories do get worse around the anniversary date of the rape but this year this holiday season seems to be tough.

I am not having memories about the rape exactly, more about the rapist. How I knew him before, how he looked, his features etc. I also have a tremendous amount of guilt, I feel as if I put someone in prison. I imagine what it must be like to spend the holidays in prison.

The guilt is not feeling bad for the rapist, more (selfishly) feeling bad for me because I put someone behind bars. I know he deserves it, but at times I feel it was not my place to make that decision.

My depression has gotten much worse, fifty percent of it I believe is just the holidays, but the other fifty has to do with the rape and the rapist. I am depressed because I feel the rapist took the life I was happy with.

I know this is a time to be thankful, thankful that I am alive, but the memories of the rapist plague my mind daily. As I have said before, in general I do not fear people, however I am getting more paranoid about the rapist.

I know that he is behind bars, but I walk out the door each day and look both ways to make sure he is not there. This habit has just recently started and has been going on for about a month and a half.

I just feel sad, and although many would say it is the season change or the holidays, I don't think that is entirely true. The memories that cause the sadness, are about the rapist and the life that I have lost.

The right thing to do is look at what I have gained. I practice that daily, and hopefully soon it will work.


Have a great Thanksgiving


Victoria Placeo

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Alcohol And Rape Recovery

For months after the rape, I was drinking alcohol like a fiend, I can't say it was a good idea and did make things much worse I believe. I have very bad dreams, flashbacks, and was hypersensitive.

After gaining 15 lbs, making it through the sentencing, and having a realization that drinking was getting me know where I cut down, I basically quit drinking. Things did improve.

From time to time, I have drank since that realization and each time I have either had some sort of flashback or nightmare. They are not as bad as they used to be but none the less they are still there.

The reason I write this now is as an advisory. Last weekend was Halloween, and although I did not go out on Halloween, I did the night before. I did drink and kept drinking until it was to late, I was drunk.

I had horrible nightmares that night, one flashback (which I don't have many when I am sober), and I slept the entire next day, I felt very depressed.

Although it has been a year and a half, the alcohol still effects my memories and and I believe my recovery. I can't tell if it affects me this way because I was drinking the night of the rape or if it just lowers my defenses.

I guess it really doesn't matter. The point is it does not benefit me in any way. I say I write this as an advisory for those who may be recovering from rape, or any other violent crime.

Not only is there an obvious danger of addiction to alcohol, but it does effect how you view things. Therefore, if you are trying to work through issues it will just set you back.

For me it did not set me back for long. After sleeping all day I felt better and the memories were less pronounced.

I realize it has been a year and a half and as many say you should get over it. It is apparent that I am not. If you are recovering from rape, leave the alcohol alone, not only will you feel much better, but you may have the chance to not set back any progress you have already made.


Victoria Placeo