Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Self-Image Before and After Rape

I have been having a very difficult time lately, due to the fact that I realize the way I used to be before the rape is nothing in comparison to what I am now. Before the rape there were so many differences in my personality, my actions, my self-esteem.

It is odd for me to think that such an event such as a rape, something I did not cause, could still effect me in such a way. I know I did nothing to cause the rape, and I know the rapist was a sick person. Despite knowing all this I feel so much different then before and most of the time not in a positive way.

Here is a short list of the different ways I look at myself now then the way I used to view myself:

- I was more confident
- I hardly ever compared myself to others
- I thought I was worthwhile, helping people
- I thought I was pretty, not arrogantly so , but I could hold my own
- I enjoyed going out and felt confident when I did
- I used to dance, I used to dance while out and in my home
- I didn’t care as much what people thought

Now:

- I don’t dance
- I think constantly about how I look
- I feel I contribute nothing to anyone
- I don’t enjoy people or going out as much
- I feel ugly
- I am not very happy


There is more, but I wanted a short list for a couple reasons. First, to not be such a downer. Secondly, and more importantly, to show others who may have been raped or sexually assaulted that they are not alone. If they experience these feelings, even if it is years after the event, they are not alone.

By the way I am going back to counseling next week, I think I need it:)


Victoria Placeo

Thursday, January 7, 2010

To Remind Me To Be Grateful - 99 Balloons

This is a definite must watch, I have posted my immediate thoughts that I had after I watched the video, it is only six minutes and well worth watching until the end:




I am sorry for projecting my anger

I am sorry for not being grateful for the little things

I am sorry for looking at the bad and not focusing on the good

And Most Of All I Am Sorry For Not Being Grateful and Happy That I Lived And Am Alive



Victoria Placeo


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

RASA Survivors - Rape Forum and Social Network Is Back

The social network created by The Rock and I was offline for awhile but it is back. I got a few emails requesting where it was, so I figured I would bring it back.

The Social Network is called RASA Survivors and can be found at http://www.rasasurvivors.com. RASA stands for Rape and Sexual Assault and all survivors are welcome. The site is monitored and an individual must be approved before they will have access to the site. There is also a strict set of guidelines for being a member.

Although these precautions have been taken, it is also possible for some creep to sneak their way into the site so if any members experience anything negative they are to contact me or admin.

The site is a social network as I said, but also contains options to blog, a forum, and gift giving as well. It is my hope that individuals who have survived such traumatic experiences such as rape or sexual assault, will be able to find friendship with others.

An additional note, the site may be changing in the upcoming year so be on the watch for new features or perhaps a new site altogether.

Once again RASA Survivors can be found at http://www.rasasurvivors.com

Victoria Placeo

Friday, January 1, 2010

2010 I Begin Again - A Year Of Hope

I must admit I have had things to say since my last post, but I have been going through a depression I believe. I had lost enjoyment in things and had a general feeling of numbness, and hopelessness. However, I have decided to look at this New Year as a new beginning.

I have looked through past posts and realized how down I have been, and patterns that I have repeated over and over. Patterns such as drinking alcohol, which just leads me to bad dreams, and flashbacks. Although, I have been healing this entire time, I believe it is time for me to take a firmer grasp on the healing process.

That is not to say that I will not express pain or any other negative event on this blog. The entire intention of this blog is to share with others pain, healing, hope, etc. that occur after a rape or sexual assault.

It would be false not to share the bad times as well as the good. I have noticed however, that I mention the bad times more then the good. This may be part of my problem, focusing more on the bad then on the good.

For this New Year
I intend put into practice what I have learned in counseling and from books much more forcefully then I have in the past.

I intend to seek counseling again not only for the rape but for the depression I have had.

I plan on focusing more on what I have then what I do not

I intend to focus on the present and not worry about the future ( such as the rapist's release)

Finally, and I believe most importantly, I am going to give thanks each day that I am alive, because in reality he could have killed me. It is very interesting how I could live through something so violent and forget to be grateful that I am alive.

These are my intentions for 2010 and beyond. There may be bumps in the road that I will express but there are also joys that I have had that I have not expressed in the past.

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes to remember in this New Year:

"it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln


Happy New Year


Victoria Placeo