Friday, May 18, 2012

The 4 Year Anniversary of The Rape


Well it has been long time since I have posted and the reason for that I touched on a bit in the last post entitled Illness And Rape. Much has gone on with that subject however that is not want I feel I want to write about today.

Today is the 4 year anniversary of the rape and it is my feeling that unless other things arise it may be my last post on rape anniversaries.  Of course I cannot say that with complete certainty but I say it now because it is also the rapists release year.  It may happen anytime this year and at this point unsure of when.   I have mixed feelings about the release which I will cover at some other time.

I have looked back on many of my posts since I first started this blog and say WOW, I said that, or I thought that?!?!  My mind after the rape was there (mostly) but I do not agree with some of my own posts. Amazing how we grow and how we change. 

I notice now how I use the word rapist instead of organism and my thought on some other terminology have changed as well although I still use the words.  For example anniversary of rape, yea that anniversary word do not like it.  But it seems that people use that word more, while usually I call it the “event” or “incident” now.

In regards to how I am feeling on the “anniversary” of the rape, well not too bad in regards to the actual event itself, I can remember ever bit of it step by step as it occurred, but as I have expressed many times throughout this blog, although the rape was horrible, the after effects seemed to take a bigger toll on me, at least consciously that is what I think.

What I have gone through over the years are feeling of guilt which I have seen as different from other survivors in the fact that I do not feel like I could have done something differently or it was my fault.  My guilt stems from putting a person in prison. While I am told many times that he (look I call him “he” instead of “it” now. I may be writing a post on that if I have not already) put himself there, I know that if I did not agree to go with state, he may not have been there.  I do not know if I have elaborated on that guilt in any post but if not I surely intend to.

Another important after effect of the rape for me is the feeling of abandonment.  I have mentioned this before, but it creeps up over and over still, an issue obviously I have not been working on much.  After the rape I felt abandoned by family and friends, not to mention the states pawn at getting this guy in the slammer.  Many say I am right on when it comes to our judicial system and some say my views are skewed, to each their own.

And oddly enough what I find surfacing now, that did not much back then or at least not as strong is a total lack of love and respect from others. Perhaps the love issue was there, but I have been feeling like no one has any respect for me.  They will not respect my time, my thoughts, my words, anything.  While I realize this is a way I take things and boundaries I need to set, I do also see a lot of people I should not have in my life, and that is not a bad thing.  Surrounding yourself with well, supportive people is key, raped or not.

A final issue that I would like to touch on with this rape anniversary is how rape plays a role in physical (not just mental) health.  While it could be a complete coincidence that I am having physical problems now (which I will cover later) I believe that stress, anger, unhappiness, and many other negative emotions have wreaked havoc on my body.

I would like to say to anyone who has been raped recently the years fly by and when you suffer you lose your time, not the rapists.  Time does pass, things do get better, and new things seem to surface, and although everyone handles their rape differently, it is important to watch, not hyper focus, but watch what seems to upset you since your rape, it may give you great insight into much more.

Victoria Placeo

PS if there are spelling or words errors…………which I am sure there are, sorry wrote this one fast